


We Aren't Perfect

by elm27



Series: She's Ours [2]
Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-09-14
Packaged: 2018-12-13 01:48:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 47,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11749575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elm27/pseuds/elm27
Summary: Christen and Tobin had the perfect life, perfect marriage and perfect family.  Everything changes with one disagreement.  Will they find their way back?





	1. Chapter 1

**_Chapter 1_ **

The family of four settled into the couch, the two adults on either end.  “Pick your poison Emme, and do it quickly because you’re down to only 30 minutes before bedtime,” Christen warned.  The little girl looked up hopefully at Tobin, who nodded in agreement with her wife. 

 

Poor Sam was already almost asleep against her side, breathing hot air into shirt, not that she minded.  She loved any moment she had cuddling with the little boy who was growing way too quickly.  Emme whined her way through the list of suggestions Christen read aloud, causing her to shut off the television.  “You know what, peanut?  I think you’re tired and we’re only wasting your screen time.  Why don’t we go upstairs and Mama will read you an extra chapter of your book.  You can have an extra half hour of screen time tomorrow night and we’ll watch a movie.  How’s that sound?” Christen ran her hand through the girl’s long, light brown locks that were still damp from her earlier bath.

 

Tobin was always amazed at how quickly and calmly Christen was able to negotiate with their daughter.  She herself would have never put that plan together, or at least in the moment.   She liked to describe her parenting style as more of ‘let the kids make their own choices and deal with the consequences later’. 

 

“I think that sounds like a great idea, Emerson.  I can’t wait to see what trouble Amelia gets into tonight!” Tobin attempted to back Christen’s suggestion, crossing her fingers that it would work. They’d been hooked on the classic Amelia Bedelia books for a month now and watching her sleepily laugh at the antics buried under the covers made her heart burst ten times over.  If she had to pinpoint a moment in her days as a mom as her favorite, this would be seriously considered for the top spot.

 

“Sure Mama, I’ll go get jammies on!”  She wiggled off the couch and was out of sight before Tobin reached across the back of the couch to squeeze Christen’s shoulder.  ‘Thanks’ she mouthed quietly and genuinely.  Christen smiled back at her, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes.  “Why don’t you go up after her and I’ll get him tucked in.”  

 

“Deal.”  Tobin scooted their son towards Christen after running a hand through his hair.  She could hear the two talking in hushed tones as she made her way upstairs, finding Emme’s room where the little girl was struggling to pull on a long nightgown with freshly brushed teeth.  “Mama, I changed my mind.  I think I only want one chapter tonight.”  Tobin knew it was because she was tired but would never admit it outloud.  Playing along, she agreed, “I think that’s a good idea.  That way the book lasts longer!”  

 

Emme’s eyes lit up and she hopped up into her bed, snugging into her pillow. Tobin draped the sheets over her.  “Now, where were we?”

 

…

 

Tobin closed Emerson’s bedroom door not even fifteen minutes later, turning around to see Christen holding Sam right in front of her. His big brown eyes were wide open, signaling bedtime was not in the cards just yet.  She grabbed at her chest in surprise, “oh my gosh, you scared me!”  Christen laughed silently as she explained, “someone claims they aren’t sleepy yet and they need something in their belly first.”

 

“A quick snack, then bed?” Tobin looked into the chocolatey eyes looking up at her.  Sam nodded and she took him gently from Christen’s arms.  “Come on buddy.”  They walked downstairs carefully before Tobin put him in his seat at the table while Christen went to the cabinets to put together a little snack for him.  They moved past each other effortlessly, from memory.

 

As soon as Sam was ready to eat Tobin looked around and knew it was time.  “So, I’ll see you back here on Monday morning?  7:00?” Christen confirmed with her while she walked to grab her jacket and keys from the mudroom right off of the kitchen. When she emerged, she gave a quick nod, letting her know that was the plan like usual.  This was the worst part of her day by far, but she constantly told herself it was the way it was and it was for the best.  She gave one last kiss to the top of her son’s head as he happily munched on some late night goldfish while watching some kind of cartoon on the iPad.  

 

She could feel Christen’s eyes track her as she left the kitchen and made her way to the front door, but she never said anything to make her stop or turn around.  When she shut the front door behind her, she took the same walk she made on Fridays; to her car along the street instead of where it was no longer welcome in the garage.

 

……..

 

“Yo dude,” Tobin greeted Kelley as she walked into her apartment.  “You goin’ out?”  Kelley shook her head, gesturing to her outfit.  “Does it look like I’m ready for a night out on the town?”  

 

Tobin chuckled and grabbed a beer from their refrigerator.  “Wanna sit outside for a little bit and maybe light a fire?”  

 

“Sure,” her friend agreed.  “Munchkins asleep and happy?”   She took a long swig of the drink, thinking over their week and genuinely answering, “yeah, they are.”  Kelley led them outside where the sun was almost beyond the horizon, some brilliant orange color still peeking through the sky.  

 

They sat at Kelley’s patio table, propping their feet up on the railing overlooking the partial ocean view.  “Week 11.”  Tobin looked at her friend in confusion, not understanding what she was referring to or talking about.  “What is week 11?”  

 

Kelley rolled her eyes and pursed her lips.  “The amount of time you’ve been staying with me on the weekends.  This is the 11th Friday you’ve been at my house instead of your own.  When is this going to end?”   

 

Tobin didn’t want to talk about this, not now at least.  They’d had a really good week together and Christen seemed pretty happy.  She was happy enough to spend time with the kids and her wife in any way she was allowed, still respecting the boundaries they’d created a few months ago.  “Kel, come on.  It’s Friday, let’s just relax and talk about something else.”

 

There was no way she was going to let this go, not now at least.  “Tobin, this is your family we’re talking about. This is Christen!  You won’t even tell me what happened but I’m sure whatever it is can be fixed.  I mean you live there part-time so it’s not like she can’t stand you or anything.  You couldn’t have cheated.  Did she or something?”  

 

“No, absolutely not,” she vehemently responded.  “Never.  Neither of us would ever do that.”  

 

Kelley sighed.  “Then I don’t get it.  You play house Monday through Friday, then separate on the weekends.  Isn’t it weird when you’re together?”   TObin had to admit it was definitely unconventional, but it was what they tentatively agreed on to keep some normalcy for the kids.  “I mean we do everything we normally did to make sure the kids are taken care of and then I sleep in the guest studio in the basement and she sleeps in our bedroom.  Sometimes we stay up together and watch tv or whatever, but it’s all PG.”

 

“Nothing happens?  Like you never slip up and kiss her?”

 

Tobin took another long drink of her beer, thinking of how she could tell Kelley everything she was really feeling without sounding pathetic.  “Christen needs some space and I’m doing my best to give it to her.  We get along and we love each other, everyone seems happy with the arrangement.”

 

Her friend eyed her suspiciously.  “Everyone?”  She knew Tobin wasn’t, couldn’t be happy being away from her wife and kids on the weekend.  

 

“Listen, I love Christen.  Always will.  She asked me for something and I said no.  Then she asked for space and that was something I could give her.  So I’m doing that.  I owe her that much, you know?”  She played with the label on her beer out of nervousness, peeling the sides off.

 

After a few moments, Kelley whispered, “what did you say no to?”

 

Tobin avoided the gaze of her friend as she replayed that night in her head.  “Not tonight, Kel.  Not tonight.”

  
  


_ Flashback _

 

_ Tobin came through the garage with Sam on her hip, struggling to carry grocery bags in the other hand.  Emerson was talking a mile a minute behind her about something that had happened in school that day but her focus wasn’t on the words coming out of her mouth.  Christen’s car wasn’t there yet, meaning she was still at her office, past the time she was expected home.  It was nearing dinner and there was nothing for the kids to eat since her wife had offered to pick something up on her way home so she wouldn’t have to make anything tonight. _

 

_ This would mean a meltdown in approximately ten minutes from their youngest if she didn’t get anything started.   She put Sam down so he could run around and shoved the groceries hastily in the cabinets, her cell phone ringing Christen’s number wedged between her ear and shoulder.  “Damn it Chris, where are you?” she said to herself after the second attempt and no answer. _

 

_ Surveying the pantry, she saw they had some boxed macaroni and cheese for emergencies.  That would have to do and she’d add some broccoli and mushrooms to make it a little healthier for Christen’s approval, thankful both kids liked their veggies. She did it all so quickly, even looking over and signing Emerson’s ‘homework’ while stirring the  pot on the stove and handing off plates and silverware to Sam to ‘set the table’.  It was 6:03 when the three sat down with their full plates in front of them when Christen walked in the door, carrying two large bags from the Italian restaurant down the street.  “Hi my babies!  I brought home your favorites!”   _

 

_ She clearly hadn’t seen that they were about to dig into the makeshift dinner Tobin had put together and Emme scrambled out of her chair to greet Christen. “Mommy! I love sketti and balls!”  Christen bent down and kissed the little face that was almost the same as her wife, only a beauty mark on the tip of her nose being the difference.  Tobin liked to tell Emme that she had it because Christen kissed her nose so many times while she was pregnant that it created that little spot on her.  Everyone knew she looked just like Tobin so it was a way for her to feel like she had a part of her other mother, too. _

 

_ “What do we have here?”  the dark haired woman looked at the table, Tobin’s annoyance clearly not radiating enough to tip her off.  “I told you I was going to bring home dinner, babe.” _

 

_ “I called you twice.  I wasn’t sure if you’d be home in time.”  She kept her voice as calm and steady as she could since she was feeling worked up over the challenging day she’d had with the kids.  Unphased, Christen picked up the plates, “Oh well it’s just mac and cheese.  We can always reheat it for lunch tomorrow or something.  Here, there’s some of those breadsticks you like in there.”  She was handed one of the large bags while Christen put the plates on the counter, not bothering to wrap them up. _

 

_ Continuing to talk, Christen went to their liquor cabinet and opened a fresh bottle of red wine.  “I had an h-e-l-l of a day.  You’d think for a nonprofit there’d be more compassionate people working there but I swear some of those people are only looking out for themselves.”  Tobin watched her fill a glass to the brim, gulping it down not a moment later in successive sips.  “Can you get me a piece of that chicken and cut it up on top of some pasta?”  she asked in between drinks. _

 

_ Tobin looked around at the scene unfolding.  Suddenly, she felt used and unimportant as for the second time she prepared dinner for her two kids and wife and was yet to be asked if there was anything that could be done to help her.  Emme’s face was already covered in sauce since she was able to open the plastic container, Sam was pumping his fists open and closed in excitement.  It only made her go quiet, unable to say much. _

 

_ Eventually, Christen sat down across from Tobin and began to eat along with them.  “Emme, how was school today?”  Their daughter chattered away about the positive parts of the day, totally omitting the parts about her forgetting her lunch on the bus which made Tobin have to run down to the school with ten minutes notice, or her tracking mud onto the carpet from her little cleats she wore in the yard playing.  She’d spent almost an hour scrubbing the spot and shampooing the areas around it so no one would notice.  That was all before the dynamic duo faked cried in the checkout line of the grocery store so they’d get a bag of M&Ms to share since Christen always bought them some on the rare occasions when she took them there. _

 

_ They made it through the dinner without her saying so much as a peep when the little ones were excused to play in the family room before it was bathtime.   _

 

_ Christen reached out to take Tobin’s hand.  “Babe, do you mind giving baths tonight?  I’ll do tuck-in, I just need a moment for another glass of wine.  Which will benefit you a little later,” she winked.  Tobin was exhausted to say the least and would have appreciated the help but did her best to put on a brave face.  “Yeah, okay.” _

 

_ “You know what else I was thinking about on my way home?  We just had Sam’s birthday and you know how we spaced those two out perfectly, a little under three years?  I realized we’re  just about at that mark for Sam so it’s time again.  You should really call the clinic and see if you can get an appointment.”   _

 

_ “Are you kidding me?” Tobin questioned sternly, unable to believe that Christen would give that heavy suggestion at a time like this. The way she had mentioned it was so nonchalant, like it was adding something to grocery list for next time.  Tobin knew they had talked about having one or two more when they started their family, but looking at the picture now, she wasn’t sure it was a viable plan.  _

 

_ “You must be out of your mind.”  _

 

_ Her anger grew as she was fuming at the audacity to ask, no tell, her to do it like it was just a simple chore like picking up a some milk or get her hair cut.  The knee-jerk response caught her wife off-guard, the smile dropping from her face quickly.  “Excuse me?” _

 

_ Tobin gestured her arm around the kitchen for Christen to follow, that same anger building up and spilling over the edge.  “Look around Chris.  I already have two children and a house that needs a lot attention and care. I’m doing my best and there are days where I’m ready to lose it.” _

 

_ Christen’s mouth dropped a little bit, never expecting this reaction from her.  “Okay, well, we can get help then if it’s too much for you.  I’ll look around for someone.” The way she said it was like it was no big deal and should have been the obvious solution to any concern. _

 

_ She scoffed, “You don’t get it.  I am the help, Chris.  I do the laundry, I go to the store.  I pack lunches and pick up from school.  I do the majority of the cooking and cleaning around here. And then you come in on the weekends and evenings like Mary freakin’ Poppins and make everything look so easy and fun.  I cannot handle a third kid.  My answer is absolutely not.  If you want one, you do it yourself.”  Tobin slammed her hands on the table, pushing her chair backwards with a large screech. _

 

_ She’d never said anything remotely that cold to Christen before.  It was extremely rare and out of character that she would allow herself to get that worked up over something or treat her in that way. It had already left her mouth before she could realize what she was saying.  Without a doubt, it was going to cause some damage. _

 

_ Christen quietly held her gaze before softly replying,  “I would if I could, Tobin.” _

 

_ Tobin put her head down in her hands, trying to calm herself down.  “I’m sorry.   I didn’t mean it like that, Chris,  I’m sorry.”  But her wife beat her to standing up from the table, taking both of their plates and depositing them loudly in the sink.  “Oh whoops, better do the dishes so my wife can add a tally mark to my column of things that I do around the house since apparently I’m just the fun one.”  _

 

_ The passive aggressive remark removed any remorse Tobin had and only further ignited a fire deep inside of her that she had tried putting out.  “Oh knock it off.  This isn’t about dishes.  This is more about you telling, not asking, me that it’s time for a third kid. I can’t do it like this, it won’t work.” _

 

_ Christen leaned against the sink, her arms crossed over her chest.  “So what, I have no say in this at all?  I want a third child and just because I can’t have one myself I don’t get a vote?” _

 

_ She turned around to look her dead in the gray eyes that were looking right back at her.  “Honestly?  No, you don’t.  If I have to have the baby and you won’t cut back at work to help more around here, the final answer is no. There’s no room for discussion right now.” _

 

_ Christen processed the response and nodded her head to herself.  “Well I guess that’s it then.  Whatever you say,” she said as she pretended to bow down at Tobin, walking towards bottle of wine to get more for her glass.  Before she reached it, Tobin stood up.  “You know what, no.  You do bathtime tonight.  I’ve done everything else today and all week so it’s your turn.”   _

 

_ She left Christen stunned the middle of the kitchen, grabbing her car keys from where she had to thrown them earlier on the countertops.  She angrily walked past her wife and to her car, not once second guessing herself. _

…...

  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

While everyone else looked forward to adventure filled Saturdays and lazy Sundays without a care, Tobin dreaded them.  She hated feeling like she was just passing the time until Monday mornings when she was back at her,  _ their _ , house doing what she was meant to do.  She missed see the bright eyes of her kids first thing in the morning and Christen’s smile right before she drifted off to sleep.

 

Her coffee didn’t taste the same, the noises that filled her space weren’t the same and waking up to an empty left side of the bed certainly wasn’t the same.  

 

“Yo, dude,” Kelley interrupted her pity-party out on the balcony.  “What are you up to today?”

 

She shrugged, not really having put any thought into what she should do with her time.  Christen would be taking the kids to a birthday party for one of  Emerson’s school friends later in the afternoon, but it was an unspoken understanding that she wouldn’t be attending with the trio.  “I don’t know, what are your plans?  Wanna hit the beach for a little bit?”  

 

Kelley’s eyes darted towards her own mug of coffee anxiously.  “Uh, I actually was going to meet up with some friends for lunch downtown, but you’re welcome to join if you want to.”

 

“Kel,” Tobin teased, “You don’t have like, babysit me.  It’s fine! Go have lunch with your friends.  I’ll find something to do, I mean look at where we live,” she gestured out to the beautiful Saturday morning hustle and bustle of Manhattan Beach.  She didn’t want to be a bigger burden than she already was.  Kelley wouldn’t take her money and even seem offended the day she pulled out the real estate section of the newspapers to look for her own apartment.

 

“Well, there was actually something else I was gonna run by you about doing today.”  Kelley still hadn’t looked up from her almost empty mug.  Tobin couldn’t put her finger on why the girl seemed so anxious and was beating around the bush.  “Okay?  What’s up?”

 

“I um, I haven’t seen Emerson or Sam in a few weeks and uh, Christen in like forever.  I was wondering if I could maybe drop by and see them quick on my way to lunch.  But honestly, if it’s too weird, I won’t.  Just say the word and I’ll totally be cool with it.” She looked up at the last few words with a hint of panic spreading through her eyes.

 

Tobin did her best to stifle a laugh.  “You don’t have to ask permission to see my kids, Kel.  I’m sure they’d love to see you. Chris, too.”

 

Kelley turned her body in her chair and started rambling, “yeah but like it’ll be weird, won’t it?  I mean we’re used to all hanging out together and I don’t even know how Christen feels about me since you’re staying here and everything.  Wait, she does know you’re staying here, right?”

 

Now she couldn’t help but let the laugh out she’d been trying to contain. “Yes, she knows this is where I come on the weekends.  She’s your friend, too Kelley.  I’m sure she feels the same way you do, so why not just bite the bullet and call her.  The kids have a birthday party this afternoon so as long as you stop in before noon, I bet it won’t be a problem.”

 

Tobin was well aware that their separation had caused shock and awe in the group of friends and family.  As far as anyone had been concerned, they were perfect.  The perfect couple, the perfect family.  No one was intentionally taking sides but it seemed that Kelley became her territory during this time.

“Ok, I’ll text her.  But seriously dude, if it’s all a little much for me, just say the word and I’ll make an excuse and bail.”

 

“No,” Tobin insisted.  “No, don’t bail.  Go check in on them, and I want a full report,” she joked.  

 

Well, mostly joked.

 

….

 

“So how were they?”  she tried to casually work into the conversation on Sunday afternoon while sitting out on their surfboards on the steely blue Pacific waters.  All morning it had been killing her that Kelley hadn’t said a peep about her visit to the house, and she knew she had gone based on her quick phone call to say goodnight to Emerson the night before. Now seemed as good as any time to ask, since it wasn’t like Kelley could escape the conversation easily.

 

“Oh, it was good.  It was great to see them.”  Kelley reported nonchalantly.  She was staring straight ahead at the beach, unwilling to make any eye contact.

 

“Good?  What’d you guys do?”  she kept persisting, hoping to get any ounce of feeling like she was there in person herself. 

 

Kelley took a moment before answering.  Tobin couldn’t tell whether she really didn’t want to talk about it or there was nothing more to tell.  “Christen made lunch and we ate outside while the kids played on the swingset.  Just for an hour or so.”  

 

“Oh, did Emme show you how she can do the monkey bars all by herself now?  I swear that kid has more upper body strength than me,” Tobin gushed.  She’d watch her mini-me try time after time to get it over the past month, mostly failing with one or two bars to go.  Last week though, she finally did it and has told everyone she sees, stranger or not, about her accomplishment.

 

“Uh yeah,” Kelley said absentmindedly.  “I think I saw her do it.  I don’t know, I probably didn’t pay as much attention to them as I should have,” she added.  Tobin was confused to say the least; hadn’t Kelley gone over there to hang with them?  Why wouldn’t she be paying attention?

 

Without her having to ask, Kelley answered the unspoken question, finally turning to meet her eyes.  “I spent most of my time talking with Christen.”

 

Ah.  

 

Tobin started to wonder if really that was main reason Kelley wanted to make the impromptu visit, to get some answers out of her wife that she had been holding close to the vest.  “I see,” she said somewhat condescendingly.  “And?”  Part of her was hoping she would only hear good news, or no news at all.

 

Kelley sighed deeply and her previously stiff body seemed to relax. “I asked her all the same questions I ask you and got nothing.  It’s actually starting to really piss me off,” she said with frustration in her  voice. “At least she did tell me that you were the one who walked out.”

 

Tobin’s eyes narrowed in and her mouth twisted up in disgust.  “I did not walk out on her.  She asked me for space, so I had no choice but to go somewhere else.”  Her mind was going a million miles a minute at though of Christen blaming her for their separation.  Christen was the one who started this whole thing and she was simply giving her exactly what she asked for; well one of the things she asked for.  Tobin would have never, ever outright blamed Christen.  She thought the were both somewhat guilty in this and as of right now, she didn’t have the guts to rectify it.  

 

“Relax dude, she didn’t say it exactly like that.  She said, ‘Tobin thought it was best to stay with you’.” 

 

“Well,” Tobin pushed, “did she say it like she was mad?  Or more like it wasn’t a big deal?”  Feeling like she did right now was exactly why this conversation was avoided with anyone, including Kelley, for so long.  The two sides of the story, Tobin said/Christen said drama was too much.  

 

Kelley lifted her shoulders.  “I don’t know.  I mean she didn’t seem mad at all, but it’s not like she was indifferent.  I don’t know,” she said shaking her head, “I mean she looked good, seemed good.  But I just can’t believe on the inside that she’s handling this that well.”  

 

Tobin dropped her head back to look at the wide open sky.  Whisps of clouds played in the beautiful blue backdrop with the sun shining on her face.  She wanted to believe Kelley, that Christen was just as miserable as her, but that didn’t do her any good.  She didn’t want Christen to be miserable even if it meant sacrificing her own happiness.  And she also didn’t want to believe that Christen really was okay with what they were doing, either.  Neither line of thought was easier on her heart.

 

“I don’t know,” she spoke quietly a few minutes later, the only sound now was the gentle lull of the waves splashing against their boards.  “I feel like I don’t know her anymore.”

 

_ Flashback _

 

_ She lightly twirled the almost-empty beer bottle sitting in front of her, the argument replaying over and over in her head.  Tobin was mortified at the way she threw Christen’s infertility in her face, still not quite believing she even had that mean of a bone in her body to do so. _ _ She’d found refuge after she walked out at beachside bar that happened to be playing a replay of one of the Champions League games she rarely had the chance to watch anymore.  Her cell phone was shut off the moment she pulled out of the driveway and for once she attempted to turn her brain off too, simply trying to enjoy the game she loved so much and a few drinks to go with it.   _

 

_ It worked for a little bit, the thought of Christen and the kids out of her current conscious. The bartender even humored her a little, trying to pry out all the gritty details of her pro days.  It felt good to identify as something other than Emme and Sam’s mom and Christen’s wife for once, a role she felt was her only identity these days. _

 

_ “What was your favorite place you played?  Any stadiums you looked forward to playing in?”  the tall, dark hair and fair skinned guy asked as he wiped down a few glasses. She didn’t even hesitate to list her favorites, each holding a special place in both her heart and head.  Her long locks bobbed up and down in enthusiasm as she spouted off, “Wembley - number one, hands down.  Just absolutely incredible.  Uh, obviously I played at Providence Park in Portland for years so that one’s pretty cool, and I like StubHub.  It feels like home, too.”  The man she judged to be only a few years younger than her listened intently before pausing to ask his next question.  “So what are you up to now besides drinking alone on a Friday night at this hole in the wall?”  A smirk played at the corner of his lips, like he knew there had to be something behind her story. _

 

_ Telling a stranger her business wasn’t something she wanted to do, but she also acknowledged it might help to voice her frustration to a non-biased party.  “Long week of kids and responsibility.  I just needed a moment away.  Kinda got into it with my wife and didn’t want to make it worse.” _

 

_ “Oh yeah?” he encouraged, letting her take control of the conversation. _

 

_ “Yeah.  We just have some different opinions on the future of our family and …” she couldn’t find the words to finish her thought. She was met with a look of confusion.  “Don’t you think running away from that kind of fight makes it worse?”  He said it so plainly, as though it was common sense.  Tobin tipped the remaining drops of her beer to her lips, giving herself a moment or two to think it over.  “Yeah, maybe,” she conceded before refocusing on the tv screen straight ahead.  _

 

_ After the game was over, she realized the bartender’s suggestion had weighed on her heavily and she needed to get home to fix the problem as soon as possible.  But it would be irresponsible to drive even slightly buzzed so she took a walk along the beach where the scene from the evening once again slowly replayed in her mind.  She knew she was wrong to say what she did to Christen and would do anything to take it back, but was firm on her insistence on a third child right now wasn’t an option for them.   _

 

_ By the time she reached their house an hour later, she had every intent on telling Christen just this.  Tobin opened the front door as quietly as she could, hoping that her late midnight entry wouldn’t disturb anyone.  It was pitch black, no movement heard throughout the house.  Part of her hoped Christen was still awake and waiting up for her in their bedroom but the other part secretly felt she may not have the energy to fight it out anymore that night if it came to that. _

 

_ She tiptoed up the steps, smiling to herself as she picked up one of Emme’s Barbie dolls and went past the kids’ rooms, only pausing to make sure there wasn’t anything stirring inside them before twisting the knob to her own room.  Her eyes adjusted and she could make out Christen’s shape facing her on her usual side of the bed, eyes closed and her lips slightly parted with little breaths coming in and out.  Despite their argument, she loved that woman and appreciated her, even when she was fast asleep.  She slowly walked over to bend down in front of Christen and ghosted her lips on her forehead.  Every ounce of love and want she had for her filled her body when she felt her cool skin underneath her lips. _

 

_ “I’m so sorry, baby,” she whispered, barely loud enough for her to hear herself.  Her eyes were closed tightly, wishing and willing any hurt she’d caused to disappear. _

 

_ Tobin studied her underneath the shine of the moonlight, stroking the curve of her jaw with a feather-light touch.  She didn’t to wake Christen, so instead of crawling onto her own side of the bed, she stood up and treaded across the carpet to walk back out of the room and opted for the basement studio, where they had a bed and small bath for out of town guests.  It was comfortable at least and one night down there would surely help both of them calm down.   _

 

_ Morning came quicker than she was ready for after a sleepless night and staring up at the ceiling on her back, Tobin’s days flashed through her mind.  They were filled with laughter and love of little ones and she truly did enjoy it, but not every day was perfect.  Just like any other parent she detested having to fold mounds of laundry or waking up at the crack of dawn to make breakfast.  But she loved watching them grow and learn, playing on the ground with them and mostly their quiet time right before bed or naptime.  She was in love with her family just the way it was and that included seeing her wife live out her own dreams of working for a nonprofit she’d invested so much energy into.  She was proud of her success and not once had she resented the fact that Christen left the house each day while she stayed home. _

 

_ Until yesterday. _

 

_ She laid in bed and rubbed the too-short night’s sleep from her face before stretching out to join her family she could hear shuffling around upstairs.  Something in her had bubbled over that she didn’t even know existed deep within her the day before and she was conflicted,  unsure of how today would go. _

 

_ At the top of the stairs she saw a picture perfect scene unfolding, her two gorgeous children having their breakfast with her just as beautiful wife entertaining them as she maneuvered around the counter. “Morning Emme, morning Sam.”  The two kids grinned at her with chocolatey teeth from their pancakes and syrup dripping from their chins.  Christen looked at her cautiously before she settled into her chair and pulled their son onto her lap.  “Morning, Chris,” she offered quietly, hoping to see what kind of reaction she got. _

 

_ Christen gave a quick tight lipped smile before returning to her own breakfast, leaving Tobin to fend for herself.  “Mama you slept in late! The little hand is at the eight!”  Emerson called out as she moved around the kitchen making herself a cup of coffee that would hopefully wake her up and eliminate the headache forming right in the middle of her head.   _

 

_ “Mama was out late last night,” Christen quietly answered for her.  “Let’s let her have her coffee then maybe you can ask her to help you get ready for Grams and Gramps’ house.”  Tobin’s eyebrows drew together in puzzlement as she poured a steaming cup of caffeine goodness.  She didn’t remember them having plans to go to her in-law’s for the day, so she just chalked it up to the previous day’s distractions and went with it. Finishing her coffee in record time she moved to take over for her wife  who without so much of a glance in her direction started up to their bedroom to presumably prepare for their visit. _

 

_ Both kids were dressed with swimsuits underneath their outfits and a small backpack on their backs twenty minutes later when she found Christen freshly showered and dressed in the kitchen.  She took a minute to appreciate how naturally beautiful her wife was like this; her hair still dripping wet and in tight curls and her fresh face tanned and clear.  “Give me like ten minutes and I’ll get ready too,” she said, starting to turn around to get a shower of her own. She had barely made it to the first step before Christen called out, “No.”  _

 

_ Tobin spun back around, clearly confused at what exactly was going on. She looked down at her rumpled clothes and knew her eyes were bloodshot from tossing and turning all night.  “Christen, I can’t go to your parents house like this.  At least let me brush my teeth and and change my clothes.”  Her wife looked away and her hands started to fidget against each other.  “You’re not going.  I’m taking the kids and we’re going to spend the night there.” _

 

_ She was shocked to say the least, at both the tone and message.  It took her a few seconds to come back down to Earth before attempting to reason with Christen.  “Come on, Chris.  We had a fight.  Let’s not be over dramatic or anything,” she pleaded quietly, careful not to let her voice carry to where their children played. _

 

_ Christen’s head shot up and their eyes dueled.  “I’m being over dramatic?   Didn’t you leave the house last night without telling me where you were going and came home some time in the middle of the night?  I think spending the day and night apart is exactly what is needed right now.”   _

 

_She was starting to feel it all over again, just like she did last night.  This time she tried to choose her next words more carefully.  “One, it was no later than midnight and I waited til then because I was responsible and not putting my life,_ our life _together by drinking and driving.  Two, you never seem to pick up your phone when I’m wondering when you’re coming home in the evenings and three, I’ve realized now that running away from this argument is not the answer.”_

 

_ Christen was considering her points but shook her head intently.  “No this is different, Tobin.  This isn’t just an argument. “ _

 

_ “What does that even mean?” She asked exasperated, placing her hands on her hips. _

 

_ Her wife sighed heavily and called for the kids to come meet her by the door.  “It means this is  not something that a simple sorry can fix.  I need some time.”  With that, little arms and feet were surrounding them and their conversation came to a halt. _


	3. Chapter 3

 

Christen re-read the same line from an e-mail for the third time before she finally gave up.  It was becoming more frequent lately that she couldn’t concentrate on the work that had to be done.  Instead, she was thinking about what she could be doing instead; playing with her babies in the fall sunshine or making an attempt to clean up the mess she’d made with Tobin. She shut her laptop only to be greeted with a silhouette above it.

 

“Calling it a day already, Chris?”

 

The new director of digital media stood in front her, not a hair out of place and a freshly made face smiling at her.  She’d only been here a week or so and felt comfortable in Christen’s presence, kind of latching on and following in her footsteps.

 

“I wish,” Christen sighed with a brief laugh as she took the glasses that had been perched on her nose off.  She laid them gently on her desk before looking back up.  “What’s up?  Anything I can help you with Lana?”  Leaning back in the chair to wait for an answer, she had the chance to study Lana from head to toe.  The woman was impeccably groomed with thin, light brunette locks.  They kind of reminded her of Tobin’s, except that her wife’s would never be parted that straight or brushed that neatly.  She had to admit she was attractive, maybe even her type if the circumstances allowed for it.  

 

“I was just passing through on my way to the coffeemaker and wanted to see if you wanted to join me for a cup.  You look a little dazed there and could use it, Mama,” Lana pointed her chin towards the oversized picture frames she kept on her desk of the kids, insinuating they might be the reason for her lack of motivation. 

 

Christen looked fondly at the picture currently in the frame.  It was from Sam’s second birthday where he was blowing out of the candles with such a determined look, Emerson standing over top of him, cheering him on with her hands in the air.  Tobin had taken the picture and when she got shots like this, it made Christen realize all those years of her playing around with a camera had paid off.  

 

She pushed herself out of her chair.  “Coffee sounds great.”  The pair strode in silence for a few moments before Lana followed up.  “So I’m guessing it was a rough morning with the munchkins?”  Christen could feel her looking at her out of the corner of her eye.

 

The thing was, it wasn’t a rough morning.  Her mornings and evenings were typically smooth and for all those other parents who claimed having children was so much work made her scratch her head. She knew Tobin was the reason for this; the woman she’d married had completely changed her tune once Emerson was born.  She could stick to a schedule and was pretty good at it, making the transitions pretty effortless.  

 

But this wasn’t office talk and she didn’t want to unload any of it on Lana.  In fact, none of her coworkers really knew what was going on between her and Tobin.  Only Jill, the receptionist who she’d known for many years had the slightest idea that they were separated.  “I guess it was,” Christen lied instead.

 

Lana poured the black liquid into a mug for Christen before she added a hint of sugar and cream.  She stirred and stirred, falling into a trance of deja vu when she’d done the same thing when Kelley came over last weekend.  Christen had pretended to look occupied so Kelley would stop asking so many questions and fishing for details about the split.

 

She was happy that she seemed clueless about what was going on; that Tobin hadn’t opened up about it either.  The argument had been her fault and she willing to guarantee Kelley would never come back over to see her if she knew it.  There was one thing, however, that kept playing in Christen’s head from their conversation.  

 

_ Flashback _

 

_ “Well I don’t know Chris, all I’m saying is you two are both hot MILFs and if you don’t get it together soon, someone will snatch one of ya up,” Kelley insisted from across the table.  Christen figured she was just trying to get a rise out of her, and it was working.  Her mouth went dry despite the small sips of coffee she was inhaling.  Tobin with someone else.  The thought sickened her deep in the core and the mental images going through her head were so upsetting. _

 

_ “Stop it Kelley,” she warned. _

 

_ As she smirked to herself clearly pleased that she had riled Christen up, Kelley added, “Tobin would go crazy if you were with someone else.” _

 

They sipped in silence again before Lana removed the mug from her hands to get her attention.  “Christen?”

 

Her head snapped up, meeting Lana’s dark eyes almost too close for comfort.  “Sorry, what’d you say?”  she apologized.

 

Lana flashed an understanding smile.  “I said, I think you need to stop worrying.  The kids are in good hands, aren’t they?”  _  The best _ , she thought while nodding.

 

“Good.  I also said it might be a good thing if you get out for once, have a little ‘me’ time.  I know you said you had plans last weekend, but do you think we try to schedule something for this Friday?  I’d love to get a drink somewhere around here with you.” 

 

It had been longer than she could remember since someone had asked her out.  Her green eyes darted down to Lana’s fingers, trying to locate any type of wedding ring or sign of commitment.  She was asking her out on a date, wasn’t she?

 

“Oh, I…” her words were falling all over the place as she looked for an excuse.  Lana could immediately sense she was about to be rejected and swooped back in.  “Listen, just one drink.  It’ll be quick.  Just ask your nanny to stay a little later than usual and you’ll be home around bedtime, I swear.”  

 

Her  _ nanny _ .

 

She was anything but the nanny.  Tobin was her life partner, her best friend, the mother to her children and so much more. These were the words she’d wanted to blurt out to the woman she came home to almost everyday.  It made her heart ache to keep distance between them and put on a poker face while they interacted.  But Tobin was distant herself and rarely spoke to her about anything but the kids. Suddenly Kelley’s words cycled through her brain in a new light.   _ “Tobin would go crazy if you were with someone else.”   _

 

Maybe this was a way to get her attention, to make her speak up and fight for her.  It might be manipulative and maybe a little cruel, but at this point, they needed something to break them from the monotaneous cycle they were.

 

She stood up a little taller, a little more confident now.  She shook her head up and down before answering, “okay.  Friday night for drinks it is.”

 

**_..._ **

 

“Finally, they’re down,” Christen sighed in relief before filling up her glass of water at the refrigerator, her head leaning against it in exhaustion.  Tobin hummed in acknowledgement, thankful for some quiet time (and alone) with Christen before they would separate for the night.  The past week or so had been busy for Christen at work, so she only got a few minutes before she’d go upstairs to decompress and get ready for bed after kissing the kids goodnight.  They were only a handful of minutes but Tobin cherished them, her heart beating just a bit faster when the garage door opened and she heard shoes slip off one by one in the mudroom.

 

“I think we still have some of those brownies you made over the weekend hidden up in cabinets.  Want to share one and go over the schedule for the next two weeks?” she asked, her voice lingering with hope that they’d do something ‘together’.  It had been their routine for years past to sit down and have a nightcap and talk, both pre and post kids, a tradition she’d been sorely missing lately.

 

Christen didn’t hesitate to whip open the cabinets over her head and reach around blindly for them.  “Got ‘em.  But no sharing, you have to get your own.”  Tobin reached out her hand across the island that separated them and gave a wink when she felt the chocolate settle into her palm.  Christen raised her own brownie, “cheers.”  They savored them in slightly awkward silence for a few moments before she turned back around to keep cleaning.  The quicker she did it, the quicker they’d get to maybe a glass of wine and a topic of conversation about something other than dentist appointments and playdates.

 

“Hey, um, is there any chance that maybe you can stay a little later Friday night and put the kids to bed?”  Christen asked in a lower-than-normal pitch, switching from a playful tone to a little more business-like.  Tobin continued to wash the remains of her chicken stir fry dinner off the plates before putting them in the dishwasher.  “Yeah, absolutely.  It’s not like we have much a life besides them anyway,” she smiled to herself and feeling happy to get more time as a family. 

 

Christen didn’t laugh like she did or say anything in return, causing her to pause the chore and turn around.  “Everything okay?”  She noticed Christen’s eyebrows were furrowed as she looked down at her feet, a sure sign that everything was definitely not okay.  “Yeah, I kinda meant can you do it alone?  I have something that might keep me past dinner and tuck-in.”  

 

Tobin was studying her with concern, but knew that if that if she wanted to get anything out of her wife, she’d have to use humor or trickery.  Christen was always well-spoken and intelligent, yet when it came to talking about herself she needed a nudge to speak up.  

 

“What, ya got a hot date or something?”  she teased, thinking it would make her less nervous to tell her.  Gray eyes shot up from the floor to meet her own smiling ones. 

 

“Yes.”

 

Tobin knew she hadn’t misheard Christen, but still wasn’t sure she could believe it.  She processed the single word through her head and was in so much shock that she didn’t even realize she dropped the dinner plate that was previously in her hands to the floor, shattering it into a hundred pieces.  “Oh,” she tried to casually acknowledge, failing to hide the falter in her voice.  After realizing she needed to say more, she added  “well, good for you I guess.”

 

Christen carefully walked over to the sink and managed to avoid the shards of ceramic that threatened to bloody her feet. She bent down to pick them up with her hands while saying, “Tobin, it’s nothing serious.  Just a drink with someone who’s been asking.  I gave it a lot of thought and I think it’s best just to go one time.  Maybe it’ll….” 

 

She was barely listening.  All that was cycling through her head was that her wife was taking the first real step to moving on; to giving up on their marriage for good.  The ache inside her chest was real, her senses in overdrive. “Tobin?”  She snapped her head to the left, trying to figure out what it was that was being asked of her.  “Hmm?”  

 

“I said, if you’d rather not watch the kids I understand but I promise I’ll be home by eight, eight thirty and not a minute later.”  Tobin tried her best to muster the strength and courage to not beg Christen to reconsider her plans.  She turned back around to go through the motions of scrubbing something and avoiding any type of eye contact.  “No, I’ll stay.  No problem.”   

 

The pair went back to cleaning up the post-dinner mess, awkward silence and tension filling in the air.  Every time Christen moved closer to sweep around her feet or past her to deposit something into the trashcan, her body immediately tensed up and did her best to move far out of the way.  She was the first to break the silence after managing to get the dishwasher loaded and running, Christen still tentatively wiping all the messy surfaces.  “I’m gonna head to bed.”  

 

Christen didn’t even have a chance to respond before she bolted down the steps to her makeshift bedroom.   She gasped when she reached the bottom, curling over to hold her knees and catch her breath that she had been holding.  The past fifteen minutes had been torture, having put on an act of being unbothered that the love of her life had a date.

 

The pain of giving birth was undoubtedly the worst Tobin had ever experienced.  She’d had countless injuries on the pitch that made her feel like she was bruised and broken.  But nothing, nothing could compare to this type of emotional pain.  It was creeping up her body, ripping through her stomach and tearing her heart to shreds.  There was no way she’d make it through this whole thing; she couldn’t imagine losing Christen for good.

 

….

 

The next two days were noticeably different.

 

Their interactions were shorter, mostly one sided favoring Christen doing all the talking.  Tobin could barely look at her without wanting to break down and cry, even though she felt like Christen was truly making an effort to talk to her.  In a way it did nothing more than confuse her; the attention felt like rubbing salt in fresh wound. She did her best to keep her head down and focus on the kids, only acknowledging Christen when it was absolutely necessary.

 

In bed she laid awake for hours since she made sure to go there early, right after the kids were asleep and before Christen had any chance to get to her.  She figured it Christen really needed something, she’d leave her a note or text when she was out of the house.  Despite their three months apart, communication about the kids had never lacked.  By the time Friday morning rolled around, she found herself at the table with Sam on her lap while they ate breakfast and leafed through a book they had read at bedtime the past few nights. Christen was rushing around with Emme on her heels and she could hear the clickety-clack of the heels she wore when she had a big meeting and the squeaks of her daughter’s favorite gold flip-flops, but neither familiar sound brought her joy today.

 

In only a few hours, she imagined Christen would be sitting in a bar somewhere with another woman who she’d said yes to.  The lighting would be dim and Christen would order a glass of champagne or if she was in a really good mood, something a bit stronger.  If she had a second drink, she’d get closer while she talked, unable to hide the green flecks that would shine through her eyes.  Heaven forbid she’d have anything more than that, because that’s when she tended to get handsy.  Tobin knew the way she moved and the way she felt, being on the receiving end of Christen’s touch so many times.

 

It hurt her to think that someone else would get to enjoy the company of her wife, only if it was until eight p.m. or so.  Although, that had her thinking that at least they wouldn’t have the chance to do any … -  _ No _ .  Tobin wouldn’t allow her thoughts to go there.  Not now at least, since that would only make it so much worse.  

 

“Well, I think we have everything.  I’ll see you later tonight?” Christen said softly, waiting for her to look up.  She was standing at the kitchen island with Emme in tow, but Tobin couldn’t do it, she couldn’t see just how beautiful she surely looked.  “Yeah, we’ll be here.”  Tobin stabbed her fruit with a fork, wanting to look occupied and unbothered by Christen’s departure.  If anything, she hoped that Christen thought she forgot all about it.

 

It took more than a few moments for the feeling of Christen’s intense gaze to subside and Tobin eventually heard the door to the garage open and the car start.  She let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding and finally spoke to the boy she was clutching against her chest tightly.  “Ok buddy, just you and me for the rest of the day.  What’s it gonna be?”  

 

…

 

Sam was so tired from the combination of chasing after his Mama up and down the slide at the playground and the afternoon sun.  Tobin was wiped out herself, but knew if she closed her eyes she’d somehow forget to get Emme at the bus stop.  Instead she took the time to wallow in her own thoughts once again, shamelessly flipping through a photo album Christen had made shortly after Sam was born.  

 

They looked so happy.  So unbreakable.

 

If you’d take a picture of the four of them now, the smiles would be the same and the love would still be there, but behind it would paint such a different story.  Her fingers traced over one of her favorite pictures of Christen, her sitting on the beach with saltwater in her hair and a newborn in her arms.  She was laughing and squinting into the sun where Emerson was showing off in the waves.  Tobin remembered the exact moment she took this picture, thinking just how incredible her new family of four was.

 

_ Maybe I could do it again, look at how happy she is with a baby in her arms,  _ Tobin thought.  It wasn’t the first time in a few weeks she felt like she had probably overreacted and the thought of a third child didn’t scare her as much as it had, especially if it meant having Christen back.  Her eyes brimmed with tears, threatening to spill over and slide off the pages.  

 

“Mama?”  A little voice broke her trance and deep thoughts.  Looking up, she saw Sam holding tight to the bannister, waiting for permission to come out of his room.  “Hey buddy, awake so soon?  Wanna come cuddle on the couch with me?”   The two year old nodded sleepily and carefully walked down the stairs holding onto the railing for support and into the family room, quietly reaching out for Tobin to lift him beside her.  “Lay down sweet boy,”  she encouraged as she ran her fingers through his wavy hair that looked a lot like her own.  One thing she’d never get over is how much both of her kids looked like her.

 

“We go Emme?”  Sam asked before sticking a thumb in his mouth for comfort.  She smiled at him, appreciating how much he loved his big sister.  “Soon.  When the big hand on the clock reaches the 6, we’ll go get her.”   She wasn’t sure Sam could identify the number despite how much practice she tried to work in throughout the day.  He didn’t ask any follow-up questions and they simply enjoyed the quiet time, leaning on each other for support.

 

“Mama!”  a second voice cut through the quiet household a little later just when she thought Sam had fallen into a mini-nap, this time it was a small girl’s.  Tobin twisted her body in surprise.  “Emerson, what are you doing home already?  Did you walk down the street by yourself?”  she couldn’t hide the angst in her own voice as she realized the girl was alone.

 

The little girl threw her bag on the ground and didn’t take off her shoes before hopping up to join the pair on the couch.  “We got out of school a few minutes early ‘cause the hair conditioner broke and it was so hot!”  Tobin giggled at the girl’s mistake, fully understanding what she meant.  “Air conditioner, Emme.  But next time wait for me at the bus stop or see if one of the other moms are around.  It makes Mama scared to think -”  

 

“Knock, knock!”  Right on cue, one of their neighbors stuck her head in the front door.  Tobin lifted her eyebrows in surprise at the second visitor.  “Sorry to bother you, I just wanted you to know I walked Emme home but she was excited and ran inside ahead of me.”

 

Tobin shifted four little legs off of her to stand.  “Thanks, Anna.  I really appreciate it.  I should probably get there a little earlier just in case, huh?”  She scratched the back of her neck lightly in slight embarrassment.  Although she did feel she was a good parent and no one seemed to be complaining of the job she was doing, Tobin never quite felt like she was the perfect mother; there was always room for improvement.

 

Anna invited herself a few steps in, holding the hand of her daughter who was a year older than Emme.  “No, you’re busy! I know you have Sam and other things going on.  I tell Christen she gets there too early.  She’s such a worrier but I’m more like you, it’s best to just go with the flow,” she smiled.  Tobin thought for a second she noted a flirting undertone but brushed it off.  The woman was a single mother but if she had to guess, there was more likely to be a man in the picture.  “Well, thanks again.  I should probably feed these two before they eat each other or something,” Tobin theatrically emphasized.  She heard a pair of giggles behind her back, making her feel pretty good about her humorous attempt.

 

Anna brushed her long strawberry blonde hair over her shoulder and smiled again and quietly excusing herself from their entryway, giving one last glance over her shoulder at Tobin.  She bit her bottom lip and let her eyes rake over Tobin’s body.  It kind of made her feel uncomfortable for a reason she couldn’t explain, but it wasn’t the time for that.  “Okay kiddos, I heard mommy say we could have your favorite for dinner, so….liver and onions it is!”  

 

Emme shrieked out with a fit of giggles, making her brother do the same.  “No?” she smiled with her hands on her hips.  “It’s not that?  I guess it’s...lima bean soup!”  More giggles and squeals were music to her ears.  Emme hopped off and ran straight into Tobin’s legs, wrapping her arms around her thighs.  “Mama, it’s pizza! Tell her we want pizza, Sam!”

 

“Ah, pizza.  Yes that rings a bell,” she tapped her cheek playfully before bending down to meet her mini-me’s eyes.  “Let’s go order it, cutie.”  

  
  
  
  


_ Flashback _

 

_ She sat lifelessly on the couch, with a tennis match on the television to fill the too-quiet house.  It was never this silent on a Sunday afternoon and the night before had been even worse.  Rarely did she go to bed without Christen beside her and two consecutive nights was just unheard of.  Even if she wasn’t there, the sound and feeling of having her children in the house would have somewhat made up for it. _

 

_ Christen hadn’t texted or called her since she drove off with Emerson and Sam yesterday morning.  The kids seemed unphased so at least she didn’t have to worry about that - she still trusted that Christen wouldn’t do or say anything to them was irrational in nature.   But twenty four hours later and she was starting to panic; wondering if they were ever going to come back.  She tried to self-soothe, convincing herself they’d be back soon and if they weren’t she would go looking for them; she knew exactly where they were. _

 

_ THe sound of the garage door opening snapped her thoughts and she quickly shut off the television to go greet them at the door.  Emerson ran in, yelling “MAMA! I missed you so much!”  The force of her body hit Tobin’s legs hard, but neither party seemed to mind.   _

 

_ “I missed you too, Emme! DId you have so much fun with Grams and Gramps?”   The little brunette nodded enthusiastically, “oh yeah, we went swimming and found lotsa seashells and played the dogs,” she rattled off.  She continued on, telling stories of her visit but Tobin was fixated on an exhausted looking Christen walking through the door with Sam on her hip.  Their eyes met briefly, both filled with apprehension and wariness of each other. _

 

_ “No, I’ll do it,” Christen snatched away the little lunchbox again and hastily moved around the kitchen, slamming cabinets.  Each time it Tobin flinch and she didn’t like the feeling that came with it.  “Chris, the kids will be able to hear you.  Just sit down and talk to me for a few minutes, please?”  She wanted to get this resolved as quickly as possible and without scarring the memories of their children. _

 

_ Christen took her advice about quieting down but she kept up with packing Emerson’s lunch.  “Then talk.  Go ahead.”   _

 

_ Tobin took a deep breath and sat down so she’d be able to keep the conversation on track.  “I’m really sorry I said what I did about you having a baby yesterday.  It was completely insensitive and I let my emotions get the best of me.”   She watched Christen slice a pear with her back to her, trying to read her body language from behind. “And I’m sorry for leaving and not telling you where I was going.  I don’t even think I knew where I was,” she continued, kind of laughing at the realization.  “I’m sorry if you were worried.” _

 

_ Christen slowly turned around and put down the knife in her hand.  Her eyes were a darker gray now, which meant she was deep in thought and they couldn’t be good thoughts.  “I wasn’t worried,” she simply stated. _

 

_ Tobin tilted her head to the side, asking for clarification.  “I wasn’t worried.  I was relieved that you weren’t here.  I don’t think I could have handled being around you last night.”  It was a quick but sharp pain that stabbed at her heart.  The feeling of Christen detesting her presence was downright hurtful.  Words were lost somewhere in her throat and she could feel her eyes getting watery.   _

 

_ “It’s clear to me you aren’t happy with the arrangement we’ve created.  It’s also pretty clear you’ve made a pretty big decision without so much as talking to me and you’ve made me feel pretty worthless in this marriage and family.”  They continued to keep eye contact, but neither could get through enough to the other. _

 

_ Tobin wanted to make sure that she knew that wasn’t at all what she thought. “Chris, I -” _

 

_ Holding her hand up, her wife stopped her.  “No.  You must have been thinking and feeling this way for a while.  So now I need to do some thinking, too.  I need space, Tobin.  I need to think about what this all means for me and this family.”   _

 

_ She tried to find the perfect words to convince Christen this was a bad idea.  That taking time away from each other would only cause a bigger rift.  But then she looked at her carefully and noticed the way her face looked a little more calm, a little more serene after getting that out.  She looked like she had just had something lifted off her shoulders and that’s when she knew this was something Christen really did need. _

 

_ “Okay,” she reluctantly agreed.  “I can give you that.”   _

 

_ Christen turned back around and kept cutting the fruit.  Tobin’s dangling feet kicked against each other, creating the only noise in the room.  “I can stay downstairs in the studio during the week and if you need more, I’m sure I can stay at Kelley’s,” she whispered. _

 

_ Nothing came for a few moments until she saw the darker haired woman’s head slowly go up and down.  “I think it’ll be best if you’re here during the week for Emme and Sam.  Then maybe I can spend some time with them on the weekend if you don’t mind.”  She hadn’t really counted on Christen needing space for the week, but she was going to give her full control.  “Yeah, that’s a good plan.  I’ll call Kelley a little later after the kids go down for the night.”   _

 

_ “What are you going to tell her?” Christen asked softly, a bit of worry coming out.  Tobin tried her best to stay steady for her wife.  “I don’t have to tell her anything.  Just that you’re with Sam and Emerson.”   It didn’t seem to convince her, but Christen went with it anyway. _

 

_ “Okay.” _

 


	4. Chapter 4

**** She was sick.

 

Her temperature was a perfect 98.6, she hadn’t eaten any raw meat and her sinuses were clear.  But she was sick to her stomach.

 

All week she tried to read the signs radiating off of Tobin as to what she thought about the bombshell she had dropped; of her having a date.  Sure, her initial reaction of dropping the plate spoke volumes at first, but she never said anything or asked her not go.  In fact, as each day passed she took her lack of eye contact and  avoidance as indifference. And the thing was, Christen gave her every opportunity to say something. She made sure to get home as early as she could, rushed through the bedtime routine with the kids and even set her alarm twenty minutes earlier in case she could catch her for a cup of quiet coffee.

 

But nothing.  To her, it seemed Tobin didn’t care enough about saving their marriage to say speak up and fight for her; fight for their family.

 

And that,  _ that _ was what was making her sick.

 

Christen had zero desire to follow through with her less than well thought out plan of having drinks Lana.  If she weren’t out of the office nearly all day at meetings she once found fascinating and intriguing, she would have definitely broke it off the moment she saw the woman.  But here she was, sitting uncomfortably at a high top table at the designated spot, waiting to get the whole thing over with.

 

Lana walked in the door only five minutes late, her hair in loose curls around her shoulders and a light tan coat opened just enough to expose tight maroon wrap dress that hugged her curves perfectly.  Christen had to admit to herself that she looked really good, but she just didn’t do anything for her.  

 

“So sorry I’m a little late, I got hung up on a conference call,” Lana apologized as she approached the table.  Christen gave a her a tight lipped half smile, waving her off.  Instead of taking the seat across Christen right away, Lana put her hand over Christen’s lightly and leaned in, placing the smallest of kisses on her cheek.  The sign of affection made Christen’s stomach flip, the lump in her throat growing in size by the second.

 

She took a swig of her drink, a chilled glass of champagne, as Lana slid out of her coat while simultaneously ordering a martini.  The bubbles burned as they went down and her heart rate picked up.  This was wrong; she didn’t want to be here and she certainly didn’t want to lead Lana on to think she had even a sliver of a chance.

 

“This place is nice,” the woman across from her commented.  “I’m happy to be having a drink somewhere other than my own kitchen or living room.”  Christen’s graying eyes looked around and quietly agreed.  She’d been here a handful of times with different people; her friends, her mom...Tobin once for a date night that led to them heavily making out in the alley just behind the bar.  Christen smiled to herself replaying the memory of Tobin pressing her up against the uneven brick of the building with her hand tucked against the back of her head for protection.  They were all hands and lips and tongues that quickly escalated into the backseat of Christen’s car like they were teenagers.

 

Thankful for the quick service, Lana’s martini was suddenly in front of her.  She continued to sip her own glass, wanting to empty it as quick as possible and head for the exit.  The cocktail waitress stepped back and let Lana take over,  shaking the metal shaker, preparing to pour it into the glass in front of her.  “So Christen, tell me.  Tell me all about you, I’ve been wanting to get to know you a little better.”  Her voice was dripping with sensuality.

 

Now she knew for certain she wanted out.  She needed to say something to end this immediately and get herself, her life, back on track.

 

“I have a wife.”

 

Christen held her breath as she saw Lana’s smile only falter for a split a second, her eyebrows raising just a little higher.  All in all, she was taking the information in stride.  Christen hadn’t really prepared to blurt that out the way she did, but once it was out there it felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. 

 

“Oh yeah?” she asked as she placed the shaker back on the table.

 

Christen recognized a hint of bitterness, so she just pushed on to get it over with.  “Yeah, I’ve been married for little under eight years.” 

 

_ Eight years, _  she thought.  During that time they’d been through the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, leaning on each other.  Each day, she swore she fell a little more in love with her and the life they’d created together.  The past three months had challenged her as a person more than she’d ever imagined, and the pair of them as a couple.  Throughout it all thought, she knew she was still in love with Tobin and wanted no one but her.

 

After a few moments of silence where Lana was taking a slow drink of her martini, she commented, “and where is this wife you speak of? I haven’t seen any pictures or mention of her previously?”  It was clear she was not pleased about being left in the dark about this, maybe even challenging her about the status of their marriage.

 

Christen drew in a deep breath before laying it all out.  Lana was practically a stranger but she wasn’t going to let anyone downplay Tobin’s role in her life.  “She’s currently at home with our two children, probably tucking them in as we speak,” she laughed to herself.  “She likes to read to our oldest, Emerson, each night and does the best voices.  I know I should be offended when she asks if Tobin can read to her instead on the nights I do it, but I can’t even be mad, I’d want her to read to me, too.  She’s just the best mom and even though I knew she would be, I can’t believe how  _ good _ she is, you know?  Like she does it all and not just for the kids.  She makes sure I have everything I need and supports my career.  And I fucked it all up,” Christen’s voice stumbled a bit, catching somewhere in her throat.  “I was so selfish and never even asked her opinion about having another kid.  I just assumed that she’d do it because she’s Tobin; she does whatever I ask not because she’s like a doormat or anything, but because she’s so  _ good _ .  She’s kind and she’s loving and does whatever she can to make me happy. She sleeps in that stupid basement bed which I know is not comfortable at all and she runs back and forth every weekend when I ask her to and now I’m fucking it all up by being here in this bar with you.”

 

By the end of what some would call a declaration of love, she could feel hot tears streaming down her face and her body about to explode.  Lana looked to be somewhat shocked now, her previous facade all but melted away.  “Wow, Christen.  I think we’re going to need another drink for this one,” her perfectly manicured fingers gestured to the bartender for another round at their table.

 

An ugly snort came from Christen’s nose as she wiped it in the napkin from the table.  “I’m sorry Lana, really.

I didn’t mean to lay this on you and I’ve probably insulted you,” she apologized while dabbing at the running mascara from her eyelids.  “I’ve been holding this all in and I just couldn’t anymore.”

 

Lana gave her a moment to collect herself, even handing over her napkin for support.  When Christen felt like she could breathe again, the waitress placed a second round of drinks in front of them.  “Can I ask a question?”  Lana softly asked.

 

“Sure,” Christen felt defeated enough already. 

 

“Have you told her all of this?”

 

She slumped slightly in her chair.  No, of course she hadn’t.  Because she was too stubborn and started off genuinely angry and hurt by their fight, determined to get her way. But then with each day that passed she realized how much her wife meant to her and considered her point of view.  Having a third child was something she’d always planned on but if that meant losing Tobin, it wasn’t worth it.  And by the time she’d put that altogether, there was too much space between them.  She was hardened and hurt, hopeful and willing all at the same time.  It was too much for her to process, so she avoided thinking about it or acting on it at all.  

 

“No,” she admitted.  “I want to though, I just don’t know how.  We haven’t really talked since the fight and I’m scared we won’t be on the same page.”  She played with the stem of the glass in front of her, not wanting to drink anymore since she had to drive.

 

Lana hummed in understanding before offering her two cents.  “I think you need to go home to your wife, Christen.  It’s obvious how you feel about her and I can’t imagine her being anything less than crazy about you,” she smiled almost sadly.

 

Christen sighed, knowing how right she probably was.  “Lana, again I’m so sorry I used you as a pawn in this.  I really hope we can be friends and if not, at least friendly co-workers.” 

 

Lana raised her glass as a peace offering.  “No worries Christen, I should have known there had to be someone else.  There’s no way a woman as beautiful as you would still be available.”  Christen blushed at the compliment, but clinked her glass anyway.  “Thanks, Lana.  Cheers.”

 

“Okay, okay,” the brunette laughed.  “That’s my last flirty line, I swear.  Now go ahead, go home to your wife.”

 

…..

 

The front door opened almost silently, causing Tobin to freeze in her spot on the couch to listen carefully. She looked up at the big clock above the mantle and saw it was 7:47 pm, not quite 8:00 pm.  When she realized it had to be Christen coming in that way so the garage door wouldn’t wake the kids, she stiffened and prepared herself for what was about to unfold.

 

“Hey,” she heard as a whisper.

 

Glancing up, she saw Christen looked just as beautiful as she imagined that morning, in a sleeveless black dress with her hair naturally wavy just the way she liked it. Her long, dark legs were showcased by the heels she had yet to take off and her eyes seemed to be thin, almost sleepy.  

 

“Hey,” she managed to say back quietly before rising to her feet and turning off the TV, doing anything to avoid making eye contact.  She walked to the kitchen and put her almost empty wine glass in the sink, hearing Christen follow her in there, putting her shoes on the kitchen island and taking a seat at one of the stools.  “How were they?” her wife asked almost as an afterthought.

 

“We had a good night.  Pizza and some play time outside, then baths and they just went to bed about ten minutes ago.”  Tobin knew her voice was somewhat short and harsh, but she couldn’t help it as she scrubbed the glass clean.  She was breaking at the fact that her beautiful wife had strolled back into their house like nothing was amiss, like she hadn’t just crushed her soul.   Christen picked up the wine bottle beside her and took a swig without a glass.  “That’s good.  I missed them tonight.”

  
  


She turned around and leaned with her back to the counter and agreed, “they missed you too. I told Emerson you’d come up and kiss her when you got back so at least tell her you did tomorrow morning when she wakes up.”  Tobin suddenly felt like a babysitter who was giving the parents a rundown of the evening when they got home instead of the mother that she was.

 

Christen hummed and took another swig from the half-empty bottle.  “Wanna have a glass of wine with me?”

 

Tobin tried her best to keep her composure instead of laughing at Christen; at the audacity of the situation.  “No, I should be on my way.”  She saw the confusion on the woman’s face after she spoke.  “You’re not staying tonight?”  

 

She’d really never considered it, mostly because she never stayed on a Friday.  They’d agreed Monday-Thursday nights, separate homes Friday-Sunday. By 7:30 sharp, she was usually on her way.  Even more, she was miffed that Christen would think she would want to stay after she’d been out on a date.

 

“No you said you’d be home pretty early so I didn’t think I’d need to.”  She collected her stuff from the mudroom and double checked her pockets for her keys.  When she came back out, Christen was staring ahead, looking at the darkening sky out of the window above the kitchen sink.  She didn’t say anything or divert her attention as Tobin walked behind her, only speaking up before she rounded the corner.  “Tobin, wait.”  

 

Tobin knew that voice and she wasn’t going to go through this.  Not tonight at least.  She could tell from that tone that Christen wanted to start a conversation and she didn’t trust herself after a night like this to keep it together.  The emotions coursing through her body would be hard enough to handle; anything Christen had to add to it would be unbearable.   “I’ll see you Monday morning.  Text me if you need me to pick anything up to bring,” she offered as an alternative.  Feet followed her at a quicker pace, trying to catch up with her before she reached the door.

 

“Are you sure you can’t stay?  Just for one more glass or something?  I think we still have some gin somewhere if you’d rather have that?”  There was a surprise hint of desperation in her voice.  Tobin turned around and studied her, wanting to give into that face staring back at her.  The one where her eyes went wide and her nostrils flared, causing her upper lip to separate from the bottom.  It was one she was used to kissing away, but that wasn’t the case this time. Christen’s beauty was blinding for sure, but Tobin wasn’t a complete sucker.  “We both already had a drink tonight, Chris.  Best if we call it a night.”

 

Seeing the frustration coming from her wife, she turned back around to put her shoes on.  “Tobin it was a quick drink.  I was only out for an hour.  Would it help if I offered to do the same for you one night or something?”  She scoffed at the question audibly, frustration building inside.

 

“Tobs, please.  Talk to me.  I’m sorry I did this.  We can pick a night for you to go out and we’ll call it even.  I know your time is just as valuable as mine and you deserve the chance to go out, too. I - I should have known better to do this.”  

 

Looking back before she walked through the door, Tobin shook her head and closed her eyes tightly, trying her best to not break down.  “No. That wouldn’t work because the only person I’d want to go out with is you.”

 

She shut the door behind her quickly, not waiting to see the tears that were starting to fall from Christen’s eyes. 

 

….

  
  


Tobin woke the next morning with a huge headache.  It was likely a mixture of the hard crying and pity boozing she’d done alone before retiring to her guest bedroom for the night.  She was kind of thankful that Kelley wasn’t home when she got there, knowing her friend would take one look at the tear stained cheeks and probe for more answers about the situation.  

 

It had been too much in one night to process, seeing Christen looking that gorgeous coming home to their house and children after she’d been on a date.  It had been another thing to think that Christen wanted to talk about something, possibly about the state of their relationship.  Maybe she had a really good time and realized that she was ready to move on for good, that they needed to start the divorce process.  Or maybe the look on her face of desperation was something different.  But she wasn’t ready to know what it was yet, which led her to finishing off an opened bottle by herself.

 

She hated waking up in the plain bedroom without the comforting sounds of giggles or Saturday morning smells coming from the kitchen.  She knew Christen would make something incredible and they’d get some time to have coffee at a slower pace than during the week, discussing what they should do for the day.  Now, she imagined the same routine but without her in it.

 

The couple of times the kids spent the night at “cool Aunt Kelley’s”, the mornings hadn’t been the same.  She loved her friend but she was no match for her wife in the cooking department nor was her ‘just rolled out of bed look’ nearly as adorable.  Her body laid limp on the mattress as thoughts about what to do for the day cycled in her mind.

 

A text message startled her out of her thoughts and she reached over blindly on her nightstand to see who it was.  

 

**Anna:  Hey!  I’m taking Sophie to the waterpark today and she asked if Emerson wanted to come.  Is that okay?  You’re welcome to join!**

 

She wasn’t sure why she just didn’t text Christen, because Anna was well aware of their current arrangement.  Not by choice actually, but because Emme had told Sophie one day that her ‘Mama sleeps with Aunt Kelley”, which was repeated to Anna who happened to mention it to Tobin during their walk home from the bus stop.  The woman thought her five year old had outed an affair so she really didn’t have a choice but to clarify the situation.  

 

A handful of other people knew what was going on, including their families and close friends but for the most part they silently agreed to keep it close to the vest.  The less the kids knew too, the better.  Neither one had initiated any type of reconciliation or worse, any type of permanent separation.  They were simply on a plateau.

 

Calling Christen immediately, she realized she wasn’t even sure how she felt about the invitation.  She had nothing to do but wasn’t sure that she wanted to spend the day with a family besides her own.  

 

“Hey, good morning!” Christen cheerily greeted after the second ring.  Her enthusiasm caught Tobin a bit off guard, but she forged on anyhow.

 

“Morning.  Hey, Anna just texted me and invited Emme to the waterpark with them.  Wasn’t sure how you felt about it so I wanted to check before I gave her an answer.  Or you can always reach out to Anna to discuss it.”  She heard pots and pans rattling in the background and assumed she was right about Christen making something for them all.

 

“Hmm, well I was going to take them to the beach since it’s so nice out but I mean I can just take Sam and have some one on one time with him.  That wouldn’t be a bad thing, would it?”  Tobin actually thought it was perfect because their two year old at the beach  was more than a handful and even though Emme was a big help, the amount of sand that was likely to find it’s way to Christen’s car would make her crazy.  “Yeah, I think that would be great.  Why don’t I swing by in a little to help you guys get ready and I’ll take her while you take him.” 

 

Christen paused for a moment before asking, “oh.  You’re going with them?”  Tobin shrugged her shoulders for no one to see.  “Well Anna said I could come and I figure I’ll get to hang with Emme.  I hadn’t planned anything for the day anyway.”  

 

“Oh.”  Christen’s tone had changed, a bit short and seemed annoyed.  “Should I not go?” Tobin asked with hesitation.  She wasn’t sure why it would be a problem for her to spend some quality time with their daughter even though she wasn’t used to seeing her on Saturdays lately.  Christen had never, ever tried to take the kids from Tobin.

 

Sighing, Christen finally told her “No, that’s fine.  She’ll like that.”  

 

“Ok, then I’ll be over in like half an hour,” she started getting out of bed to get ready for her day ahead.  Christen agreed to the plan and the phone clicked off before she had a chance to say a real goodbye.  

 

The line was dead so she had no problem echoing, ‘love you, Chris.’  She ended the call the same way she always did, just without her wife hearing her.

 

….

 

Tobin strapped Emerson safely into the back of Anna’s SUV before making sure they had everything they needed for the day.  Her little legs dangled over the seat, reminding Tobin so much of herself at that age.  She was so lanky and sweet, a face with wide eyes and an even bigger smile.  Their house was right across the street from Christen’s (well hers too) but was a bit smaller.  Theirs didn’t have the same charm she thought, but it could have been because Christen had theirs expertly landscaped and freshly painted recently.  

 

They’d bought the house right after Sam was born, sadly giving up their first home as a family near the beach.  This one had a bigger yard and a small amount of neighbors that were around the same ages of their kids.  It was one of those places Tobin never imagined herself living, but admitted it fit them perfectly.

She’d even come to miss being there full-time time, especially when trying to squeeze two people into Kelley’s shoebox of a bathroom.

 

She gave Christen a quick wave, who was standing in their driveway watching them carefully, before getting into the car herself.  Tobin could feel the tension radiating off of Christen when she walked in the house a little while ago, unsure if it was because of the comment she made last night before she left or if she did something else this morning to piss her off.  Either way, she treaded lightly in her presence and even carried out the cooler and chairs to Christen’s car for her before going across the street.  Tobin silently made a mental note to address it if it continued since she didn’t want to create an unpleasant atmosphere for the kids.

 

“Ready to get this show on the road?” Anna smiled while climbing into the driver’s seat.  Little cheers came from the backseat as they pulled out of the driveway and through the neighborhood.  “So Tobin, did you stay over last night?  I noticed your car on the street last night and again this morning when I came out to get the mail.”

 

She was a little uncomfortable speaking about the arrangement with anyone, but especially someone who didn’t know them as a couple that well. Over the past two or three years they’d known each other they were friendly acquaintances whose kids played together and occasionally they talked at the bus stop or on the street.   “No, just spending some time with the kids.”  She looked out the window, hoping to signal she wasn’t looking to make this into a conversational topic.

 

“Oh,” Anna acknowledged.  “I was thinking maybe you two had worked things out, but you’re still separated, right?”

 

Clenching her teeth for a second in agitation, Tobin nodded her head to the backseat where Emerson was to say, ‘can we not talk about this in front of her?’  Anna got the hint and apologized silently, resorting to bringing up the events at school instead.

 

Luckily the next few hours at the waterpark were busy and hectic, not giving Anna anymore time to ask personal questions.  Tobin found herself truly enjoying the sunny day outside with her girl, a rarity these days.   _ Has it really been this long since it’s been just us _ , she thought as she watched Emerson way up high get settled into an inner tube to go down one of the slides all by herself.  It was like she blinked and her first baby was this confident, beautiful little girl herself. Shooting a thumbs up with her right hand, she steadied her iPhone in the other to get a good shot of her so she could send to Christen.

 

The squeals of delight Emerson let out as she splashed into the water made Tobin wish she had gotten a video instead of just a few pictures.  Still, she quickly sent them out to Christen, knowing it would both make her smile and wish she was there, too.  Or at least that’s what she hoped.  Underneath everything, she still wanted to believe that Christen wasn’t ready to give up on them just yet.

 

Although Anna didn’t have the time to do much talking with her mouth, Tobin felt the assault from her eyes.  Naive and oblivious were two terms friends sometimes used to describe her, but even she knew that Anna was checking her out now.  All the other times she’d downplayed it; rationalizing it was all in her head and was just lonely.  But as she tracked Anna’s eyes darkening as they moved up her display of abdominal muscles, shiny from the water, she felt almost taken advantage of.

 

Quickly putting a towel over her body for protection, she turned around to make sure Emme was warm, too when she got out of the water.  “Peanut, do you want to change before we leave or just wear a towel in the car?”  In her head, she heard Christen telling her  _ ‘she has to change, Tobin! She’ll catch a cold from the car air conditioning if she stays in a wet swimsuit’.   _ The thought made her smile as Emerson’s  grasp on her waist got her attention.  “Mama, I want to go to the beach where Mommy and Sam are,” she pouted.  Her eyes were droopy even though she had a smile on.  Tobin knew what was about to happen, the little girl was going to fall asleep the moment she got in the car.

 

“I’ll tell you what,” Tobin promised as she bent down to eye level, wrapping her up in a towel. “Why don’t we dry you off pretty good and get ready to go.  We won’t change out of your swimsuit and when we get home, if Mommy and Sam are still at the beach, we’ll go meet them.  How’s that sound?”

 

Emerson processed the idea and ultimately agreed, “I just wanna see Mommy.”  Tobin drew her eyes away from the little girls’,  sliding her hands up and down the towel to give warmth.  For a second she wondered if Emerson preferred Christen’s company over her own but quickly realized it was just because she was used to spending the day with her instead.  During the week, Tobin had the majority of her company.  “Yeah, me too peanut,” she found herself replying.

 

Turns out, Tobin is more intuitive than she ever imagined.

 

Anna pulled into Christen’s driveway so Tobin wouldn’t have to carry Emerson across the street since she was out like a light before they even left the parking lot.  Tobin was quick to gently rustle her from the backseat, careful not to interrupt her nap.  It might mean she would be much harder to get to bed on time tonight, but who was she to deny the angelic face in her arms?

 

A hand reached over top of hers after she’d maneuvered them out of the car, to shut the door.  Anna had gotten out from the driver’s side to help them, not that Tobin really needed it.  “Oh, uh, thanks,” she made sure to politely say.  Anna stepped in a little closer to Tobin’s body that was clutching her daughter so closely, lying that same hand on top of her bicep. 

 

“I had a great time today, Tobin.  I think the girls did, too?”  Tobin tried to casually step out from under Anna’s touch as she agreed.  “Yeah, the girls had fun.  Thanks so much for inviting Emerson.”

 

Anna continued, a playful grin on her face.  “And you?  Did you have a fun time with us?”

 

She didn’t want to send the wrong message.  She wasn’t interested in anything other than  being a friendly neighbor than this woman, and only because her daughter got along so well with her kid.  Her words were drawn out and carefully chosen, trying not to be too obvious.  “I was really glad to spend some one on one time with Emme.”

 

It didn’t work.

 

Anna’s smile grew as she took a step into Tobin’s side, forcing her into a tough angle between her and the car.  Tobin’s palms were sweaty as the held on a bit tighter to the sleeping girl.  “I was thinking maybe next weekend that while Christen has the kids, you and I could go out.  Maybe we could have dinner or something together?  I’ll ask her to keep Sophie too that way we won’t have to rush home.”

 

“What am I doing?”

 

Raven colored hair that twisted into a braid peeked out from above Anna’s shoulder.  Christen must have caught part of the conversation and judging by the way her arms were folded protectively over her chest, she wasn’t happy about it.  Her eyes gave her away even more, as they were narrowed and burning a hole into the back of Anna’s head.  Tobin wracked her brain to think of a time where Christen had mentioned any issues she had with the woman, but couldn’t think of any.  Lately though, it seemed she wasn’t at the top of her favorite people list.

 

“Oh, I was just saying to Tobin it might be nice for her to get a night out without the kids.  I know I’m dying for one,” Anna chuckled without budging.  Christen raised her eyebrow at Tobin, waiting for an answer or objection. 

 

She got the hint immediately and knew she had to end this interaction.  “Hey Anna, thanks again for the invitation.  I gotta get Emerson inside and changed outta her swimsuit.  I’ll see you later,” she nervously rushed out as she pushed her away around the woman blocking her path.  She wasn’t that lucky however to come out of it unscathed, as Anna stopped put her arm out to stop her and she leaned in to place a light kiss to her cheek.  

 

“I’ll call you, Tobin.”

 

If she wasn’t holding Emerson in her arms, she could have fainted right there out of both embarrassment and fear.  Christen looked just as shocked as she was, but said nothing.  She walked inside of the house, the cold air blasting and waking up Emerson almost immediately.  “Mama, are we at the beach?”  she lazily asked while her eyes fluttered open.

 

“No peanut,” she smiled.  “Mommy and Sam are home already.  I’m carrying you upstairs so we can get out of this wet swimsuit and you can have some dinner.  I bet Mommy made something special for you since she missed you all day.”  She planted light kisses on the little girl’s wet hair, thankful for the sweet moment in the midst of all the tension.

 

The pair got themselves cleaned up for dinner, even though Tobin knew hers would be from some drive-through window on the way back to Kelley’s house.  Emerson seemed a little more than clingy during the whole process, making Tobin question if there was something wrong.  When they got back downstairs where Sam and Christen were stationed at the kitchen island, she mentioned it in a hushed tone.

 

“Something’s up with Emme.  I don’t know if she’s not feeling well or whatever, but I just wanted to let you know in case you notice it, too.”

 

Christen turned her back even further at Tobin and gave a brief laugh.  “Ha, I wonder why.”   Tobin stopped in her tracks, detecting some sort of passive aggression in the retort.  “What do you mean?”

 

Christen bent over in her chair to meet Sam’s eyes.  “Why don’t you go in the living room with Emme, honey?  Go pick out a movie for us to watch after dinner.”   Both parents watched as he excitedly climbed down the stool and scurried past them, calling out to his sister, “Emme! Movie! We pick a movie!”

 

Tapping her foot and waiting for an answer, Tobin cleared her throat.  “Chris?”

 

The darker haired woman squared her body and narrowed her eyes as a response.  “Let me think,” she said sarcastically.  “Why would our five year old not be feeling well after watching another woman kiss her mother and flirt with her while her other mother is standing right there?  Yes, totally normal and completely appropriate.”

 

Tobin was floored.  The interaction made her feel uncomfortable for sure, but Emme was asleep and there was no way any part of her insinuated that she wanted Anna.  “Christen, you’re kidding me, right?” she asked, half hoping it was a joke, the other not believing this way happening.  

 

Christen pushed herself up and around the counter to busy herself with finishing dinner.  “No, I’m not.  I’d appreciate it if you could control yourself a little around our five year old and two year old.”  Tobin knew better than to react and meet the frustration of her wife.  She was being irrational and fighting fire with fire would get them nowhere.

 

“Okay, I’m sorry.  But you have to know Chris, I wasn’t -”   
  


“I can’t do this right now, Tobin. I just want to get our kids fed,” Christen interrupted, this time her delivery a bit softer.  She looked up at her, their eyes searching one another’s for a brief moment.  

 

“Chris,” she tried again, taking one step closer.

 

Christen shook her head and closed her eyes tightly.  “Please,” she whispered.  “Later. Just...not now. I’ll see you on Monday.”

 

Tobin retreated two steps back from the kitchen, putting more space between them.  She looked over to see her daughter and son sorting their stack of DVDs but couldn’t muster up the energy to put on a fake smile.

 

“Tell them I love them,” she said before quietly slipping through the front door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter or two, the tide will begin to change...


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things might start looking up for T + C ....

“Is everything okay, Christen?”  her mom asked her from across the table where she was humoring Emerson by letting her paint her fingernails.  They had made an impromptu visit on the sunny Sunday morning after a sleepless night, one where Christen’s tears soaked her pillow.

 

She stared blankly out at the ocean behind her sunglasses, from overtop of the cliffs in her parent’s serene backyard, the same ones she’d grown up with.  This space had always been her sanctuary; a place she could get lost in and feel peace when she craved it the most. That’s why she wanted to come today, but lately, even this didn’t help.

 

The past couple of days had been replaying in her mind and as much as she just wanted to forget about it, she forced herself to go back and pinpoint all the things she needed fix.  When she left the bar to go home to Tobin, Lana had seemed understanding, even sending her an e-mail the day after asking how she was doing.  She mentally checked that box and moved on to Anna.  

 

Christen never really liked the woman, it was obvious she drooled over Tobin every chance she got.  Not that she ever thought her wife had picked up on it, which made her smile in hindsight, but she just felt uncomfortable with the way she looked at her.  She should have known that giving Tobin the green light to go to the waterpark and spend the day together would only push them together even more, especially when Tobin had said what she did the night before.

 

_ “the only person I’d want to go out with is you…” _

 

It was all so confusing and hopeful and hopeless at the same time.  But that line had sparked something in her until she saw the pair huddled close, Anna’s hands seemingly burning through Tobin’s skin.  And when she saw her kiss her?  It took every ounce of restraint in her body to hold back from ripping her away.

 

When she didn’t answer, Christen’s mother quietly suggested to Emerson that she go find her grandfather and brother inside and tell them it was time for lunch.   Hearing that they were going to have hot dogs sent her running faster than she needed to.  Christen smiled softly, watching her girl bounce up and down with the french braids she’d put in her hair that morning.  She had also insisted on wearing the replica of Tobin’s old Thorns jersey, still way too big on her little body.

 

When she was out of sight and it was just the two of them, her mother squared her body and got serious.  “Honey, please talk to me.  I can tell something is eating away at you and I have a pretty good guess as to what it is.  Please let me in.”

 

But she didn’t want to; Christen didn’t want to voice her fears out loud because then that would legitimize them and make them real. If she just kept this up a little longer, maybe things would just fix themselves naturally.  This was the lie she was best trying to convince herself of, failing miserably.

 

“Christen.”  Her mother’s sharpness cut her through haze.  They’d attempted this conversation a few times before but it never went anywhere since Christen was so quick to brush her off.  She exhaled deeply, “Mom, I’m just really busy and stressed at work, okay?”  

 

It was only a partial lie, she really did have a big event coming up that she was running and her most reliable intern had quit last week.  Her motivation to do well and put on these kinds of things was dropping off by the day, but she had to keep charging on.

 

Sliding her chair a littler closer so that they were a normal range for conversation, her mom offered some advice.  “If work is stressing you out that much, why don’t you cut back a little?  Or even quit, God knows it’s not like you really need the money right now.”

 

“I can’t quit my job,” she snapped in response.  It was true that her family was financially secure, at least for the foreseeable future, and that she didn’t need to be working as much as she did.  Before Sam was born and even after, Tobin had assured her that it was up to her how little or much she wanted to work.  The cause was important to her and that’s why she initially jumped at the chance for a director’s role.  They’d taken the changes in stride and up to about three months ago, she thought everything had been working out pretty well.

 

“I don’t understand.  You don’t need the money, you say all the time how much you wish you could spend more time with the kids and how stressed you are at work.  I just don’t get why you won’t quit,” she pushed. Growing up, her mom knew what buttons to push and it was clear she hadn’t forgotten her tricks.

 

Christen’s mouth opened before she could process what was about to come out, even though it was the same thought that had been swimming for a while in her brain.  “I CAN’T quit because then if I DON’T have a job, she has…….” her voice broke off before she could finish the statement. 

 

A gentle hand found one of hers that was trembling at the fear that had surfaced.  “Sweetie, she won’t what?”

 

Looking up, she saw concern written all over her mom’s face.  She took a steadying breath and let it all just flow.  The mounting fears, the doubt and risks. “If I don’t have a job, then Tobin won’t need to be at the house almost everyday.  I could stay home with the kids and there would be no reason for her to be there anymore.”

 

She was expecting some kind reassurance or maybe even pity.  She was met with neither.  

 

“You’re a fool to think that, Christen,” a hardened voice shook her.

 

Stunned, Christen squeaked out, “excuse me?”

 

Her mother looked up and pointed over her head to the house.  “Do you honestly think Tobin cares if you work or not?  That’s not the reason she’s there every day, Christen.”  Her lack of silence only fueled her mother’s rant even more.

 

“Christen, wake up.  She is there from sunrise to sunset because she is madly in love with those two babies and she loves you, too.  It wouldn’t matter if you were at work, at home or in outer space.  She’s going to show up day in and day out until you tell her she can come home for good.  So stop thinking that she’s doing any of this out of obligation.”

 

She’d never thought Tobin was doing it out of obligation per se, but she had to admit that she had wondered that if she didn’t have this job, would Tobin still stay in the house?  Would she just prefer to take the kids to Kelley’s and hand them off when she was done?  Not for a lack of love for their son and daughter, but rather so the two of them didn’t have to interact.

 

Quietly, she played with her wedding band she opted to put on for the first time in awhile this morning.  It had looked so lonely in ring dish on their dresser, the sparkle of the diamonds going to waste between the four walls of their bedroom.  “Then why hasn’t she asked to come home for good?  She seems content to stay in the studio and flirt with the neighbor across the street,” she added with a harsh undertone.

 

Her mom rolled her eyes.  “Christen, I haven’t pushed you on any of this because I know it’s been rough and honestly, as long as the kids seemed happy I promised myself I wasn’t going to get in the middle.  But now this is just stupid.  You’re the one who asked her for space so you need to be the one to ask her to come back.”

 

“How do you know I’m the one who asked for space?” she asked defensively, even though it was very much the truth.

 

“Because Tobin told me.”  Before Christen could ask or get angry at her wife for spilling any details, she was met with a pair of hands in the air telling her to stop.  “I hounded her, Christen. She didn’t say much, just that she missed you so much and that she was having a hard time giving you the space that you asked for.”

 

Christen felt herself getting a little choked up at the image of Tobin sitting by herself and crying, especially when she was part of the cause.  She gripped her ring a little tighter,  “I don’t know mom, I mean I believe you but it just doesn’t make sense.  She wouldn’t stay on Friday when I asked her to have a drink with me, then throws it in my face that I was out when the only person she wants to be out with is me.  The next day I thought we could hit the reset button only to find out she’s spending the day with our neighbor who won’t stop undressing her with her eyes and they’re getting a little too close in the driveway.  It’s all so confusing and I don’t know, I just...I just think she’s starting to move on.”

 

“Please,” her mom scoffed.  “I love you Christen, I do.  But you are being the biggest hypocrite right now.  You went out on on a date then expect her not think YOU are the one moving on?  You can’t have it both ways, sweetheart.”

 

Her jaw dropped, completely at a loss for words momentarily.  “Mom, how did you know I went on a date?  I’m starting to think you’re spying on us or having us followed!”  

 

Her mom’s eyes darted away, hesitantly searching to settle on anything but Christen’s face.  “ _ Mom… _ .” Christen said again, almost whining now. 

 

“Okay fine.  But promise me you won’t get mad?”  She was curious, no doubt, and wanted to know.  But she also didn’t want to make that promise.  Weighing her options, she just gave in, “Yes, fine, I won’t get mad.  Now how do you know?”

 

Her mom smirked and leaned back in her chair.  “I love Tobin like she is one of my own.  She’s been such a great addition to this family and I’m forever grateful she gave you the family you’ve always wanted.  This hasn’t just been hard on you two, I’ve missed her.  So, I started asking her to have lunch with me once a week when Emme was in school and Sam had something going on or whatever.  Before you get upset, she was really torn up about it at first.  She thought it was wrong to go behind your back until I basically showed up one day and made her get in the car with me.”

 

Christen was stunned.  Tobin wasn’t manipulative and deceptive and she was sure that having lunch with her mom wasn’t anything of that sort, but it was still surprising.  “And she….she told you I had a date?”

 

“Yes,” her mom’s voice was a little gentler now, “she’s hurting, Christen.  She loves you so much and this is just killing her.”

 

She hadn’t even registered the tears falling from her eyes until the lenses from her sunglasses were wet.  “ I love her so much too,” she whispered.  “I can’t believe this is where we’re at.  How do I fix it, Mom?”

 

The arms that had soothed and cradled her from the moment she was born snaked around her back and held her tightly.  “Talk to her, sweetie.  Just sit down and talk.”

 

….

On Monday morning, Christen woke up nearly an hour earlier.  She was feeling slightly better after leaving her parents’ house, an extra pep in her step as she prepared to take her mom’s wise advice.  She took an extra fifteen minutes on her hair, picked out one of the dresses she knew Tobin thought looked good on her, and started the coffee.  Her nervous fingers tapped against her steaming mug, waiting in anticipation for Tobin to walk in the door.  Normally, they just passed each other or worked quickly to get Emerson out the door in tow with her, but last night Christen made sure to pack her lunch, give her a bath and lay out her clothes in hopes of having just five minutes of alone time with Tobin.

 

Her body jumped with excitement when she heard the key turn and she heard her tired feet shuffle through the kitchen.

 

“Morning,” she warmly greeted her wife, catching her off-guard.

 

“OH!” Tobin clutched her chest with the a hand that was weighted down with shopping bags.  “Good morning, I didn’t think you were down here yet.”

 

Christen laughed to herself and stood up, stepping closer to help take the bags from Tobin’s arms.  She did her best to make eye contact as she did, searching the golden orbs looking bag at her with apprehension.  “I made coffee, can I get you a cup?”

 

Tobin looked over to see that yes, Christen had made some for her, but her honest face gave away her confusion.  She knew her wife was wondering the change in their morning routine, especially after their last encounter.

 

“Okay…” the last sound extending just a bit.  Tobin sat on the stool on the end, the furthest from where Christen’s cup was.  This is going to take some real effort, Christen thought as she laid down the bags and picked up the second mug, snagging some sugar packets to place in front of her wife.  As Tobin prepared her cup just how she liked it, Christen grabbed her own and sat down right next to her, leaving little room between them. 

 

The proximity made Tobin’s head swim a little, realizing she hadn’t been this close to her without the kids as a buffer.  She thought it was odd, and out of the corner of her eye she watched Christen nervously lick her lips but stare ahead at nothing in particular.   There was something up for sure, but she didn’t know if it was a good or bad thing.  Christen didn’t seem angry and she couldn’t remember the last time she’d offered to make her a cup of coffee in the morning.  She smiled into her cup as she sipped, thankful for a small moment of peace between them.

 

Just as she’d been suspecting, Christen cleared her throat to say something.  “Hey Tobin….?”

 

She put down her mug to give her every ounce of her attention.  “Yeah, what’s up?”  Looking at her, she saw how truly beautiful Christen was, especially this morning.  It should be a crime to go to work looking like that, and it didn’t help that her perfume filled her nose with every little movement she made.  The morning light  shining through the window made her look angelic, and for the first time in a long time, she was really  _ looking _ at her wife.

 

Christen turned her body slightly, knocking her knees against Tobin’s thighs nervously. “Oh uh, sorry, um…”  she looked at her lap before a surge of confidence went through her.  She looked up to see Tobin patiently waiting for her and she melted right then and there.  “I don’t like how things went on Friday and Saturday and I just wanted to say how sorry I am.  I’d really like if we could start over and just forget about it all.”

 

Tobin let the apology sink in.  _  Start over?  What does she mean by that?  What are we forgetting? What I said? Her date? _

 

She felt a soft hand touch her knee, bringing her furrowed eyebrows back to neutral.  “Sorry.  Yeah, that uh, that sounds good.”  

 

She saw Christen visibly exhale and a hint of a smile play at her lips.  “Good.  Now I have a question for you.”

  
  


Tobin wasn’t sure just what she had agreed to, but hoped the follow-up would better guide her.  “Yeah, hit me.”  She was very aware that Christen’s hand hadn’t left her knee yet and it was like it had ignited electricity through her body. For the first time in awhile, she felt more alive under the simple touch of Christen.

 

“Tobin, would you maybe want to go to the Grassroot event with me on Saturday night?  I already asked my mom if she’d watch the kids and I just thought it’d be really nice to have you there with me.”  Tobin was a little taken aback by the invitation, wondering just what Christen’s motive for it was.  She had just heard her say start over, but she hadn’t thought she meant like that.  They hadn’t done anything past watch TV together, just the two of them, in months.   

 

Instead of asking the questions swirling in her head, she could only think to say, “Uh what time is it?  Do I have to wear a dress?”  Christen’s face once again relaxed into a familiar smile at her,  “it’s a late happy hour thing, mostly cocktails and heavy hor dourves.  Business casual so you don’t have to wear a dress if you don’t want to.  But you’re welcome to look in my closet if you want to borrow something.”

 

Tobin went through a checklist of reasons why it would be a bad idea to go as she searched the pool of green eyes in front of her, but ultimately she didn’t care about any of them.  She wanted to spend time with Christen and this was a perfect opportunity; maybe the only one she would get. “Yeah, sounds good to me.  Do you want me to meet you here at the house or...?”  

 

Her wife twisted her mouth while in thought.  “No, why don’t I pick you up at quarter of seven?  The kids will be too excited to go down for my mom if you come over so it’s easier this way.”  Tobin hummed in agreement, thinking this was a new territory for them.  In a way, it felt like a date.  

 

Christen slid off of her stool to put her mug in the dishwasher, finally giving Tobin some space to think and actually formulate an original thought.  “So what’s the occasion?” she tried to ask as casually as possible while taking a swig of her coffee, hydrating her dry throat.   

 

Christen fell back into her stool and pulled open a granola bar to chew on.  “It’s just a networking thing for all the people who work for us, potentially want to work for us or donors.  Kind of a ‘thank you’ and ‘let’s keep this thing going.’  I had two weeks to organize it and it’s been stressing me out.”    Tobin shifted herself to stand up, trying to collect Christen’s wrapper and her mug to take the dishwasher.  “Oh, so you’re running the event?”  

 

She gave a single nod while chewing. “Yeah, kinda.  There’s not much to do now but pray it goes off without a hitch.  I just could really use the support,” she shyly tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.  Now Tobin understood why she was asked to go.  It put a glimmer of hope in her heart, realizing Christen still leaned on her in times of need.   She was using it to extend the olive branch and Tobin honestly told her, “well I’m happy to go with you,” flashing her best smile.

 

Tobin watched Christen triumphantly stand up and walk towards the stairs to go wake the kids and start their morning routine. She stopped short of the doorway leading to the foyer without looking back knocked the door frame lightly, saying “Great.  It’s a date.”

 

….

All week she had been a wreck.  There something so different about the way they looked at each other and spoke to each other.  Tobin still stayed in the basement and Christen still only had a little time to spare when she came home from work, but they both found themselves getting up a few minutes earlier to have coffee together.  It was ten minutes tops, and on Wednesday morning neither of them even spoke.  They simply sat in a peaceful silence and enjoyed each other’s company.

 

It was different, but good different.

 

On Thursday after Christen left for her office, she texted her mother-in-law to confirm their noon lunch date.  It didn’t make her feel good to leave her wife out of their little rendezvous, but she also didn’t want to upset Stacy.  She had meant so much to her over the years, especially when her family was on the other side of the country.  The woman was much different than her own mother, but neither seemed to have a lack of love for her.

 

For once she was really looking forward to it, maybe even for selfish reasons.  She wanted to pick her mother-in-law’s brain about the change she’d noticed in Christen this week.  She wanted to know if she had influence over it or any insight.  The time crept by slowly and she might have even left ten minutes earlier than she needed to drop Sam at his play group. 

 

“Mama, we play soccer tonight?” her little dude asked from his car seat.  In her rearview mirror, Tobin looked at him kicking his little legs up and down excitedly.  “Of course buddy,  maybe we can play for a little bit when Mommy gets home from work.  How about that?”

 

Sam’s little laugh filled her car, a better sound than any music on the radio.  “Me and Emme beat you and Mommy!”  

 

“Ohhh,” Tobin teased, “you two think you can beat Mommy and I?  I don’t think so, buddy.”  She kept going, not particularly proud of trash-talking her two year old, but loving the competitive spark coming out of him and how he passionately defended his team.  _ Definitely Christen’s kid _ , she thought. 

 

After she smothered him in kisses and sent him away for two hours, she pulled into their usual lunch spot, spotting Stacy’s car.

 

“Tobin!” she heard as she walked onto the patio, noticing their drinks and an appetizer were already waiting.  “Hi, honey! Sit down, sit down.  I figured I’d order for us since I got here early.  Is that okay?”    By now, Stacy knew her favorite and it wasn’t like she was a picky eater.  “Yeah, thanks.  How are you?”

 

Tobin took a long drink from her straw in her water before she notice the woman across her beaming.  She looked like she was going to fall out of her seat with excitement at any moment.  “How are  _ you _ ?” Stacy countered, and her mischievous tone was not lost on Tobin.

 

“I’m good?  I just dropped Sam off and Emerson’s had a really go -” Stacy scrunched up her face and started waving her off.  “No, no.  How are  _ you…. _ and _ Christen?” _

 

_ Ah, cutting to the chase,  _ Tobin thought.  She was pleasantly surprised, thinking she was definitely going to be the one to bring up this subject maybe towards the end of their meal.  “Things are good,” she attempted at coyly, but her smile gave everything she was thinking away.

 

Stacy squealed, “so she asked you, you’re going to the work thing with her?”  At this point, it might be safe to assume Stacy was more excited than her at the prospect of their night out together.

 

“Yeah,” she admitted.  “She did.”

 

“This is wonderful! Oh, you two.  This just makes me so happy!” Her mother-in-law couldn’t contain herself as she reached her hand across the table to take Tobin’s, squeezing it tightly. 

 

She laughed, then signaled for her to slow down.  “Okay, okay.  Calm down, I’m happy too but I’m also nervous. I mean, this just came out of left field you know?  I’m trying to stay grounded.”

 

“I get that,” she heard.  “But Tobin, just remember that Christen is hard on herself; she gets inside her own head and then can be stubborn.  You might need to give her some signals or reassurance along the way, but I know she wouldn’t ask you to do this if it wasn’t really what she wanted deep down.”

 

“I know,” Tobin breathed, feeling a bit heavy thinking of Christen like that.  “I’ve wanted to ask her so many times how she’s doing and everything but she just put up a wall.  I don’t know why I let her,” she shook her head in defeat.

 

“Because you love her,” Stacy said simply.  “You wanted to believe that she really was okay, that you two were going to be okay.  I get it.  Now, just don’t screw this up,” she chuckled.

 

“I’ll do my best not to,” Tobin said, half going along with the joke and half terrified out of her mind that she couldn’t uphold that promise.

 

….

  
  


If she thought she bad all week, Saturday had Tobin nearly biting her nails to the stump.  She had packed a few outfit options the day before when she left the house but none of them seemed adequate enough.  They were all ones Christen had seen and even though she never heard a complaint of how she looked in them, they didn’t seem special enough.  She even tried to sneak a peak in Christen’s closet to see what she was planning on wearing, but nothing was hanging or standing out to her.  

 

Last night before she left, she thought they had a moment.

 

_ Tobin leaned down to hug both of the kids goodbye, since they were staying up past their bedtime to play with their cousins who were sleeping over.  Christen insisted she didn’t have to stick around and although she actually wanted to, Kelley had invited her out for a late dinner. _

 

_ “So you guys be good for Grams tomorrow, okay?  Remember, she has eyes in the back of her head,” Tobin warned teasingly at eye level.  Emerson giggled, but Sam’s eyes just went wide, not understanding that she was joking.  “Love you guys, have fun.” _

 

_ “Bye, Mama!” Emerson screamed as she ran back into the living room to play, dragging her little brother by the hand. _

 

_ Christen leaned against the open front door, holding out Tobin’s jacket for her.  She looked exhausted from her long week, but still so beautiful in Tobin’s eyes. “Thanks,” she offered as she slid it around her shoulders. _

 

_ “So tomorrow…?” Christen questioned, her body looking cozy in the oversized sweatshirt she had changed into.  Her voice sounded warm, filled with sleep and Tobin couldn’t help but gravitate towards her.  Their eyes were gazing tentatively into one another’s until Christen closed hers and breathed in through her nose, deeply.  Tobin felt her inch forward so they were almost touching.  It felt like her heart was going to leap out of her chest and into Christen’s at any moment and when she angled her head to whisper, “you smell amazing,”  Tobin’s knees went weak. _

 

_ She laughed lightly and leaned in to whisper against Christen’s ear, “You like it?  It’s the newest rage, I think it’s called Mott’s.”   _

 

_ Christen grinned ear to ear, her eyes still closed as realized the scent was from Sam wiping his applesauce with cinnamon all over Tobin’s body when she tried, and failed, to corral him for a bath. _

 

_ Tobin leaned back and decided to take a chance, lightly reaching up to run her thumb across Christen’s cheek.  She saw the briefest flutter of Christen’s eyes, but they remained closed.  Her thumb traced down, slower now, across her bottom lip. _

 

_ “Mommmmmmmmy!” _

 

_ The shriek of their two year old broke them out of the bubble.  Tobin let her hand drop as Christen finally opened her eyes and came back down to Earth. “That’s me…” she smiled and stepped back slowly against the front door, opening it just a little wider.  It wasn’t a disappointed or a happy smile, but Tobin couldn’t put her finger on it. Before they had a chance to say anything else, the call came again. _

 

_ “I’ll see you tomorrow,” Tobin yielded, letting Christen tend to their kids.   _

 

_ “Can’t wait,” she heard follow her out the door. _

  
  


“Kel?” she called out to the living room where her friend was watching tv before her own date that night.  “Can you come help me pick something out to wear?  I need some advice.”  Groaning, the woman gave up her comfy position and walked into the bedroom.  “Alright, what do we have to choose from?”

 

She gave her best Vanna White impression at the pile in front of her, but Kelley seemed unimpressed.  “I think they all look fine.  Not too dressy, not too casual.  You’ll be a hit, Heath,” she called as she walked back out of the room.   “Kel, please!”  Tobin whined.  She wanted to look her best and make sure Christen found her just as desirable as she had presumably did last night.

 

“Okay, fine.  Wear the white pants but switch them to go with that sleeveless black top.  Is that Christen’s?  I didn’t think you owned anything that had lace.  Anyway, come to me when you’re dressed and make sure you put eyeliner on.  I’ll do your hair and I have a pair of dressy sandals that would go perfect with that.”

 

Tobin made a face, “I’m an adult.  I don’t need you to do my hair.  I’m adult with my own children.”

 

Kelley gave her a look right back.  “You know how to put a hat on your head and put it up in a ponytail.  It looks good when you just get out of the water but that’s not gonna fly tonight.  I’ll curl it for you.”  She knew she wasn’t going to win this argument so she let her shoulders fall and shooed the woman out so she could change.

 

Kelley’s insistence paid off. 

 

The moment she swung open the door to reveal a gorgeous looking Christen, she knew she looked good herself. “Tobin, you look…” Christen’s dark lips moved but words didn’t  come out.  She kept herself blushing a little but ultimately felt confident that she did indeed look pretty decent.  Her hair was swept half back, lightly curled at the ends.  She put a hint of makeup on just enough to bring out her eyes and make the apples of her cheeks glow.

 

“Thanks, you look really pretty tonight.”  She took two quick steps towards her wife and put a hand on her elbow, leaning in to give a quick peck to her cheek.  The last time she could remember her lips on Christen’s soft skin escaped her memory and for the past months she’d been dreaming of it.  The way Christen accepted the kiss and even leaned into the contact  told her tonight might be different.  Christen had called this a date and whether or not she really meant for it to be one, spending time together without the kids and outside of the house meant something to Tobin.

 

“Ready to go?”  she asked when she pulled back, seeing Christen’s eyes still lightly shut after the contact.  The woman recovered and snapped back to reality to jingle her car keys.  “Yeah, let’s do it.”

 


	6. Chapter 6

Tobin was right about it feeling a little more special; different tonight.  It wasn’t uncomfortable on the car ride, but they were definitely way more aware of each other, like how Christen kept asking if the air was at a comfortable setting and she apologized every time she accidently interrupted what Christen was going to say.  Nervous might have been the right word to label the mood, but an exciting nervous.  Tobin sat stiffly in the passenger seating, wondering if she had ever felt this nervous in Christen’s presence, even in the beginning of their relationship.  Of course her insides still buzzed with a simple smile in her direction and the smallest glimpse of Christen’s smooth skin wound her up, but she couldn’t think of when she had been this unsettled. Christen was typically a calming presence in her life; someone who brought structure and promise. 

 

“So did they go down at a decent hour or did they keep you up all night?”  Tobin asked about the sleepover, hoping that Christen wasn’t too tired to spend tonight out.  If all went well at the party, she was going to suggest they stay out a little later to get a drink or have a late night bite to eat.  

 

Christen continued to concentrate on the road but smiled, “Sam crashed about a half hour after you left, he just can’t keep up with the girls.  Emerson ended up crawling in bed with me around sometime around two because she said the others were hogging her blankets.”

 

Tobin pictured her sleepy and grumpy daughter walking in the dark to Christen’s bedside in the middle of the night.  “I bet you were just so upset about that and tried to put her in her own bed,” she teased, knowing how much Christen loved having the kids sleep in bed with them.  Despite all the advice against it in parenting books and from their friends, she always attempted to convince Tobin it was good ‘bonding’ for them as a family.  There was a stretch after Emme turned one that she was there for two weeks straight.  It probably did more harm to her own sleeping patterns, but seeing Christen so happy was worth it.   And now, she’d do anything to feel pairs of small toes pressed into her calf and arms flailing from night terrors again.

 

Christen didn’t take the bait and just kept smiling as she drove.  After a beat, she turned down the radio a little to where it was almost unable to be heard at all. Tobin saw the wheels turning in her head and knew she was internally working something out.  The silence crept up before Christen spoke.

 

“Hey Tobin?” Christen drew out slowly,  “I’m not trying to be rude or anything and I know they’re our favorite subject, but do you think we can talk about something other than the kids tonight?”

 

She wracked her brain to think of something, anything else that they could talk about at the immediate moment.  Tobin felt relieved it wasn’t anything heavier, but still stuttered and struggled. “Oh, yeah,” she assured her.  “Ummm…..”  _ Soccer, politics, the weather...think Tobin, think! _

 

A small laugh escaped Christen’s lips, “it’s hard isn’t it?  At some point they took over everything without us knowing.  Sometimes I forget there’s life outside of them.”  Tobin nodded, she couldn’t agree more.  “When I went out to dinner with Kelley solo for one of the first times, it felt so weird.  I was like wait, we’re at a place that doesn’t serve chicken nuggets or pizza?  And you could actually sit for more than two minutes after you were finished and just relax.”  

 

“Mmmm,” Christen hummed.  “I think I first really noticed when my sister took them for the afternoon to the park and I came home so excited to take a nap and just relax, maybe get take out for myself.  I was bored after ten minutes, I felt like should be doing something for them or checking in to make sure they were okay.  It just felt weird.”

  
  


“Yeah, definitely!” Tobin exclaimed.  “I feel that way when both kids have something going on.  I know I should be using the time to get stuff done around the house or doing something for myself but I can’t help it.”  She shook her head as she spoke, know all too well how pathetic she sounded.  It was nice though, having a small connection with her wife over something so little. 

 

“Yeah, but from what I hear you’ve found something to do during that time.”  Tobin’s head whipped in the direction of the taunting voice.  She assumed Christen meant the weekly lunch dates with her mom, but she couldn’t be sure.  She’d never hinted at or left any trace of their meetings and as far as she knew Stacy had been mum too.  A wry smile played at the corners of Christen’s mouth and her one eyebrow appeared to be raised, but Tobin didn’t want to risk the good thing they had going.  The last thing she wanted to do was upset Christen in any way or get too heavy before having to go inside.

 

Instead, Tobin looked out the window at the passing cars and trees.  They weren’t far from the office but it appeared Christen had taken a slightly different route, the scenic one to buy them more time.  Even with the awkward insinuation, it stayed comfortably quiet until she heard,  “do you like staying at Kelley’s?”  

 

The question caught her off-guard a little bit, especially because of the softness and vulnerability that it held.  She thought her answer through and hated the stretched out silence, but wanted to make sure she conveyed her feelings in just the right way.  Kelley had been a blessing as a friend over the years and especially now.  She welcomed her with one open arm to make sure she was taking care of herself and help her in anyway possible, but the other arm was pushing her away to make sure she didn’t get too comfortable there.  Insulting her apartment and her friendship wasn’t what she wanted to do, even to get her point across.

 

Tobin recycled her response in her head before she said it aloud.  “It’s not home.” She slowly turned to read Christen’s reaction, hoping she wasn’t overstepping if Christen even understood what she was trying to say. 

 

Her wife broke her concentration for a moment, looking over in her direction.  Christen’s face seemed both illuminated in hope and want but also mixed with regret and dispair.  The color of her eyes was mostly green with a hint of a gray and held a familiar feeling to Tobin herself, knowing how difficult it was to get those kind of moments in the first place, but also not counting on them too much. With every word Christen spoke to her, she held on to.  Getting back in her good graces was all she wanted and each day felt like climbing higher and higher up the mountain.  It was hard work, even thought to be impossible at times, but she wouldn’t quit despite any lack of progress or setbacks.

 

“No,” Christen lightly shook her head, looking back at the road and gripping the steering wheel harder, “no, it’s not.”  

 

It wasn’t exactly the response she was looking for. She had wanted to hear her honey-like voiced tell her she was missed and to come home.  So Tobin decided to take another leap of faith based on how close they had been last night and ask a question of her own.  “Would you rather I be at Kelley’s?”  She almost stopped breathing as soon as the inflection in her voice stopped, her heavier-than-usual eyes studying the darker brunette next to her closely.

 

She saw Christen’s face twist up as an immediate reaction, mostly in disagreement until a calmer, more neutral expression followed.  Christen appeared to be taking a moment to think her answer through too, leaving Tobin grateful for her consideration.

 

But that patience grew thin as the seconds ticked by and Christen still didn’t answer her.  Suddenly, she jerked the car into a parking spot along the main street of office without any sense of warning.  Tobin sat up straighter in her seat, eyes darting around to see if there was any type of emergency or explanation.  Christen parallel parked like a pro, throwing the car into park almost as quickly as they had stopped.

 

Tobin could see they were a few blocks from the office but there were plenty of space up ahead.  It wasn’t until she felt Christen’s hand slide over her own that she realized her wife wanted her attention.  She shifted her body to face Christen’s, who was waiting expectantly and looking at her with such intent.  Her eyes were still shining in the barely-there sun and her skin glowed.  It took everything in Tobin to keep her hands to herself and let Christen get out what she was so eager to say.

 

“Tobin,” Christen’s voice waivered, “I hate it. I hate that you’re away from us.”

 

_ Now that, _ Tobin thought, _ is what I needed to hear. _

 

“And I’d really like to talk about that.  But we can’t right now because I have to get inside.  Is that okay with you?”  Tobin’s breath hitched a little as she spoke.  “Y-yeah.  I’d like that.”

 

They stared at each other for a few lingering moments, neither daring to move from their spots or breaking eye contact. Tobin couldn’t help but feel that they were close, so close, and not getting the full satisfaction of reconciling in the tiniest way would be disappointing.   Christen’s phone buzzed in her lap a few times before she closed her eyes slowly.  “Okay, we should go in, they’re calling me.”

 

Tobin started to psych herself up to be around other people when all she wanted to do was lock them in the car and say everything she had been feeling for the past three months.  It had felt like they were on a high wire, walking ever so delicately and one slip up could be the all.  She hated the feeling and wanted nothing more than to cut it.

 

Christen opened her door first before Tobin scrambled to do so herself to keep up.  “Is everything okay? Like inside,” Tobin clarified after clearing her throat.  “Is that why they’re calling you?”  

 

“Yeah, I’m sure everything is fine,” Christen tried to reassure both herself and Tobin.  “You know how these things are, the better the food and the atmosphere is, the more generous people seem to be with their money.  We really count on these types of events.”  Tobin wanted to ignore the way Christen was running her hand over her hair to smooth any flyaways down, something she usually did as a nervous habit.  She watched her lick her lips and push them together, breathing in deeply through her nose in the meantime.

 

Without thinking, Tobin grabbed at Christen’s tiny wrist to whirl her around.  The surprise  in Christen’s eyes quickly settled into something deeper, and for a moment Tobin almost think she looked completely serene as she moved in closely against Tobin’s chest.

 

Tobin’s hands reached up gently to hold the side’s of Christen’s neck, her thumbs stroking down her hard jaw.  Christen closed her eyes and placed her hands onto of Tobin’s, her fingers hooking around them.  

 

“Breathe,” Tobin whispered, studying the beautiful face in front of her.  “Take a second and just breathe, Chris.  I have no doubt this will be an incredible party because you are incredible.  I’m so proud of you.”  She watched her words settle in, then Christen’s lips slightly part and if she wasn’t mistaken, pucker.

 

Her mind might have been playing tricks on her, but it wasn’t going to stop her there.  She inched in as close as she could without actually touching Christen’s face with her own and let the anticipation wash over her.  She noted how the scent of lavender radiated from her hair, the tiny sparkles from her eye makeup glittered and glistened and her full lips quivered.  

 

Tobin had never seen her so beautiful.

 

It had been three long months since she’d felt Christen’s lips against her own.  Before that, she’d grown so accustomed to stealing a kiss whenever she wanted, sometimes automatically out of routine.  Since their separation, she vowed that the next time she’d get the chance she wouldn’t waste it.

 

Tobin let out a small sigh the second they connected, still holding her head in her hands, her heartbeat quickening.  It was quick but pleasurable.  She opened her eyes to lean back and see if it had been welcomed before deciding to back to her lips, just barely touching. Just to barely kiss her, then kissing more of her lips, then kissing her fully.

 

Slow and gentle, Christen softly moaned as her fingertips brushed down Tobin’s arms. Dazed, Tobin pulled back and smiled in relief, “incredible.”

 

It seemed to work as Christen came back into the moment and nodded quietly.  She let her hand find Tobin’s, weaving their fingers together to walk side.  Out of the corner of her eye, Tobin could see Christen’s lips moving ever so slightly, saying something to herself with a small smile before biting her bottom lip.  

 

Once they found the entrance, they paused for another second to collect themselves.  As soon as they stepped inside the room, Tobin stood in awe of the work Christen had put in.  She was a familiar face around the office of course, thanks to the many lunch dates they had or previous events she was invited to.  But something about seeing the fruits of Christen’s labor made her both proud and to be honest, a little turned on. 

 

“Can I get you a drink?” Christen asked her almost immediately, grazing up against her side, unabashedly.  Tobin accepted the contact, more than thrilled.  “Yeah, whatever you’re having sounds good to me.”  Before the raven haired woman turned to the closest bartender, she paused and gave a soft smile.  “I’m really happy you’re here, Tobin.”

 

Tobin’s heart began to beat a little bit faster, then calmed once she registered the declaration.  Each new moment was building her up and she didn’t think she’d ever get used to it again.  “Me too,” she reached for two of Christen’s fingers dangling by her side and squeezed them briefly.  They toasted to a night without little eyes and ears and took a sip of their chilled champagne.  

 

It was nice.

 

Tobin felt like they were in their own little bubble, standing in a room full of important and wealthy people who Christen should really be schmoozing.  It was only minutes earlier she’d been nervous about how everything would go and now  they were talking closely, laughing about everything and anything running through their minds.  It was like the real reason they were there was all but forgotten. They fell into a nice rhythm, just the two of them.

 

After forty-five minutes, Tobin finally gave Christen a little push to go talk to a frequent donor she spotted.  “I’ll hold down the fort,” she insisted, raising her third glass of champagne.  She was feeling a bit buzzed both from the alcohol and the way Christen had been looking at her.

 

While by herself, she scrolled through her phone, thankful there were no texts or calls about the kids.  But Tobin had to remind herself that even in any event of emergancy, Stacy would probably wait until the last possible second to call either of  them tonight.  The thought made her smile.

 

“Something must be funny,” a thin, beautiful light brunette stood next to Tobin, noticing her.  She held a glass of something in one hand and pointed to the phone, gesturing at what she was talking about when she seemed confused. 

 

“Oh,” Tobin chuckled, “just starting to think our kids forgot about us.  Not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing.”  The woman raised her glass to cheers, “well when you’re at an event as nice as this, it’s probably a good thing.”

 

Just as Tobin was about to introduce herself to who she assumed was a ritzy, glamorous guest based on her dressed and impecible style, Christen approached the table.   _ The talk must not have gone well _ , she thought, based on the nervous expression she was wearing.

 

Instead, the new woman put her hand on Christen’s shoulder before leaning in to kiss her cheek.  “I’m so happy to see someone I finally know around here.”  Tobin tried to assess the relationship between the two based on their contact and something about it made her a little uneasy.

 

“Oh hi Lana, uh, this is  _ Tobin _ .” Christen gestured towards her, emphasizing her name.  Tobin was desperately trying to read this scenario and how each person played into it.

 

“Oh you’re Tobin! It’s so nice to meet you, I’ve heard so much about you.”  Tobin looked between the two women, Christen’s face now even more twisted up in what seemed like worry.  She could read her like a book; one that told the story of how uncomfortable she was that this stranger was giving away information she didn’t want Tobin to have.

 

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be rude but you’ll have to remind me again.  How do you know Christen?” 

 

The beautiful woman stuck her hand out and laughed like she was slightly embarrassed.  “Oh I’m sorry.  I’m Lana, I’m on the of the new directors that’s been working with Grassroots.  Hey, while I have you here, I  wanted to thank you for watching the kids while Christen and I went out the other week.  It was so nice to be able to have some time away from the office for once, especially since I’m still pretty new in town and don’t know where to go.  Now I at least know one place in town that makes a decent martini!” she bumped Christen’s hip with her before she took a sip of her drink.

 

So this was the woman Christen went out on her date with.  She didn’t know what to feel at the moment, but a mixture of anger and grief made their way to the front.  Her legs were threatening to give out even though she was willing them to stay upright, not giving away her current state of emotional distress.  “Yeah, well, I’ll take any time with them I can get,” she managed to choke out. Her heart was beating rapidly out of her chest and she wouldn’t have been surprised if they could both see it.

 

Before Lana could continue, Christen shifted to stand closer to her, placing her arm gently on the small of her back for support.  Tobin would normally like the way it felt but right now it was unwanted.  She didn’t want Christen’s pity, nor did she want any more false sense of hope between them. Wasn’t it only moments ago that things were going well,  _ really _ well? She also didn’t want to create a scene or reject her wife so she held her stance for just a few seconds more.

 

“Christen has just been so wonderful to me.  I can see why you married her,” Lana winked conspicuously. 

 

Tobin didn’t know whether to thank or punch the woman.  Instead, she excused herself.  “Well it was nice to meet you Lana, if you’ll excuse me I’m going to find the restroom and grab another drink.”  She spun gracefully out of their little circle and her eyes darted around for the nearest exit.  Christen called once after her, but she ignored it.  There was no way she was sticking around to hear or see anything else that would send her into a downward spiral, especially since she was on such a high.  She wanted Christen and was beginning to  feel that the thought mutual, now all of that was threatening to shatter.   _ And this woman knew they were married!  How could anyone ever be okay with getting in the middle of something like this, _ she thought.  

 

Her feet pounded the pavement and she inhaled the fresh air deeply as soon as she was out in the dark night.  Some space to breathe and think, she kept telling herself.  She just needed some distance to cool down and get away from an impending trouble. It wasn’t hard to flag a cab nearby and she prayed she had enough cash on her to get her home. 

 

Home. Home was wherever her kids were. Their home, where she was supposed to be and Christen said they needed to talk about. 

 

Her phone was beeping and buzzing in the pocket of her pants and she knew it was Christen wondering where she went.  It might have been irresponsible to leave her for the second time in a few months but she had her car and it wasn’t like she would be lonely at the party.  After all, it was her event to run.  She didn’t want to risk blowing up or doing anything that would put the career her wife worked so hard for in jeopardy.  Lana seemed to be happy to see Christen so she could keep her company after all, she passively aggressively told herself.

 

And with it all, she wanted to be mad.  She wanted to hate Christen for going out with someone else, for creating this distance between them.  She wanted to hate Lana for looking at her wife in a way she didn’t approve of.  She even wanted to hate Anna for giving Christen a reason to think she’d ever want anyone but her.

 

But she couldn’t.  All she could feel was a wave of sadness and emptiness creeping in.

 

She made it home in record time, a slight coat of sweat making her shirt stick to her back when she opened the door to the cab, then to the house to see her mother in law sitting on the sofa in the family room, quietly watching television.  It was hard to ignore the surprised look on the woman’s face, as well as the searching she was doing behind her.  “Hi Tobin, back already?  Where’s Christen?”  

 

Tobin cleared her throat shook her head.  “She stayed.  I’m just gonna go up and see the kids.  Did they go down okay?”  Stacy still appeared confused but nodded.  “Yeah, angels as usual. Are you okay?”    She didn’t really give an answer but instead walked up the steps and first into Sam’s room on the left.  Her baby boy was sprawled out on his back, arms outstretched and his sheets tangled in his legs.  She laughed at him and gently pulled the covers over his little body to make sure he was warm enough through the night.  She didn’t risk kissing him since he was a light sleeper and opted to whisper, “love you buddy,” instead.

 

Across the hall in Emerson’s room, the little girl’s eyes popped open the moment she took a step inside.  She wordlessly watched Tobin, blinking her big brown eyes as she  came closer until they were at the same level.  A sweet voice said, “Mama did you have a fun night?” 

 

Tobin hated to lie to her daughter no matter what the circumstances were.  It just didn’t seem fair for her to say anything negative about their situation and especially if it involved Christen.  She ran her fingers through the wavy damp locks that were a lot like her own before nodding.  “Sure.  But it’s more fun being with you and your brother.”  

 

The girl seemed happy enough with her answer and let her continue stroking her hair for a bit.  “Can you rub my back and sleep with me Mama?”  It wasn’t a request Tobin was expecting, but one she definitely was going to fulfill.  “Of course.”  She pulled back the sheets and hopped in the girl’s small bed behind her, trying to soothe her into sleep with circular patterns underneath her warm pajamas.  

 

“You miss me Mama?” the little voice cut through the silence after a couple of minutes, her body faced the opposite way.  Tobin’s heart ached, knowing she wasn’t just talking about tonight while she was gone, but about all the other times they had to be apart.  Even though she was in the house Monday through Friday, Emerson had school and most of their time was spent prepping for mundane tasks like eating, washing and bedtime.

 

“Every day,” she honestly answered, her voice a little strangled from holding tears at bay.  “I miss you, too Mama.”  She couldn’t bear to say anything after that, too afraid that she’d scare Emerson with the sound of sobs that were on the verge of coming out.  Breathing in and out deeply, she noticed the little girl was relaxing under touch and drifting back to sleep.  It wasn’t much later when she heard shuffling downstairs with hushed tones, meaning Christen had probably made it home and was sending her mother on her way.  

 

She knew she was right when she saw a figure appear in the dim hallway light underneath the frame of the bedroom door. “Hey,” Christen whispered into the mostly dark room.  Tobin looked over the rising and falling chest of their daughter, “hey.”

 

They stayed still for a little longer, locking eyes but not daring to say anything else.  It wasn’t the right time for Tobin to apologize or Christen to ask why she ran out, even though they both knew why.  “You wanna stay here tonight?” Christen asked instead.  Tobin shook her head affirmatively.  “Yeah, is that okay?  I just want to be here when she wakes up.”  

 

Christen took slow steps into the room and hunched over the side of the bed to smooth the hair out of Emerson’s face as she slept.  “Yeah, I think she’d like that.”  She bent down and placed the lightest of kisses to the girl’s forehead, careful not to disturb her.  She looked directly into Tobin’s eyes and then gingerly placed her hand on Tobin’s head of hair, mirroring what she did just a moment ago to their daughter.

 

Tobin wanted to reach out and touch her too, but if she moved an inch she’d wake the sleeping girl.  Instead, she melted under the silkiness of Christen’s palm brushing her cheeks.  Her eyes were closed when Christen pressed a kiss to her forehead and whispered, “I think I’d like that, too.”  

 

...

 

A pair of little feet were kicking against hers and she felt a hand swat at her stomach.  Slowly letting her eyes adjust to the morning light, she saw Sam bouncing on top of her, bright eyed and ready for the morning to begin.  His little thumb was wrapped up in his smile, sucking away and he clearly was excited she was there.  Gone was her daughter from the spot she’d slept in last night, which meant she was awake and causing havoc already.  Tobin couldn’t remember the last time she’d slept that well.  Maybe it was the perfect scent from Emerson or the comfort of being upstairs finally.  Or maybe it was the sweet gesture Christen right before she fell asleep.

 

Christen.

 

That woman was one of, if not the first thought on her brain the second she woke up in the mornings.  This morning was no different even though she could honestly say it was one of the best night sleeps she had in quite a while.  It have been the comfort of having her kid next to her and knowing Sam wasn’t far away, but she thought it was probably just the closeness of Christen.  She swiped the boy into her arms and stood up, almost losing her balance in the meantime.  “Is Mommy downstairs?”  

 

“She make me breakfast!”  Sam squirmed against her side, causing her just a little pain in her ribs.  “Okay, let’s go get it then.”  They walked down the steps to the open floor plan where she could see and hear her two best girls giggling at something by the refrigerator.  “Mama!” Emerson yelled as soon as she realized she was being watched.  Christen looked in her direction with a big smile too, even though it seemed like it was a little shy.

 

“Morning ladies, I found this handsome guy in your bed, Emme.”  The pair of little besties giggled as Tobin let him down at the bottom of the stairs  to run to his sister who was going to help him sit in his chair.

 

“Let’s hope that’s the only guy we ever find in her bed,” Christen whispered conspicuously as she approached Tobin, holding out a steaming coffee mug.  Tobin took the mug and raised it along with her eyebrows, not wanting to even think of their daughter as anything older than the adorable five year old she currently was.  She took a drink and her eyes instantly fell back shut, savoring the incredible flavors on her tongue.  “This is really good, thanks.”  

 

Christen pointed to the stack of pancakes on the counter, “want a few of those to go with it?  I put chocolate chips in a few and I have some really fresh bananas.  Or I can make you a bagel sandwich.”  The offer was really sweet, especially since it had been a long while since Christen had offered to make her anything.  She knew it wasn’t because she didn’t care, it was just that she usually only cooked on the weekends and Tobin wasn’t there for it.

 

As good as it sounded and as much as she wanted to stay with her family on this gorgeous Sunday morning, she for once had plans with her “roomie”.  “I actually should get going, I promised Kelley we’d have lunch and hit the beach for a few hours.”  

 

She didn’t miss the look of disappointment on Christen’s face when she turned her down.  “Oh, that sounds like fun.  Okay, well at least let me get you a to-go cup for your coffee.”  She took the warm mug out of her hands turned away to find the cabinet that had their disposable coffee cups.  

 

“Emme, you snored all night!” she joked as she approached the table to see both kids munching happily on their pre-pancake bowl of cantaloupe.  The girl rolled her eyes, knowing it had to be a joke.  “You took up my bed, Mama! Your toes can’t fit!”  She snagged a piece of the girl’s fruit and popped in her mouth after making a funny face.  

 

“Shoot!” she heard Christen say, only to look up to see her staring right at her.   “What’s up?” she asked, looking her up and down to see if there was spilled coffee or any type of bleeding.  

 

“You don’t have your car.  I picked you up last night, remember?”  Tobin had completely forgotten after the events of the last few hours that she had taken a cab back to the house. “You’re right, I should have realized that.”

 

Christen set the coffee mug down and started waving her hands frantically at the kids like a crossing guard.  “Okay, breakfast is on hold for now.  Let’s get our shoes on so we can take Mama back to Aunt Kelley’s house.  I’ll warm the pancakes up when we get back, they should be okay.  Emme, get Mommy’s shoes while I kind my keys.”  

 

Tobin chuckled at the mixture of confusion and disappointment on her children’s faces.  “No, it’s okay guys.  Chris, I’ll just have Kelley come pick me up or I’ll get an Uber.  Don’t interrupt your morning for me.” She also didn’t want to tell Christen that she kinda of looked ridiculous, but in an adorable way, with her curly hair piled high on her head and two sizes too big t-shirt hanging from her body.  If she knew her wife, she would know that the chance of being seen in public like that would stop her in her tracks.

 

“No, no,” Christen insisted.  “We don’t really have anything planned for today so it’s okay. We don’t mind at all, do we guys?”  Emerson sat up a little straighter in her chair, clearly trying to put on her best act because she knew what her mother wanted her to say.  “No, Mommy we don’t mind.”  Christen rewarded her with a wink and motioned again for her to get up before she picked up a still confused Sam out of his booster seat.  

 

The foursome piled in Christen’s car ten minutes later after searching for a few pairs of pants, keys and shoes, heading towards the beach.  Tobin hated that it was such a short ride to Kelley’s for once because all she wanted to do was be with her family.  At every stoplight or stop sign, she had to fight the urge to tell Christen to turn around and forget her plans; she was going to stay with them for the day if she was still welcomed.

 

As they pulled up to the beachside condo, Tobin hesitated while the doors unlocked.  She turned around to look at Sam who was completely engrossed in the iPad that Christen had given him to watch a show.  “Bye buddy, Mama will see you tomorrow, okay?”  She wasn’t surprised she was completely ignored, so she moved on to Emerson.  “And you, try not to snore so loud tonight, got it?  You’ll wake Mommy up if you get any louder!”  The five year old let out a fit of giggles, knowing it was a complete joke.  

 

The last thing she did was look next to her at Christen, who was giving her a small smile.  “Have fun with Kel today, tell her we say hi and we miss her.”  Tobin nodded, knowing it was sincere since they hadn’t all been together since the separation.  “I will, I know she misses you guys too.”  She hesitated again with one hand on the door handle, the other aching to reach out and cup Christen’s cheek. Circling through her mind was ‘just kiss her’, ‘just kiss her’ as they looked at each other in an adoring way, connecting.  Just as she was about to take the leap and lean forward, Christen broke eye contact and looked down at the lit up phone in her lap.  Tobin lost all momentum and regretfully pushed the door open, making her exit.  “Bye guys, love you.”

 

The door slammed before she could hear Christen say, “we love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One step forward, two steps back....


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here we go...

**Christen’s POV**

 

“Are you okay, Mommy?”  Emerson asked in a quiet voice after a few minutes from pulling away from Kelley’s condo.  The little one was always so in tune with other’s feelings and Christen knew she could sense her sadness even though the girl couldn’t see her face.  She really thought that she and Tobin were making progress, and despite Tobin running out of the event last night, she was trying to stay encouraged.  It had felt so familiar and just so  _ right _ the past week, especially when Tobin had kissed her.  It wasn’t anything she was expecting and to feel the flutter in her heart when Tobin’s lips took control of her was unforgettable.  

 

She knew she couldn’t really blame Tobin for leaving the event last night.  The moment she saw Lana and her talking from across the room, she felt a pit in her stomach and bailed on her conversation immediately, mid-sentence. Maybe Lana hadn’t meant any harm by coming up to the table but her heart sunk when Tobin put the pieces together and the hurt in her eyes was unmistakable.  Christen knew the feeling all too well after watching Anna make her move in the driveway last weekend, jealousy she’d never experienced bubbling to the surface. Every bone in her body was filled with regret for making the choice to go out that Friday night.

 

But still, she really couldn’t tell exactly what was running through Tobin’s mind at that moment and the ones after.  Their communication was way off over the past three months, hence why they were still living apart. Christen reasoned that if she really did know, they would be together and she’d tried to make the first move and tell her everything she was feeling.

  
  


“Yeah, I’m okay peanut.”  She tried her best to hide the disappointment of Tobin leaving from her voice, pretending to pay extra attention to the traffic and driving.  

 

Her daughter wasn’t going to let it slide, she knew it wasn’t the truth.  “You didn’t want Mama to go?”  Christen finally looked in her rearview mirror, weighing her options of having this conversation.  Honesty was the best policy but she was still so young and the mess she’d created shouldn’t be her worry.  She was very much aware that things weren’t quite right between them and decided right then and there it was time they have a dialogue about it. She looked over at Sam who was paying zero attention and probably hadn’t even noticed that Tobin was gone.  “We’ll be home in a few minutes, how about you and me talk when we get there, okay?”  

 

It was good enough for Emerson at the moment, but the second Christen kicked her flip flops off in the mudroom, she was yanking on her hand.  “Come on Mommy,” she led her to the family room, hopping up on the couch.   _ This bossy side _ , Christen thought, definitely was something she inherited from her.

 

“Okay peanut, let’s talk.” She settled slowly into the couch with her elbow resting on the back of it, hand to her head.  She looked carefully at her daughter who was very serious and seemed to be composing herself to talk.  The little girl looked up at her expectantly, “you miss Mama, don’t you?”  It was like she was stating a fact; something that was obvious to everyone.  

 

It made Christen laugh even though all she wanted to do was cry a little.  She decided honesty was the route she was going to take and admitted aloud, “yeah, I do.  I miss her a lot.”  She twirled the ends of the little girl’s hair with her free hand. 

 

“Well she misses you too,” Emerson said confidently, again like it was so simple.  She tried to proceed carefully, wanting to know what made her come to that conclusion.  “You think she does?”  

 

Emerson shrugged her little shoulders underneath her baggy pajamas she was still in.  “Yeah, she told me she does.  Plus when you come home from she gets excited and she tries to make you happy and she pays more attention to you than me and Sam.”  Christen was shocked by the revelation, a little concerned that she her daughter thought Tobin didn’t give her attention. She was also trying to replay their interactions in her mind, guiltily realizing even the awkward tension was noticeable.

 

“Peanut, Mama loves being with you.  It’s just a little hard for her to pay attention to you every second.  It doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about you.”  

 

“I know,” Emerson said.  “She pays attention to you ‘cause she likes you.  She watches you and then Sam and I get to sneak gummies out of the drawer or play longer ‘cause she thinks your gror-gus.”  

 

Christen snickered at the blunder, understanding exactly what she meant to say.  Never had she intended for it to go on this long to the point that her five year old would have to intervene, but somewhere along the way it seemed like Tobin was comfortable with the arrangement and she was so busy at work that she tried not to allow herself to think of anything alternative.  It was almost too painful to think of losing Tobin and her family any more than she already had.  

 

“Well I think Mama is gorgeous, too.  And that means I think you’re gorgeous since you look just like her.  You’re a lucky little lady.”  Emerson’s eyes fixated on something else as she nodded along.  “I think you should tell her that.  It would make her happy and Mama’s  _ really _ funny when she’s happy.”  Emerson stretched the word really out, using her hands for emphasis.  Christen couldn’t agree with her sentiment more, making Tobin laugh and seeing her smile was the ultimate for her and it was something she missed daily.

 

“You’re a sweet girl, you know that?” Christen kissed the top of her head, lingering to speak into her soft hair. As insightful as her daughter was, she wanted to steer the conversation a bit.  Unloading the emotional baggage on a five year old probably wasn’t smart.   “And we both love you so much.  You made our dreams come true.”  Emerson pulled away with the biggest smile on her face when she looked up into Christen’s eyes with a sparkle in her own and said, “let’s get Mama back.”

 

Christen exhaled and wrapped her up in her arms and hugged her tightly.  “Let’s do it.”

 

….

 

Tobin didn’t realize how much spending the day in the sun with Kelley yesterday would tire her out.  They’d had lunch and a few beers outside in Venice Beach before taking in some volleyball games.  Kelley tried to persuade her to met up with a group of friends later in the day for happy hour and then dinner, but she declined. 

 

Still, she found herself struggling to do the easiest of tasks Monday morning after the girls had left and she walked through the grocery store aimlessly with Sam chattering  in the front.  She kept forgetting things, having to loop back around.  Finally, she gave up and reasoned she’d just run back out tomorrow if there was anything important missing.  It might have also had to do something with the way Christen came back in the house like she forgot something and kissed her cheek quickly, leaving her baffled on cloud nine.

 

Now Sam was up in his room, probably not even sleeping but as long as she was getting some time just to veg out, she didn’t care what he did.  It took a hand running over her back to both wake her and scared her half to death.  Her immediate thought was “someone is in the house, I have to get Sam.”  Her brown orbs shot open to see a sea of green staring back at her on level.  Beside them was a pair of brown eyes that had little flecks of gold and were much smaller.  

 

“See, I told you Mama’s not dead.  She’s just napping,” Christen insisted.  

 

Tobin sat up quickly, pushing the blanket off of her lap.  “What time is it, did I fall asleep and forget to pick Emme up from the bus stop? Where’s Sam?” Her brain was racing but her body was having a hard time reacting to those thoughts.

 

Christen put her hand on her thigh to push herself up from her perched position.  “No, Tobs.  It’s only 1:30.  I picked Emerson up from school after lunch.  I can see Sam on the monitor, he’s passed out on the floor of his room.”  Tobin wracked her brain in between thanking God that everyone was safe and chiding herself for being so irresponsible to remember if there were any doctor or dentist appointments on the calendar or it was supposed to be a half day from school.  “Wait, why?”

 

The two girls looked at each other like they were in cahoots before Christen said in her best soothing voice, “Emerson said something this morning about not feeling well on the way to school so I thought maybe she just needed a little time off.  It’s just kindergarten, right?”  

 

Tobin didn’t mind if Emerson stayed home, but she would have at least felt better if the girl had told her she was sick.  After all, that’s what she was home for, to put out any fires and make sure the kids were cared for during the day.

 

“Is your stomach, Emme?  Does your head hurt?”  Tobin ran her hands over her forehead and down her arms, inspecting her closely. The little girl shook her no head confidently before changing the subject.  It was almost amazing how quickly her smile could light up the room.  “Can we go to the park then out to dinner, Mama?  I wanna go to Rosie’s diner!”  Tobin lifted her eyebrow at the small girl, then her wife.  She may be oblivious to a lot, but a fool she wasn’t.  “Not feeling well, huh?”

 

Christen ignored her questioning gaze and turned to their daughter.  “Why don’t you go change into some of your play clothes and if you want to put anything in your yellow backpack go ahead and do that now.  I’ll wake Sam up and get him ready to go.”  Emerson ran off as quickly as she had appeared, leaving Tobin to wonder what was going on.  Christen was home in the middle of a workday, Emerson wasn’t really sick, and she was seemingly on the outs.

 

“Okay so, I’ll take them to the park and then are you meeting us for dinner or….” she tried doing the math in her head of how far Rosie’s was from Christen’s office and whether or not the kids would make it that long without eating to when she was finished with work.

 

“Oh,” Christen gave her a knowing smile, “I’m not going back to work today.  I was going to go to the park and dinner.”  Tobin was excited to hear the answer, but wanted to make sure she was reading the scenario correctly.  “Did you want us all to go or did you want to take them yourself?”  

 

Christen offered her hand to help Tobin to her feet.  “I thought we all could go.  It would be nice to spend some time all together outside of the house.”  Taking the tiny offering, she savored the way their hands felt together.  It had only been two days since the last time they’d touched like that but like a puzzle piece, fitting just right against each other, it was all perfectly placed.  “Ok, that uh, that’s good,” she commented, trying to reign in the tingles she felt throughout her body. 

 

What seemed like an endless afternoon at the park resulted in a late dinner at Rosie’s diner, having worked up an appetite in all of them.  Tobin sat next to Emerson on one side of the booth, coloring on the paper placemats while Christen went through the menu with their two year old, trying to find something that would please him.  She took a moment while Christen was distracted to study her closely underneath her long eyelashes, noticing how happy she looked today.  There was a little bit of a glisten from the sweat she had worked up chasing after Sam, and baby hairs stood up around her forehead from the heat.  But her skin glowed and in the past few days she’d noticed a total shift in her demeanor.  It seemed like Christen was more relaxed and almost like every feeling that had clouded them was gone.  Tobin didn’t know what caused the change in Christen, but whatever it was, she didn’t want to question it. 

 

Christen caught her staring out of the corner of her eye and lifted her a head a bit to make eye contact.  She bit her bottom lip with her teeth as she smiled, causing Tobin to return the smile before bashfully going back to coloring in her design.  Throughout their day  they had had a couple more moments like that, making her feel like they were back in the beginning stages of their relationship, playing cat and mouse and shamelessly flirting.

 

On their way home in the car, she also couldn’t help but think how nice it was to be driving Christen’s car again, stealing glances at her wife who was singing along to the radio while looking out the window idly and occasionally checking on the rest of her bunch in the rearview mirror.  It all felt so domestic again; back to normal after the few torturous months.  When she pulled into the driveway, she realized they had a dilemma.  

 

“They’re both asleep,” she said lowly to Christen who also knew this was going to be tricky.  Christen gave them the once over, trying to come up with a plan in her head.  “They really should get a bath before getting into bed but I hate to wake them.  It might be bad for everyone.”  

 

Tobin couldn’t agree more, knowing that waking Emerson would be half the battle and then getting her to go back down would a struggle.  “Why don’t we just get her up a little earlier before school tomorrow and give her one then.  I’ll grab her since she’s heavier if you can get him.” 

 

Christen flexed her muscles jokingly, “hey I can handle her, I’m pretty strong you know.”   It made her laugh silently, trying not to wake the kids.  “With those matchsticks?  I don’t think so, Chris.”  The banter felt good, even if it was over something so simple.  Christen told her, “I’ll prove it,” then carefully opened her door and the backdoor, gently rustling the little girl into her arms.  Once she had her settled, she stuck her tongue between her teeth at Tobin to tease her.  “I’ll see you up there.”

 

She shook her head and started to do the same with Sam who was probably much easier to handle than Emerson.  Going carefully inside and removing his little shoes stirred him a bit, so she paused before finishing and taking one step at a time upstairs.  

 

She passed Emerson’s door where she could see Christen moving through the crack, probably making sure the night light was on and she was comfy in the bed.  Once she got into the room she was headed for, she laid the boy down into the mattress and covered him enough.  His little eyelids fluttered again, so she took a few steps back to sit in the soft, oversized chair by his bed, waiting to make sure he wouldn’t wake and be confused by his new surroundings.  

 

Christen came in a few moments later, first looking him once over and smiling to herself.  Then she stopped at Tobin, coming to sit on the arm of the chair right next to her.  “He’ll sleep well; he had a busy afternoon and a short nap.  On the floor might I add,” she said with her eyebrows up at Tobin, but in more of a teasing way.   It kind of made her feel bad, remembering how she had let herself drift off earlier without making sure he was asleep himself.

 

“I swear that’s never happened before, Chris.  I watch him like a hawk and make sure he can’t get out of bed before I do anything else.  I guess I was just really tired today.  It won’t happen again,” she rambled in a whisper.  Christen wasn’t hearing any of it, waving her off to stop.  “It’s okay, I completely understand.  It’s nothing I haven’t done myself before.”  

 

She couldn’t think back to a single time where that was true, but it did make her feel better.  “You’re wonderful with them,” Christen whispered, brushing up against Tobin’s side as she squeezed in next to her in the chair in Sam’s room.  “It’s so obvious how much you love them by how happy they are.  They’re so lucky to have you.   _ We _ are lucky to have you.”

 

Tobin’s heart rate picked up at the feeling of having Christen’s skin on hers so close, feeling the warmth that radiated from her and and her whispers dancing around them.

 

She looked over to meet Christen’s gaze and genuinely returned the compliment, “You’re an amazing mom, Chris.  We have some really great kids.”  Christen’s eyes softened a little when she spoke, ultimately never breaking the stare.  Tobin wasn’t sure how it happened or who leaned in first, but the moment she felt Christen’s mouth on hers it was like the gates of Heaven had opened and she was floating on a cloud.  She felt her wife’s hand cup either side of her head at the slightly awkward angle and the feeling of her cold wedding ring against her cheek brought out so much pent up emotion.

 

It was different than the kiss they’d shared on Saturday night, this time their lips and tongues dueled in a sweet way, re-exploring the surfaces they’d missed so much.  The taste of Christen’s mouth was nothing but honey, a flavor that brought nostalgia to her mind.  She pulled back, trying to catch her breath and let her body adjust to this overwhelming feeling.  Christen leaned in against her forehead and whispered, “we’ll wake him.”  

 

Tobin nodded and took a silent, deep breath.  She felt a little sad that it was all over as soon as it began and  stood up, offering her hand to help Christen stand up too.  But Christen didn’t let go once she was on her feet.  Instead, she linked their fingers together and led them out of the room silently, leaving Tobin to shut the door with her free hand.  In the hallway they stood facing each other in the dark with only a glimmer of moonlight shining in from the big window on them, Tobin completely humbled by the beautiful look of her wife in this light.   It took for Christen leaning back in, now pulling both of their hands together and walking them backwards for her to come down to Earth.  Alarm bells were going off in her head and she wanted to ignore them.  If this was going where she thought, and quite honestly hoped, there would be so many consequences.  But she pushed out every single thought.   She never wanted Christen so badly.

 

It was quiet and different, but just as good as it had always been.

 

They’d been with each other thousands of times, knowing the curves of each other and memorizing what made them feel best.  Tobin knew exactly how Christen liked to be touched; the speed, the timing, the buildup.   Christen knew how Tobin loved when she took control right away and what made her ask for more.

 

But tonight was different.  There was a new sense of caution that made them extremely delicate with each other.  Christen took her time undressing Tobin in the dim light, running her fingertips over every inch of her soft skin as she went along.   Tobin placed light, feathery kisses along Christen’s jaw because she was just so weak for the girl to do anything harder, her hands pulling on her hips to bring them as close together as possible.  

 

Her heart was beating faster than she thought was humanly possible, but aching at the same time.  She was just so in love with the woman in front of her and having her this close, yet still so far away just hurt.  The distraction of Christen’s fingers tracing up and down her ribcage, dangerously close to the swells of her breast that were already so responsive to her touch, helped.

They fell back into the bed together, wrapped up with their arms and mouths entangled.  Their first kisses were slow and deep, neither one wanting to come up for air, too afraid to separate.  Tobin had missed this so much; missed the way the person she loved the most felt and looked while being touched herself.

 

Before she knew it, Christen had her on her back, her hair brushing and tickling over her bare chest as her mouth nipped and pulled at the sensitive skin.  She let out a ghost of a whimper as she felt her nipple being tugged roughly between Christen’s teeth.

 

“Is this too much?” Christen whispered, locking eyes with her.  They were dark and hungry, but Tobin could still see the glimmer of something more in them; this wasn’t just sex for her.  

 

“No,” Tobin reassured her, “Please Christen, don’t stop.  Don’t stop.”   And she wasn’t just talking about the way she was being kissed and touched, she was talking about the way Christen was showing her love and affection, the way they seemed to be finally communicating.  Christen seemed to know exactly what she meant since she came back up towards Tobin’s mouth, dodging it at the last moment and opting to kiss her neck close to her ear instead.  “I won’t, I won’t,” she whispered over and over. 

 

The feeling of her warm breaths and tongue working against her pulse point was slowly driving her crazy to the point where she almost can’t stand it anymore, so she took her hands that were struggling not to grab Christen’s perfect ass and turn this moment into something something almost primal and instead used  them to tangle her fingers in Christen’s hair and cusp the sides of her head.  At that, Christen leans up a little, searching for a deeper meaning behind the gesture.

 

“More, Christen, more,” she finally gets out, her voice mostly breathy. 

 

Christen shimmied her way down Tobin’s long body, her mouth pausing briefly to rake over the patch of skin just above her underwear, the only clothing still on her body.  She used her hands to spread Tobin’s legs a little further apart, pulling one up and running her fingers up and down her inner thigh.  They made brief eye contact before she silently asked for permission, her other hand playing with the waistband of her cotton underwear.

 

Tobin bit her lip and threw her head back, whining in response and praying to the powers above to keep her strong through this; to make it last, make  _ her _ last.  The cool breeze of the night air prickled her skin, but the sensation of Christen’s tongue slowly sliding up her slit warmed her all over.

 

The skin on her face and throat was hot, but Christen’s fingertips were cold on her legs as she swirled around all of the places that were begging to be touched.  It took only a minute or so before Tobin could feel her body respond, her legs shaking at the mercy of Christen’s tongue.  As if the feeling weren’t enough, the sight of wild curls between her legs and piercing green eyes watching her unraveled her further.  Tobin was certain everything she had was now safely in Christen’s mouth, even dripping from her lips as she lapped up her orgasm.

 

Tobin didn’t want to wait; didn’t want Christen to be the only one who got to touch.  She had barely come down and regulated her breathing before flipping their positions and straddling her hips that not-so-subtly raised to meet her own.   Christen tried, and failed, to meet her halfway.  Tobin gently ran her hands over her the perfect body, pushing it back down into the mattress to tell her that no, she this was her show.

 

She couldn’t get over how incredibly sexy her wife looked as she easily took two, then three fingers deep.  Her curls were sloppily sprayed over the pillow, but her face was nothing short of perfection.  She was completely blissed out with her eyelids closed and this small smile playing at the corner of her plush, pink lips.  They were still shiny from Tobin’s arousal and she couldn’t help but lean forward to lick off the remnants.  

 

This only spurred Christen on further, opening her mouth to let Tobin’s tongue slip in.  Between them, soft moans were exchanged that only were audible to their ears; like a secret between them.  Somewhere in there, she felt Christen’s legs underneath her start to tremble and her fingers kept up their pace to work through her orgasm while her hips grinded into them.  Christen’s back arched up, meeting both her hand and her hips, intensely carrying her over the edge.  

 

They never let their mouths detach, even after Christen had come down back to Earth.  Small whimpers signaled she might need a moment to breath, so Tobin pulled back and gently removed her hand from between her legs.  She laid a small kiss on her temple, where a thin layer of sweat had collected.  “Chris?”  she whispered against the side of her head, preparing for any fallout that might follow.

 

Christen couldn’t open her eyes just yet, but made a request.  “Kiss me, Tobin.”

 

This, she wouldn’t ever deny.  As if she felt her before she saw her, Christen parted her lips just a little bit to let Tobin in.  It was delicate and slow, Tobin too afraid to break the trance that Christen seemed to be in.  She was hoping, praying that they’d fall asleep in seconds so she wouldn’t snap of out her current state and tell her what a mistake it all was.  Even if she had to walk a fine line to be with Christen, it was worth it.  She’d do whatever, whenever, that was wanted of her.

 

To get some breathing room, Tobin rolled off of Christen and turned to face her instead on her side.  She pulled up the sheets just a little to cover her naked body, but Christen didn’t seem to mind.  She turned her head only in Tobin’s direction to smile. It disappeared quickly.

 

“You’re crying.”

 

Tobin froze. Was she crying?  She didn’t realize it if she was.  

 

Christen reached out and used her thumb to swipe at the small tears just underneath her eyes.  “Please don’t cry, Tobin. Please,” she softly pleaded.  Tobin leaned into her touch and did her best to reassure her.  “I just...I….” she sighed.

 

“Shh, it’s okay. Just sleep, Tobin.  It’s been a long day,” Christen soothed.

 

Tobin fell asleep only seconds later, underneath the guise of hypnotizing love.  


	8. Chapter 8

Tobin was usually a sound sleeper, so much that it took more than a couple seconds of a shrill alarm or nudge from someone next to her to wake up.  This morning though, it was like she slowly came out of peaceful sleep, the smell of fresh brewed coffee under her nose.  She took a moment to check in with the rest of her senses, feeling the soft sheets underneath her naked body, tasting sweetnesss on her tongue, hearing feet padding across the plush carpet.  Then she finally opened her eyes, remembering with her eyes where she was.  Her bedroom.  _ Their _ bedroom.

 

Slowly  adjusting to the morning light streaming through their window, she saw Christen tiptoeing back into their bathroom, smoothing her hair out in the mirror.  She had only a pair of pale pink skinny jeans and a casual gray t-shirt on, something she would never usually wear to work on a Tuesday morning.  Tobin appreciated the look though, sleepily taking a mental picture to store for a later time of the way the jeans fit her curves perfectly.  Glancing at the alarm clock on the nightstand, Tobin realized how early it was, nearly a hour before she would usually be up and getting their morning started.  

  
  


“Hey, you’re awake.” Christen greeted her quietly from the doorway of the bathroom, seeing that her eyes were open.  Tobin wasn’t sure if they would be one the same page this morning after had happened last night and knew they had to have a follow up conversation, many follow up conversations.  It wouldn’t be healthy otherwise. She refrained from stretching out and making herself too comfortable and tried to get a read on her wife.

 

“Hey, good morning.  It’s a little early isn’t it?  Should I sneak downstairs before the kids see me?”  No matter what was happening between them, she didn’t want the kids to get any false hope or question why she was back upstairs.  It wasn’t exactly her first thought in all of this, but still an important one.

 

Christen pushed herself off of the doorframe and smiled big while clasping her watch on her wrist.  “No, you stay in bed.  They’re already up and in Emerson’s room.  I’m going to take them to my mom’s this morning and she’ll watch them and get her to school.”

 

With those words, it was like a bad flashback, remembering the last time she heard they were all going there without her knowledge.  Immediately, she thought the worst and figured Christen was upset about what had happened between them the night before, attempting to put some distance between them all again.  Sitting upright she begged, “Please, Chris.  Don’t do that, I can go get them ready right now.  I’ll leave right after if you don’t want me here, I swear.”  

 

Seeing the confusion spread across Christen’s face, she heard, “I don’t want you to leave.  I just thought it’d be nice for you to sleep in a little and enjoy the morning in bed.”  Tobin’s entire body relaxed just a little at this, seeing how genuine Christen was but was still concerned.  “Oh, are you sure?  Because I’m up now and don’t mind doing the whole morning routine,” she was still unsure about letting them go. 

 

Christen tentatively walked closer to her and shook her head.  “No, you stay here.  I’ll just have them come in before we leave to say goodbye if that’s okay?  Why don’t you watch some bad TV, read a book or go back to bed?  Just enjoy the morning.”  

 

Tobin studied her, a slow and adoring smile filling her face once she processed what Christen had done for her.  She watched Christen grab a pair of sandals from their closet and double check her appearance in the mirror.  “You look great,” she assured her across the room, earning a shy, closed mouth smile in return. It didn’t seem like she was bothered by Tobin’s presence, but she still wasn’t quite sure what this all meant for them. 

 

“Thanks.  Okay, I’m going to take them now.  Want me to have them come in to see you?”  Of course Tobin wanted to kiss them good morning and see them off, but she rubbed her hand over the sheet covering her.  “I, uh, don’t have any clothes on,” she blushed, craning her neck to see where exactly they were on the floor.

 

Christen shook her head and looked at the carpet, somewhat embarrassed as she laughed.  “I think we’ll just tell them you’re still sleeping.”   She turned the knob to their door, opening it only slightly to slip through.  Before she left completely, she turned back around.

 

“Will you meet me for lunch today at my office?  Like at noon?”  Christen’s face betrayed her vulnerability as she asked, and Tobin couldn’t understand why; there was no better invitation than that. They were going to have sort through this hurdle they created and this might be the perfect time to talk.  “Yeah, I’ll be there for sure,” she bashfully replied.  

 

“Great,” Christen smiled.  She took a step and then turned back around, looking intently at Tobin like she had something important to say before turning once again and shutting the door.  

 

Tobin snuggled further into the bed she hadn’t been welcomed in for months, listening closely to little feet trudge down the steps.

 

_ “But why are we going to Gram’s house before school, Mommy?  Why can’t Mama take me today?” _

 

_ “Mama is a little tired, peanut.  I think she deserves a day to sleep in.” _

 

_ “Can I see her when I get home?  Will she be here?” _

 

_ “I hope so, peanut.” _

 

Her heart soared at hearing the two girls she loved most talking fondly about her.  It definitely helped to hear Christen say she hoped she’d be here again in the afternoon, and every sign pointed to a total reconciliation.  Still, she was guarded more than she probably even realized and had to stay as grounded as possible.  

 

….

 

Tobin looked for her keys high and low but couldn’t find them in the kitchen.  She’d taken so long underneath the steam in the shower this morning and actually took the time to dry and loosely curl her hair that she was now running late.  What she wouldn’t blame her tardiness on was how long she traced her fingers over the frames on their dresser of Emerson’s first sonogram, their wedding picture and the first picture of them as a family of four.  All of these little things she forgot existed were breathing life back into her again.

 

She felt good about the way she looked and if they were going to have a serious talk this afternoon, she wanted  Christen to be looking at something nice and have a harder time saying negative things.  When she finally found the keys after almost giving up, they were suspiciously in Sam’s shoe, which left her wondering how they got there.  

 

She whipped her SUV in and out of traffic in their little beachside town, not wanting to keep Christen waiting too long.   Deep breathing worked for the last few minutes of the commute to help collect herself, but her nerves took over when she parked.  Her head was pressed against the cool steering wheel while she gave herself pep talk, ‘ _ whatever she has to say will all end up okay.  We will be okay.  The kids will be okay.  We’re a family and we love each other no matter what.’   _

 

Stepping out of the car, she could see a second receptionist she knew somewhat well from other times she’d been there and who Christen spoke highly of.  “Hey Claire, I’m here for Christen.  Is she still back there?”  Tobin suspected she was because Christen’s car was parked right out front, only two ahead of hers on the street.   “Yeah! She’ll probably be back out in a second if you just wanna wait,” the cheery girl informed her. Tobin nodded in gratitude and turned to sit on one of the chairs.  Her knees bounced up and down in anticipation, her toes moving even faster against the floor. 

 

Like a bull in a china shop, Christen came through the glass doors to the right, holding a large cardboard box against her chest in her arms. Tobin could see a few books and a mug of pens sticking out the top. “Oh good, Tobin! You’re here!”  She looked excited to see her and shoved the box into Tobin’s unsuspecting arms when she stood up, making her fall back a step in surprise. 

 

“What’s this?” she asked, studying the contents of the box.  They looked like a few things Christen kept in her office, but she wasn’t completely sure why they were packed up. Christen flashed a smile so big, Tobin thought it would fall off her face.  “My stuff.  I quit.” she said nonchalantly as she walked past her and went to open the front glass doors.  “That’s the last one.  We can put it in my car and then walk to lunch down the street.”  

 

Tobin stood stunned with the weight in her arms almost forgotten.  She looked around and tried to make sure her ears weren’t playing tricks on her.   _ Quit?  Christen quit?   _ It was like a bomb had dropped around them and only Tobin had noticed. “Uh, you, you quit?” she stuttered.  Christen leaned casually against the open door, “come on, that thing isn’t light,” she ignored her question.  Taking a quick look back at Claire who had witnessed the exchange, she saw the girl was still smiling, like she knew exactly what was going on.  Tobin slowly took Christen’s direction and walked through the door, a worried look gracing her face.  

 

Christen lifted the trunk to her car and Tobin squeezed the box in, barely an inch of room to spare.  There were similar boxes and the vase Tobin had bought her years ago on her first day was wrapped in cellophane.  Slamming it shut once she was out of the way, Christen held out her hand expectantly, waiting for her to hold it.  “Come on, there’s a new place right here on the corner I want to try.”  Speechless, Tobin grasped her tightly and walked a half step behind her, trying to play catch up both mentally and physically. 

 

Her mind was racing a million miles at what had just unfolded, not just Christen’s news but what had happened last night and this morning.  It was all sending her body into overdrive and for once she wondered how she was the anxious one and Christen was so calm.  _ Could Christen be having some kind of mental breakdown?  Maybe that’s why everything seemed to change and escalate quickly, _ she thought.  

 

Her mouth wasn’t able to catch up with her brain the short time it took them to get to the new restaurant.  It was a beautiful day outside and all she wanted was for her mood to match the weather.  Christen was looking radiant in the sun, reflecting off of her raven hair, but her eyes were hidden underneath her sunglasses now.  Tobin wanted to see them; wanted to make sure there wasn’t something direly wrong with her.

 

“Hi, two please?  And can we have a table in the sun, if possible?  My wife loves that,”  Christen beamed at her while speaking to the hostess.  Tobin studied her again, looking for any red flags.  All she saw though was Christen stealing a small flower from the arrangement at the stand and inhaling it’s fresh scent underneath her nose.  Over top of the petals she lifted her sunglasses on top of her head and winked, or at least tried to, at Tobin.  

 

They were seated right away at a small cafe table for two when Tobin finally found her voice again.  “What do you mean you quit?  Did it just happen?” she squeaked out, not paying attention to anything else.

 

Christen smiled and gestured over top of her head with the stem of the flower, making her realize it was at the waiter who was now welcoming them and slowly filling their glasses with water.  Tobin was tapping her foot impatiently, cursing the man who dared to think hydration was important at a time like this.  After he rambled off a few of their specials and his personal favorites, he left them alone again.  Christen peacefully looked over the menu, a hint of happiness spread over her face.  “Chris,” Tobin tried again but more more softly, “can you please talk to me about all of this? What in the world is going on?”  

 

Sighing, Christen put the menu down flat against the table and propped her elbows on the table.  “I had a really great few days with you this week,” she started.

 

Tobin nodded enthusiastically.  “I did too.  I - I was really happy about...everything,” she offered, catching herself before she just alluded to the fact that they’d spent the night together.  Christen smiled softly, probably knowing exactly what she had intended to say.  “It was good, wasn’t it?” Her voice was low, trying to contain herself and keeping the secret to themselves a little longer.

 

They both had rosy cheeks, blushing at the innuendo.  “But back to the job.  I couldn’t do it anymore.  I couldn’t go off to work knowing you were at home with Sam and Emme and we were missing out on so much time together.”  

 

Tobin took a sip of water, her mouth dry from the continued thoughts of what exactly they did last night.  “You didn’t have to quit, Christen.  You love your work.”  Tobin never wanted Christen to give up something that meant a lot to her, especially since she knew how valuable she was to the organization.  Not once had she ever thought Christen prioritized it over the kids, either.

 

Christen shook her head.  “I do, but I love you all more.  Tobs, you were completely right.  There is so much going on with the kids and with you that I didn’t take the time to realize how it all came together so perfectly.  Of course I thought things were going great because when I came home everything was already done and I got to enjoy my three favorite people without doing much of the dirty work.  I took you for granted and I’m so sorry.”  Her voice was almost desperate, pleading her case as if it was necessary. 

 

And maybe that should have made Tobin feel good, but it didn’t.  “Please don’t say that.  You do so much for all us and it’s not unnoticed.  I like being at home with them most of the time, I swear.  I don’t want you to think you’re like, holding me hostage or whatever. I think I just had a bad day and took it out on you,” she tried convincing Christen in return.  The apologies were flooding out, neither one wanting the other to feel the blame for their separation.

 

 Christen nodded along, “I know that too.  But it doesn’t mean we both can’t be there, too.  I want to be there. And I should have never brought up having another child without thinking of the toll it would take on you or how I could help.”  

 

“Chris,” Tobin deadpanned, “I would have ten more kids if it was really what you wanted.  I would do anything to make you happy again.”  Her voice was so sincere and Christen could see it.  Deep down, Tobin really meant it.  Whatever she could do, she would.

 

Tears immediately pricked Christen’s eyes, making her reach out and ask for her hand.  Tobin gave it gladly, hoping they were happy tears.  “I love you so much,” Christen choked out in a whisper.  “I never meant for it to be like this.  I’ve missed you a lot.”

 

“I know, I know,” Tobin soothed, running her thumb over Christen’s knuckles.  “But I did think you were ready to leave me for a little bit there,” she mentioned, remembering Lana and not wanting to ignore the difficulties they’ve had. She knew she could just let it all go now that they seemed to be on the road to healing, but it wouldn’t be right.  There were some unsettled feelings and questions.  “I’ve been walking on eggshells for what feels like eternity.”

 

Gasping, she sniffled a bit.  “Tobin, no.  Never, ever has that seriously crossed my mind.  I went out with Lana because she was new and asked me to go get a drink with her.  You and I were in such a weird, comfortable routine that I thought maybe that was a way to get your attention somehow.  I thought you were totally okay with the arrangement until you dropped that plate and how you wouldn’t even look at me for days after.  I knew then that maybe it wasn’t over for you either.”

 

Tobin couldn’t help but question with a little bit of bite, “then why did you still go?  You didn’t think that hurt me?”  She felt the pain her chest and the sick feeling in her stomach all over again, thinking of that night.

 

Christen tried to pull her hand away but Tobin wasn’t having it.  “As soon as I met her there, I made it clear that it was not a date,  only as two co-workers having a drink.  I kinda broke down and told her about us.  She completely understood and I hadn’t even finished my drink before she urged me to go home to you that night. She could tell how much I just wanted to be with you.”  It seemed sincere and truthful.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me that?  I mean it’s been three months, Chris.  I thought it was pretty clear that I still wanted to be with you,” she pleaded.

 

“Are we ready to order?” they were interrupted from the side.  Christen shifted her attention and meticulously described how she wanted her salad prepared and a half of a club sandwich.  Tobin went through the list of questions of how she took her burger, never leaving Christen’s eyes.  It was probably best that they had a little bit of time to collect themselves, allowing them a second to breath and think through their conversation.

 

When they were alone again, Christen put her head down and whispered out, “I don’t know.  I wish I had better answer for you, but I think I was just being stubborn and tried holding onto anger I never should have had.  But I realized so much Tobin, I realized how much I’ve taken from you.”

 

Tobin wasn’t following completely, “what did you take?”  She had already told Christen she’d have more kids, that she didn’t have to quit and that she liked being home.  There was nothing she could think of that was ‘taken’ from her.

 

Christen’s eyes watered again, making Tobin’s heart constrict and ache at the sight.  “I took your identity.  You’re home with them all the time and I never even asked if there was anything else you wanted to do or gave you time to visit other parts of your life.  When was the last time that you went out and just played a pick-up game?  Or bought some new art supplies?”

 

To be fair, she had gone two weekends ago to pick out some new paints when she was bored at Kelley’s. But she knew what Christen meant, her life had slowly evolved into something new where taking care of others was her full-time job.  “I told you,” she persisted, “I like being at home and doing the full-time mom thing.”

 

“Yeah I know you love it but I also know that you’re the most selfless person I know,” Christen insisted.  “You would do anything for me, or for them, without complaining.  When we agreed that you’d stay home after we had Emerson, we never revisited the conversation with Sam.  I never asked you how you felt about it or thought that there was something else out there that you would rather do,” she hurried, starting to ramble and if Tobin wasn’t mistaken, slightly panic.  

 

“Are you done…?” Tobin smirked, watching Christen’s eyes narrow a bit and her body tense in defense.  She leaned in across the table to speak quietly,  “Stop making yourself sound like some kind of villain or like I’m completely helpless.  One of the many reasons I married you was because of how much you love and care for me.  If I was truly unhappy or needed something, I know all I would have to do was tell you and you’d make it happen.”  Christen was staring at her, trying to believe every word that was coming out of her mouth.  Tobin wasn’t sure if she was quite convinced yet, so she kept going.

 

“I would have never predicted that I would enjoy being a mom as much as I do.  If someone would have told me that I was going to stay home full time with two kids ten, five or heck, even two years ago, I would have laughed in their face.  But from the bottom of my heart, Chris, it is exactly what I want to be doing.  I love it so much and the three of you are better than anything I’ve ever prayed for.”

 

Tears had finally made their way silently down Christen’s cheeks.  Tobin ran her thumb over Christen’s knuckles, her hand shaking underneath of her own.  She knew how difficult this conversation was for both of them, and how scared Christen must be.  All she could do was to soothe her and let her know she was here, she wasn’t running anymore and she was just as nervous.

 

“I want you to come back home, permanently,” Christen told her after a long silence, neither one quite able to leave the moment.   She seemed a little nervous to say it, but completely genuine in her words.  It was exactly and everything Tobin had wanted to hear in the past three months but now that it was here she couldn’t believe it.  Being with Christen and her family was all she ever really wanted.

 

“I don’t know,” she heard herself say.

 

Christen’s mouth was wide open, jaw hanging towards the floor.  It took a second for Tobin to realize the weight of her words, quickly rushing to clarify them.  “Wait, that’s not at all what I meant.  You are incredible; you take such good care of both Emerson and Sam and you also rock at your job where you help others, too.  I don’t want you to choose between the two or give up something you love. I guess what I’m saying is, I don’t want you to think in order for me to come home that you have to quit.”

 

Christen shook her head insistently.  “I know, I know you weren’t asking me that.  And that’s not at all how I feel, I swear.  I’m a little embarrassed to say this but, it took the separation to truly appreciate you and how much you mean to this family; how much you mean to me.  I can always go back to my job when they’re a little older.  You come first.”

 

Tobin let her head drop to the side, “don’t you mean our family comes first?”  But her wife was firm, shaking her head gently.  “No.  You come first.  Without you, there is no family.”  

 

It took the air out of her lungs and stopped the blood in her veins.  She was overwhelmed and grateful and full of love all at the same time.  All she wanted to do in that moment was leap across the table and take her wife in her arms, vowing to never let her go again.  “I love you,” was the best she could do at the moment, hoping Christen could hear the simple declaration despite how it was whispered from her mouth.

 

“So you’ll come home?”  Christen asked happily,  sounding confident of the answer she’d get.

 

Tobin got lost in the sparkling eyes across from her, a sense of calm wrapping them up tightly for the first time in ages. “There’s nowhere else I want to be.”


	9. Chapter 9

Tobin looked over at Christen crouched beside a big box, riffling through its contents.  Her eyebrows were knitted together in both concentration and confusion as she took out things and looked around the room for a good spot.  She was still wearing the outfit Tobin had admired this morning and she would be lying if she said part of her attention wasn’t on the lower region of her body.

 

“Seriously, how do you have even  _ more _ stuff now?  I’m not sure it’s all going to fit in here!” Christen sighed, a bit exasperated by now since they’d been unpacking for over two hours.  Tobin didn’t think she had any more than what she’d initially taken from their home to go to Kelley’s but she also wasn’t the best at keeping track of her personal belongings.  Maybe some of the stuff she grabbed hastily was even Kelley’s, who would be wondering how her things had grown a pair of legs over night.

 

She was bummed that Kelley wasn’t home when they’d swung by the condo after lunch, hoping to get Tobin moved back in as quickly as possible.  The last thing she wanted was for Kelley to think she was ungrateful for everything she had done and was leaving her in the lurch, but she was just too excited to finally be invited back that she didn’t want to waste any time.  She was pretty sure Christen still had half a mouthful of her food in when they left the restaurant, also too anxious to be doing anything else. Still, Tobin took the time to write a long note with a request that Kelley either pop by their house or call her so she could make sure she could say a proper ‘goodbye’ and fill her in on the rest of the story.

 

Tobin moved quietly behind Christen, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder. It was pretty apparent that stress was creeping in and that was the last thing she wanted.  Seeing Christen so relaxed the past few days was refreshing and she wanted to keep it going.  “Hey, why don’t you just put that back the box and put it in the corner.  We can take a break and I can always finish up later tonight or tomorrow.”  Christen placed her hand overtop of Tobin’s strong one, using it as support to stand up before falling softly into her arms.  “Okay, babe.  My mom will probably drop the kids off soon anyway.”  They swayed in silence for a little while, neither eager to be anywhere else but wrapped up in each other.  Tobin tried to memorize the way Christen’s body fit into hers, committing the shape to memory as though she’d never have the chance again.

 

Everything had happened so quickly over the past few hours; few days, and she was still processing it all.  The one thing she had taken away from it all was that she would never, ever take having Christen in her life for granted again.  She was going to be more aware of moments like this and look for every opportunity to let her know how much she is loved.  It was a love that was overwhelming, sometimes almost it almost physically pained her to be in her presence.   With every day that passed, she fell more in love with the woman and the life they’d created together.

 

Still holding Christen close she wondered aloud, “so what do we tell the kids?  Do we even say something or just kinda let them figure it out?”  

 

Christen wiggled out of the tight grip to find her face.  “I think we have to tell Emerson,” she winced a little, making Tobin feel nervous in response.  “Why?” she wanted to know.

 

Her wife spun on her heels and started busying herself while stammering through an explanation.  Tobin just stood in place, trying to figure out what nerve she had struck.  “Umm...well….Emerson kinda...Emme and I….”  

 

Her typical ability to be patient was difficult at the moment, especially since it involved their daughter.  “Chris,” she softly coaxed.  “What’s wrong, babe?”  Worried green orbs looked up at her once again.  Tobin hated to see her like this, but knew better than to push before she was ready.

 

“Emerson and I had a little talk recently about the separation and she’s kinda the one who came up with our  day at the park we all had together.  She’s really aware of everything that happened and she wants you home as much as I do.”  Tobin exhaled, letting her shoulders relax while being thankful it wasn’t anything more serious.  She wasn’t even a bit upset that Christen had discussed the situation with their  _ very _ young daughter, knowing how curious and concerned for others she was at her very age.  Emerson was a lot like her.

 

“Okay...so we’ll tell her when she gets home, okay?” Tobin put it out there like it was no big deal; like Christen shouldn’t have been apprehensive to tell her in the first place.  She could pinpoint the exact moment that relief flooded Christen’s face, easing them out of the conversation.

 

Somewhere below them, it registered a familiar voice had been calling them.  “Anyone home?”  Tobin pressed a quick kiss to Christen’s forehead, letting her lips linger while she spoke.  “Perfect timing, I think we get to tell her now.”

 

She led them out of the room and down the hallway to the top of the steps before she felt Christen reach forward and clasp their hands together tightly, walking down each step together.  In her line of vision she could see Stacy beaming at them with Sam on her hip and Emerson studying them closely, her little eyes fixated on their hands.

 

“Hi, peanut! How was school?” Christen gushed.  Sam rested quietly, sucking his thumb against his grandmother’s shoulder while Emerson countered with a question of her own.  “What are you and Mama doing?” Her little face was curious, her question asked like she already suspected something.

 

“Oh,” Christen faltered, looking at Tobin for a second, who gave her the single nod go-ahead.  “We were just putting some of Mama’s stuff away upstairs in our bedroom.”

 

“Ohhh,” Stacy teased while moving her eyebrows up and down, “the bedroom, just the two of you, huh?”

 

Christen scowled, her mouth agape in disgust.  “Mom, seriously?  Please do not make insinuations about your daughter’s s-e-x life.”  She turned around to take off the oversized bag from Emerson’s back, leaving Tobin to smirk at her mother-in-law.  They exchanged a silent laugh at how flustered it had made Christen.  Stacy let her facial expressions do the talking, asking Tobin if things were good between them, getting her hopes up of a reconciliation.

 

Tobin shyly smiled and signaled ‘yes’, everything was great without her wife noticing.  The bright white that she got in response almost blinded her before Emerson started chattering.

 

“S…..like  _ ssssssss _ nake.   E like  _ eeeeee _ gg.   X like….” she stopped what she was doing, thinking hard about what she could remember about the letter.  Tobin held her breath, mostly out of fear that she somehow would put the entire sequence together and ask what it spelled, but a little in amusement.  Christen, however, was mortified.  Her pupils were like saucers and her mouth hung open, pleading to Tobin to interject.  

 

“Uh, we’ll have to look that one up tonight, okay Emme?”  she tried, thinking it would distract her for the time being.  “How about you go into the kitchen and Mommy and I will fix you a snack.  Give Gram a kiss before she leaves, though.”

 

The mini-Tobin barely made contact with her grandmother, too busy in thought as she skipped away from the conversation.   When she was out of earshot Stacy let her laugh out.  “You better hope she doesn’t go to school tomorrow and spell that out for her teacher,” she heaved, unable to keep it together.

 

“Give me my baby,” Christen scoffed, taking Sam from her arms.  But Tobin knew she wasn’t really upset or angry.   “Thanks for everything, Mom.”  She took their son and walked away, leaving Stacy and Tobin alone.

 

“So everything’s good?” Stacy confirmed outloud.  She nodded, feeling confident in her answer.  “Yeah everything’s good.  I’m back home and Christen is taking time off from work.”  Both parties seemed satisfied, just standing in thin silence until Stacy snapped out of it and gave her a brief squeeze before finding the front door.  “Okay, I gotta run.  Let me know if I can have my babies again this week, it was fun.”

 

Tobin shut the door behind her, leaning her head on it for a brief moment with a smile plastered to her face, until she heard the giggles and cackles that lured her to the family room.

 

…

 

“Do you think I can read to her tonight?”  Christen asked her while wiping down the kitchen table, the remnants of their ordered-in pizza everywhere.  They had the kids’ favorite food as part of the official ‘welcome home’ party Emerson wanted throw in honor of Tobin’s homecoming.  Christen had settled her at the table earlier, prepared to explain in a calm and appropriate manner that ‘Mama is coming back to be with you and me again,’ but the girl beat her to it.  

 

_ “Mama,” she started while popping a few pieces of her snack in her mouth, “did you bring all your clothes back from Aunt Kelley’s?” _

 

_ Tobin shot Christen a surprised look before replying.  “Yeah, I did Emerson.  I brought everything home.  I’m gonna be here all the time now.  Is that okay?”  Christen waited on baited breath, never knowing she needed approval from someone his badly. _

 

_ “Yeah, that’s good,” the little girl answered nonchalantly, not even looking up from her bowl of goldfish.  Tobin just shrugged her shoulders at Christen, who was just as taken back.  “Can we have a pizza party?” she followed up with.  Christen melted into her chair, giving in the request immediately.  “Of course, peanut.  Let me go order it now.” _

 

She felt a weird defensiveness wash over her, thinking about how reading was her and Emerson’s thing each night.  But then she remembered the reason that Christen never did; she was always exhausted from reading things on her computer all day long.  This was a different type of reading and if she enjoyed it so much, who was she to deny Christen that chance too?

 

“Absolutely,” she agreed.  “Why don’t I take him up now and then you can do your thing?”

 

Christen hummed as she swept the crumbs into a paper towel.  “Sure, meet you down here in half hour?”

 

But Tobin had a slightly different idea, “how about meet you in our bedroom instead?”  Her tone was questioning, hopeful even that she was coming off as charming rather than aggressive.  The look on Christen’s face told her she approved.

 

“Deal.”

 

She quickly put Sam down in his bed, praying he would sleep through the night since he had been restless at naptime earlier.  Emerson went through the same phase when she was growing so she chalked it up to a growth spurt, but she desperately wanted this first night back with Christen to be perfect.  She was alone in their bathroom twenty minutes later when Christen came up behind Tobin in the mirror, locking eyes as she settled her chin on her shoulder.  Her hands found Tobin’s hips, slipping slightly under the hem of her t-shirt to rub small circles on her smooth skin.  Tobin tried not to smile so the foam wouldn’t spill from her mouth, but everything about today just made her so damn happy she couldn’t help it.  Christen nuzzled into her neck, leaving a trail of slow kisses, once scraping her teeth in the spot right below her ear.

 

Tobin could feel herself getting aroused already, yet she couldn’t ignore her crazy appearance.  She used her hip to bump Christen away for a moment to spit out the toothpaste and rinse her mouth.  When she stood up, she wasn’t shocked to see the displeased look on Christen’s face.  “Babe, c’mon! I was brushing my teeth, literally the least sexiest thing possible,” she reached back out for Christen to bring them together again.

 

Christen hooked her arms around Tobin’s neck, re-attaching her lips just underneath her sharp jawline.  “Everything you do is pretty sexy,” she chided with a sensual undertone.  “And I’ve been thinking about this all day,”  Tobin groaned in response, unable to keep it together for much longer.  She never could when Christen was touching and kissing her like  _ that _ , with her fingertips running over the back of her neck.

 

“Bed?” she proposed.  Not taking her lips away from her neck, Christen agreed, “bed. Now.”

 

They walked backwards in sync with Tobin’s hands firmly attached to Christen’s ass, appreciating the firmness of it as their heads rolled together, deepening the kiss with each passing second.  Even though she had changed, Christen was still in her jeans and top from the top, not exactly the easy clothing to remove in the heat of the moment.  

 

“Baby, lay down and let me take those off for you,” she suggested, like she was doing her wife a huge favor.   Christen played along, “oh that’s so nice of you.  How sweet.”  She sprawled out, letting Tobin take her in from a different angle.  And Tobin took her time, feeling her way up and down Christen’s body before hastily unzipping the jeans and wiggling them off her strong thighs.  “Come here,” Christen moaned after a few seconds, dripping with want and missing the way Tobin felt against her body.

 

Tobin fulfilled her wish and leaned down, catching Christen’s hips with her own.  A downright filthy moan escaped Christen’s throat at the contact, spurring Tobin on to do it again while sucking on her chest, right in the space a of the v-neck she wore.  She felt hands grip her hair roughly as she continued to grind against Christen, trying to relieve both of the pent up energy in both of them.  “Baby,” she breathed, “Take off your shirt.”

 

Christen put enough space in between them to lift it up, but before it was over her head Tobin heard a small thud against their bedroom door, followed by twisting at the knob.

 

They both froze, silently trying to figure out what it was.  Tobin opened her mouth to say something but Christen put her finger to her lips. “Shh,” she mouthed.  “Maybe she’ll go away?”  Tobin knew that would be too good to be true and she was right.  

 

“Mama?” a little voice from the other side called.  Christen’s eyebrows shot up surprised, expecting it to be their daughter.  “He didn’t  take a great nap today,” Tobin reminded her, thinking he was restless once again.  “Be right there buddy,” she let him know while pulling Christen’s shirt back down to cover her.  

 

Christen whimpered, crawling up their bed to hide her exposed lower half under the covers.  Tobin opened their door to see Sam standing unevenly, rubbing his eyes with one hand.  “What’s wrong buddy?  Why aren’t you in bed?”

 

He raised his hands to signal he wanted to be picked up, so Tobin scooped him into her arms and walked over to the bed.  “Do you wanna cuddle with Mommy and me?”  Her wife may have been frustrated not even a minute ago but the look on her face now was soft and loving, “hi buddy, come to Mommy!”

 

Sam laid in the middle of the bed while his mothers took turns getting ready to sleep.  An hour later, three bodies were huddled close together, soft snores filling the air and the thought of the desired intimacy long forgotten.

 

……

 

Tobin woke the next morning in the same exact position she had fallen asleep in, facing Christen on her side with Sam tucked back into her chest.  His hair was messy and his mouth hung open while Christen looked angelic and peaceful. She watched her through the filtered sunlight, lightly grazing her arm with her fingertips.  

 

“Hi,” she whispered as Christen’s eyes fluttered open as a result of the tickling to look right into her own.

 

“Hi,” a sleepy smile graced her wife’s face before she looked down between him.  “You beat the alarm?”

 

Tobin nodded.  “Only by a few minutes.  Why don’t I take him downstairs with me while I start breakfast for Emme.  I’ll get her moving, but take your time.  I’ll have coffee whenever you’re ready.”

 

Her wife frowned, sticking her lips out ever so slightly, which only made Tobin wish her son would have napped the day before so she could kiss it away.  “But Tobs, I’m home now.  I can do it.”

 

“And this is the first day you haven’t had to go to work in a long time! You deserve to sleep in, babe.”  Tobin knew that even the weekends Christen was up early, handling the kids solo for months.  This was her shot to make sure her wife was well rested for whatever the day held in store for them, hopefully whatever they had started last night.

 

“No,” Christen stretched out, “This is the first day that you don’t have to do the morning routine.  That’s why I quit my job Tobs, I want to share the responsibility.”  

 

She sighed audibly, thinking of how they could work this out before a lightbulb when off in her brain.  “Who says we both can’t do it?  I’ll get them downstairs while you pick out their outfits.  How’s that?”

 

Christen flashed a quick smile before shooting forward to press a quick kiss to Sam’s head.  “So smart, that’s why I married you,” she joked, barely able to keep a straight face.

 

“I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that,” Tobin countered with a small laugh.  She slowly slid backwards out of bed to gather Sam in her arms.  He lazily open his eyes once they started walking, going to find his sister.  “Morning buddy, how was your sleep?”

 

Sam nuzzled in closer to her with a little smile pressed against her shoulder.  She gripped him a little harder, soothing him and gently rousing him.  Christen followed, taking on the difficult job of getting Emerson out of bed.  The girl really was like Tobin, a good sleeper who would steal as many minutes in her bed as possible.  “Emerson,” Christen whispered, “wake up, peanut.  Time to get ready for school.”

 

The little brunette groaned and put her arms over her face.  “If you get up now peanut, I bet Mama will make you a treat for breakfast….”

 

Little eyelids popped open.  Again, just like Tobin, she could appreciate the best meal of the day: breakfast.  Tobin laughed to herself and made a mental note to use this trick again in the future, seeing its effectiveness.

 

Twenty-five minutes later Tobin stood motionless in front of the opened refrigerator, trying to figure out what they needed from the store after making french toast and using almost all of the milk when a pair of thin arms wrapped around her waist, settling low on her stomach.  The gesture immediately made her smile.

 

“Careful, I think my wife will be down any second, we don’t wanna get caught” she joked while leaning back into Christen’s warm body, hoping to steal a few more kisses that had left her mouth watering before she fell asleep last night.

 

Instead, she met with a playful slap on the backside.  “Very funny,” Christen sarcastically chided her.  “If I ever find another woman in this house…” she let the statement die, allowing Tobin to use her imagination as to just how angry she would be.

 

“Yeah?” she challenged right back.  “You’d be jealous or something?”  

 

Christen stared her down while stepping in closer once again so their fronts were almost touching.  She let her fingers run up and down Tobin’s arms, feeling the goosebumps underneath them.  “Oh yeah,” she asserted her feelings.  “I’d be  _ very _ jealous.  You’re mine.”  Tobin loved the way her voice had changed from her usual happy, upbeat tone to a more playful, seductive type of banter.  

 

Not caring that her two kids were babbling away at the kitchen table, she backed them up a few steps until Christen hit the kitchen island.  She rolled her hips once, then twice into her wife’s, never breaking eye contact.  “I like the sound of that,” she agreed before going in to nip at the soft and luscious lips in front of her.  

 

Their kiss was slow and lazy, Christen being the first to open her mouth to invite in Tobin’s searching tongue.  Tobin explored every inch, getting dizzy at the taste and scent of her wife and feeling herself getting worked up.  “I really wish I could sit you up on this counter and have you right here,” she whispered into Christen’s ear. 

 

“Or we could wait until the kids are off and you can join me in the shower,” Christen made sure her sultry voice was lower but nonetheless inviting towards her wife.  Tobin could feel her cheeks heating up at the innuendo but had to give her a gentle reminder.  “As much as I would love that, you do know that Sam is with us until 11:30, right?”  

 

Christen half-groaned, half-grimaced at her lack of remembering.  “I promise I’ll get the weekday schedule down soon,” she offered as she backed away from Tobin and towards the stairs.  “But I guess I’ll get a shower now and then come back to walk Emme to the bus stop with you?”  

 

Tobin just looked adoringly at her wife and nodded in affirmation, waiting to resume her task until the darker brunette reached the top step.  She admired the way Christen’s hair was disheveled and her eyes were still a little droopy, but mostly that she was taking the time to do the little things together.  She couldn’t remember the last time they’d walked as a family to the bus stop, or even when they’d taken a walk anywhere as a foursome.  

 

Despite her complete contentment in the moment, she knew she had to get things moving or they’d all be late.  The last thing she wanted was to create chaos and miss out on the anticipated opportunity. “Ok my dudes, let’s get you dressed and teeth brushed so we can get out of here!” she exclaimed, clapping her hands one for emphasis.

 

Emerson quickly leapt out of her chair, wide eyed and ready, her feet unsteady as she hit the floor.  She stayed crouched in her position as if she hadn’t quite gotten her balance, making Tobin stifle a laugh at her weird posture.  After a few seconds she checked in on her, “you okay there, Emerson?”

 

The little girl caught her by surprise and squealed her name.  “MAMA, come here!”  Tobin knew she had two choices, either humor the little girl and close the gap between them, or put on her serious face and order her to keep it moving.  Her curiosity got the best of her and she decided to see what Emerson wanted out of her.

 

“What’s up?”  Tobin hovered over her, barely able to see Emerson’s chocolatey eyes below her.  

 

“No, come down here,” Emerson insisted while motioning with both hands.  Tobin slowly bent down, making a mental note to do more squats as part of her workout routine.  When they were face to face, Emerson looked very serious, staring straight into her eyes and making Tobin feel like she was looking deeper, straight into her soul.  

 

“This is fun,” she whispered eventually, puzzling her mom.  Tobin wasn’t sure what exactly was fun; the breakfast that Christen had made quickly, the urgency in her request to get dressed and brush her teeth.  “What do you mean, Emerson?”

 

Before she could get any type of response, Emerson flung her arms around Tobin’s neck tightly, allowing her to breathe in the fresh and innocent scent of her daughter.  It was nostalgic, thinking of when she was a newborn and she would press her nose to the girl’s head just to be closer.  Tobin ran hand loving through her wavy locks, pulling her in even tighter.  Against her neck she felt a little pair of lips move.  “You’re home, Mama.  You and Mommy are in love again.”  

 

She was sure her heart was going to burst right then and there, her eyes filling with happy tears as she stroked her daughter’s back.  “Yeah baby, I’m home.  Mama’s not going anywhere ever again, okay?”  They stayed like that a little longer until she knew she had no choice but to ruin the moment, hoping the ones that would follow would be just as exciting and meaningful to the girl.  “Okay, Emme, get a move on.  I’ll be up in a minute to check on you, okay?”  

 

Emerson took a step out of her embrace and looked up mischievously.  “I’m gonna wear my Red Stars jersey today,” she giggled, knowing the reaction she was going to get.  Tobin played right into her hands, her face twisting in playful horror. She thought after all her time at home without Christen’s influence, she had made their daughter a die-hard Portland fan.  “Oh no you aren’t, we only wear Thorns clothing around here!”  She lunged to tickle the girl who was way too quick, pedaling backwards in a fit of giggles.  “I’m gonna wear it!” she yelled again, running up the stairs in complete hysteria.  

 

Tobin shook her head, still on a high from everything that was unfolding around her this morning, and turned her attention to the two year old still in his chair.  She almost lost it all over again when she noticed her son had fallen asleep at the breakfast table.   _ How much sweeter can life be _ , she thought.

 

Turns out, much sweeter.

 

Her wife was a bombshell who looked most gorgeous without a stitch of makeup and fresh out of the shower, her son wanted every ounce of her love and affection and her daughter devilishly tricked her, wearing her bright red Thorns jersey as they walked out of the door.  She took a mental snapshot of the four of them, her heart full.

  
  


“Mommy, where’s my lunchbox?”  Emerson asked as soon as they made it to the end of the driveway.  Both adults looked at each other, neither claiming they took responsibility for it.  “I’ll run in and grab it, you guys go ahead,” Christen sighed, turning around with a little dramatic flair. Tobin kept going with Sam on her hip, Emerson talking to herself just a few steps in front of her.  

 

“…and then you  pour in all of the blueberries and stir realllllly good….” she could hear Emerson whispering to herself.  It made her giggle to herself, thinking of how Christen did the same thing when something important was cycling through her mind that she wanted to go over or memorize.

 

“What’s this about blueberries?” she asked, breaking the girl’s concentration.  She looked up with confidence, maybe a little sass, to tell her, “Mommy said I could make blueberries pancakes for breakfast tomorrow.  She’s been letting me watch her do it on the weekends.”  

 

Her head filled with an immediate image of Emerson resting her body against the cold granite of the kitchen island while Christen carefully measured and prepped her breakfast.  “So you think you know all of the steps?  Can you teach me how to make them?”

 

“Oh yeah, Mama,” her little voice rose.  “I’ll teach you and then you can teach Sam!”  Tobin looked down at her little guy who was intently listening but not contributing to the conversation.  “What do you think my dude, you wanna make some blueberry pancakes?!”  

 

He popped his resting head up, almost knocking Tobin in the chin in the process. “Yeah!” he squealed in delight.  “We eat them!”

 

“What are we eating?”  another voice joined the conversation.  But it wasn’t Christen’s, it was Anna’s, right behind them.  Tobin had been actively avoiding the woman over the past week, either driving Emerson to and from school or coming at the last minute.  Plus, Christen had given her a little bit of a break as of late.

 

No member of the trio answered Anna’s question, so she followed up with, “how is everyone today?”  The tone of her voice would have been categorized as friendly to any other person, but to Tobin it was almost too nice.  Her first reaction was to roll her eyes, her second to take a big step away from the woman.  

 

“Hi Miss Anna,” Emerson said neutrally.   _ Man, _ Tobin thought,  _ that kid really  _ is _ perceptive.  She can totally pick up on the vibes here. _

Anna started talking to the girl kept her attention on Tobin.  “We’ve missed you around here the last few days, sweetie.  What have you been up to?”

  
  


“Oh just getting in some quality family time,” Christen announced, sliding up behind Tobin, a lunch box dangling from her right hand.  The left slid around Tobin’s waist while she gave the nosy woman a smug look.

 

Anna’s eyes darted between the pair, much like Emerson had done last night.  It took her a second to process before she stood a little taller.  “Oh.  Are you two….?”

 

Tobin wanted to answer this one, “Yep.  We are.”  

 

“Oh,” Anna said somewhat flatly, “well…..good for you.  I guess whatever issue you had is taken care of.”

 

In that moment she allowed the one thought she’d been pushing to the back of her mind to creep in.  She and Christen never discussed the original reason behind their separation; the issue that blew up in their faces.   Of course she meant what she said at lunch about having more children if it really made Christen that happy, and now that things had already changed she was much more open to it.

 

She felt Christen start to pull away from her, just ever so slightly, giving her room to look her in the eye while she spoke.  The answer was meant for Anna, but it was Christen she was trying to send a message. 

 

“We’ve always had it easy; being together has never been work for us.  We’ve always been on the same page about things so I get why things got so blown up.  We aren’t perfect, but we’re getting there and I want to keep the life we’ve created going.  I’m going to choose this family every single day and I’m never going anywhere again.”

 

Christen visibly swallowed a big lump in her throat, her eyes starting to water before she shut them tightly.  “I want whatever family you want,” she whispered while the tears started to escape from underneath her eyelids.  Tobin’s thumb stroked them away, not caring that they were having this intimate moment in front of their neighbor and children, one who was still clinging to Tobin.  

 

“Mommy,” Emerson tugged on Christen’s shirt.  “Don’t cry.  Mama’s back!” 

 

“Yes she is,” Christen laughed with a little bit of a wet snort.  “You ready to get on the bus, peanut?”  They noticed the big yellow blob rounding the curve of their street, barreling towards the kids.  

Each mom took their turn of giving her a brief hug and kiss, even letting Sam get one in too.  As soon as they could Emerson was settled, Christen and Tobin turned back towards their house, ready to spend some time with their son.  But before they got too far, Tobin stopped in her tracks and turned around.

 

“Oh, see ya Anna.”

 


	10. Chapter 10

  
  


The weeks seemed to fly by and the family of four fell into a comfortable routine with both Christen and Tobin at home.  Not that Tobin thought they were boring or anything, but their house had become lighter and more fun.  The atmosphere from when they woke up til the sun set was lively, both women taking their share of responsibility to make sure it ran smoothly.

During that time, Christen and Tobin gave each other a few hours a week to sneak off and do their own thing.  Christen emphasized the importance of having their own hobbies and time to themselves just to make sure they weren’t any more incidents that would lead them down the path that had broken them for too long.  At first Tobin wasn’t sure what she should do with her time despite Christen insisting she pick up some type of coaching gig or volunteer doing anything involving a ball.  But Tobin was just as insistent that she really didn’t want that and settled for playing in a pick-up league where she severely embarrassed everyone on her worst day.

 

Christen took yoga and meditation classes, working in lunch alone with some of her friends and family that lived near by.  The pair had spent a lot of time together lately and even though their “me time” was short, each reunion felt like they had been away for eternity.  

 

So Tobin was caught off-guard one morning when Christen brought up that she should have even more time away.

 

“Babe, I’ve been thinking.  You really haven’t had a relaxing vacation in a while, why don’t we book you a little weekend trip?  You know, just like a spa get away or something?”  Tobin continued to fold the laundry while sitting on the couch, deliberating what her reaction should be.  On one hand the thought of being rubbed and waited on sounded heavenly, but she didn’t feel she solely deserved all that.  Christen stalled her walk across the living room, gauging her wife’s reaction to the idea.

 

“I don’t know,” she hesitated.  “What about the kids?”   Christen waved her off, “I’ll be here; I can handle them for a weekend by myself.  It’s not like I haven’t done it before,” she kidded.   Tobin let the idea roll around in her head a little more but she couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable with it.  “I can’t, Chris.  You deserve a vacation too and I think I would just end up feeling guilty all weekend and missing you.”

 

Christen came over to sit next to her, taking the small shirts she was folding out of her hands.  “I’ll let you know when I need a vacation,” she assured her.  “I really want to do this for you, Tobs.  So let me.  Let me plan you a trip and I promise that you’re going to love it.”  She sealed the promise with a gentle kiss to her cheek, only to have Tobin chase her lips to follow-up with few pecks of her own.  “You’re the sweetest,” she whispered against Christen’s lips. 

 

“So that’s a yes?”  Christen asked with hope in her voice.   Tobin smiled and nodded once, letting her know that yes, she’d be happy to take a vacation anywhere that she planned.

 

“Okay, this is great,” her wife started pacing now, making her stifle a laugh. “You need to go pack right now cause you won’t have time with Emerson’s school play tonight and everything.  A car will be here to pick you up first thing in the morning.”

 

Tobin was even more stunned now, thinking this hypothetical trip wasn’t taking place for a few weeks, even months.  “What do you mean, tomorrow morning?  What if I said no? How do you know I don’t have appointments or plans or something?

 

Christen looked smugly at her.  “I always do my homework, babe.  Plus how can you say no to this face?”

 

She had a hand towel thrown at her for that one.  “Okay,” Tobin finally conceded while abandoning her chore.  “Any hints on what I should pack?”

 

“Whatever you want babe.  Maybe a nice outfit so you can have dinner at the restaurant but other than that whatever you feel comfortable in.”

 

She should have known that her question was pointless, considering she and her wife had totally different ideas as to what was acceptable clothing, even on vacation.  By the time she was finished, she figured she’d at least be prepared for whatever weather she’d encounter, putting all different types of clothing in her suitcase.  She dragged it down the steps, making a clacking sound, and set it by the door where it stayed overnight until early the next morning when Christen woke her at unearthly hour.

 

“Okay, okay, just one more sip,” she whined against the mug of coffee she’d been promised if she got in the shower.  “Aren’t you supposed to sleep in when you go on vacation?” she joked, optimistic that her wife wouldn’t be offended and know how truly grateful she was for all she was doing.

 

Christen only raised her eyes and started to actually push her toward the door.  “Take it with you, I don’t care,” she pressed on.  “I don’t want you to be late and miss your appointments.”

 

Tobin sighed and gave in.  “Okay.  Here, you take the mug and give me a kiss.”  Christen obliged, taking a break from her drill sergeant role to leave a satisfying kiss on her lips, lingering on her bottom lip for a moment.  “Have the best time,” she genuinely wished her.  “Don’t worry about us, I’ll have the kids call you tonight, okay?”

 

CHristen had said a car was picking her up, but she hadn’t expected a shiny long towncar to be waiting in their driveway.  A tall man who reminded her of her dad was waiting, opening the door as she approached.  “Good morning,” he greeted, “I’m Jerry.  Ready to hit the road?”  

 

She looked back to the front door where Christen was leaning against it smiling.  It was then that she really processed that she had gone to great lengths to make this happen for her and how selfless she was.  “I’m ready,” she confidently spoke.  “I just need one second.”  The man smiled kindly at her and tipped his head as he took her suitcase.

 

Jogging lightly back towards the front door, she could see her favorite smile disappear.  “What’s wrong baby?”  Christen asked worriedly before she could throw her arms around her neck.  She held on tightly, pressing their bodies impossibly close.  “I love you so much,” Tobin whispered into her hair, emotions almost getting the better of her.  

 

“I love you too,” Christen returned as she rubbed her back, except hers held a bit more of surprise.  When she felt like she had thoroughly communicated via hug how appreciative she was, she backtracked to the car. 

 

“Bye, babe.”

 

…

  
  


Tobin watched out the window as the coastline changed to flat greenery and palm trees with the sun illuminating them as it came up.  What she really wanted to do was close her eyes for a few moments to get some more sleep but it would have been a shame to miss the scenery she reasoned.  Plus, with two whole days to herself knowing that her family was secure and safe, she would be able to take as many naps as she wanted to once she arrived at her unknown destination.

 

“So what brings you to Ojai this weekend?” Jerry finally spoke from the front seat.  She finally figured out that was her mystery spot, pleasantly surprised it wasn’t  _ too _ far of a drive from their home.  Tobin couldn’t help but smile as she answered him, “my wife thought I needed a little time away.  She put this all together.”

 

The man up front chuckled to himself, “When my wife says I need time away, she usually means it’s because I’m driving her crazy and she barely lets me make sure I have pants on before she shuts the door on me,” he joked.  Tobin smiled again, knowing that was definitely not Christen felt about her.

 

It wasn’t much later that they pulled up to sprawling, 5 star resort that looked straight out of a magazine.  Her jaw dropped in awe at the decadence of the place, seeing the white buildings sprawled out across the pristine green grass.  “We’re here?” she questioned.

 

“Yep.  This is it,” Jerry confirmed.

 

Her hand shook a bit as she opened up the car door, not waiting for the driver, to take it all in.  Her feet carried her into the open-aired lobby, again not bothering to wait for Jerry.  It took a moment for her to realize a kind young woman was holding a tiny sign with her name on it.  

 

“Oh, uh, I’m Tobin,” she introduced herself, somewhat flustered and embarrassed at the gesture.  No one else was really paying attention since it was so early but she couldn’t help but feel like it was a bit unnecessary.  

 

“Ms. Heath,” the woman warmly greeted her.  “Welcome to Ojai!  We’ve been expecting you.  I’ll have the driver put your belongings in the room we’ve reserved for you while we get you to the spa.  You have a full morning of treatments book so let’s give you a tour of the facilities and make sure you’re comfortable.”

 

Tobin didn’t even have a second to see where Jerry was or to make sure her luggage was in the right hands as she whisked away.  Her first reaction was to whistle at the accommodations, her second was to cry when she felt how soft the slippers and bathrobe were.  It had been awhile since she could have anything that white or that nice on since she had two messy, clumsy kids in her care most of the time.

 

She spent the morning being rubbed and fussed over, not particularly her taste but she had to admit it felt really good.  With almost nothing but long stretches silence in the air, she almost allowed herself to think that this was something Christen would enjoy and she felt badly about it being her instead.  So she made sure to really savor every treatment, not wanting her wife’s efforts to be unappreciated or wasted.  

 

When it came time for lunch, she almost felt like a new woman.  Karen, the woman who had greeted her earlier, met her after each treatment to explain what was happening next.  Post-facial, Tobin beat her to the punch.  “So what does my wife have me signed up for next?  Botox, Extensions, a face transplant?” she joked.

 

The woman graciously laughed and shook her head.  “We’re not  _ that _ kind of spa,” she conceded.  “No, it’s a good time for lunch,” she informed Tobin, who was more than happy to get something else in her stomach than the wine and cheese she’d been picking at all morning.  

 

“Great,” Tobin looked around to see a few guests eating at cafe tables in the sun-filled atrium.  “Do I need to give you my order or…?”  

 

Karen placed her hand on Tobin’s back and started to walk her in the opposite direction.  “No.  Actually lunch is being set up in your room as we speak.   You can go and relax for a little there.  I’ll let you know when it’s time for your afternoon appointments.”  

 

Tobin looked over her shoulder, somewhat disappointed to be holed up in her room, even though it was sure to be beautiful based on the rest of the resort.  She was hoping for maybe some light conversation with strangers or at least sticking her face in the sun.   But she’d have plenty of time later, she reasoned, and humored all those involved by stepping on the elevator.

 

“Room 561, to your left when you get off on the fifth floor,” Karen instructed in front of the elevator doors.  Unsure of why the woman wasn’t escorting her up, she asked, “wait, don’t I need a key?”

 

Before the doors could close, Karen smiled and let her know, “it’ll be open.  Enjoy!”

 

It left her a little confused, but the zen of her environment kept her cool.  She got off the elevator and went left like she was told, only to notice that her door was slightly ajar.  They’re probably setting up my lunch she figured, so she gave a little know to introduce herself to whoever was on the other side.

 

“Hello?”

 

Her eyes adjusted to someone arranging a small spread on a makeshift table, filled with more desserts than she could count, a bottle of champagne the centerpiece of it all. The woman slowly spun around in a robe that matched her own, long raven hair cascading perfectly down over her back.  It was a figure that Tobin could spot a mile away, one she’d memorized all the curves of.

 

“Hi babe,” Christen beamed, “Happy early anniversary.”

 

“What in the….” Tobin stood stunned,  blinking a few times to make sure she was really looking at her gorgeous wife.  “Surprised?” Christen asked while closing the space between them to lay a gentle kiss on her cheek.  Tobin accepted it, but still couldn’t react properly.  She looked around the room for the first time to notice the soft glow of tealight candles laid all around, the gigantic King sized bed that looked softer than the clouds above and Christen’s luggage in the corner.

 

“But...how….where are Emerson and Sam?” she finally asked.

 

“Babe,” Christen nearly doubled over in laughter, making Tobin smile at how carefree she looked.  “Do you really think I would bring our kids on a romantic getaway?”

 

She hooked her arms around Christen’s back to steady her.  “I don’t know!” she exclaimed, “I still can’t believe  _ you’re _ here!”  The pair lovingly gazed at each other, drinking in how happy they were in the moment.  Christen leaned in to kiss the tip of Tobin’s nose before speaking again.  “Well that’s also part of your anniversary gift.  The kids are at home with your mom.  I know it’s been a few months since we’ve been able to see her so I called and asked if she wanted to come visit and she was thrilled! She’s staying the week with us.”

 

Tobin nearly had to pick her jaw up off the floor, overwhelmingly excited that her mom was in town.  She hadn’t visited since their temporary separation, mostly because of the awkwardness of the situation but made sure to keep in touch with the kids via Skype and FaceTime any chance possible. 

 

“Chris,” she choked out.  “You have no idea how much this all means to me.  Thank you.”  Christen tenderly ran a hand over her hair, stroking the soft ponytail.  “I know, Tobs.  I love you.”

 

“I love you, too.”  She wasted no time and  spun them so Christen’s legs hit the back of the bed before falling together onto the mattress.  Her wife let out of a squeal before Tobin slid a hand between the belt and her robe, loosening it to expose the soft skin underneath.

 

“Wait!” Tobin stopped herself as she realized, “is that why you pushed me out this morning?  Was my mom there?”

 

Christen pulled Tobin back in by the collar of the robe to kiss her in between short sentences.  “Yep.  She was.  Coming.  From the.  Airport.” 

 

Tobin pushed the robe open further, letting her eyes wander over Christen’s bare chest that was already reacting to the way her fingers brushed over it.  “God, you’re so sexy,” she felt her breath catching in her throat.  Christen was underneath her pushing her hips upward and looking for contact.  “So are you,” she whispered, taking the opportunity to removed Tobin’s robe from her shoulders so they matched.  

 

They wasted no time rolling back and forth underneath the five-star sheets, Tobin coming hard against Christen’s tongue the moment she let it circle around her most sensitive spot while Christen came undone from having three fingers curling against her walls.  They mirrored positions on their backs, Tobin’s hand skimming over Christens arm as they caught their breath.  “Was that my anniversary gift?” Christen asked, “‘cause if it was, I loved it.  I don’t need anything else.”  

 

Tobin cackled a little, mostly pleased that her wife still was affected by her.  “No, and if I can be honest, I didn’t get you anything yet.  You kinda caught me off-guard here, we still have two weeks!”  The other woman rolled to her side, propping her head up with her hand and let the sheets drop from her chest.  Tobin couldn’t help but stare at them, blushing at all the little red and purple marks she’d made with her teeth earlier.  

 

“That’s okay, I really don’t want anything, babe.  This weekend is all I wanted, for us to be together and for you to get a little peace and quiet.”

 

She pulled Christen down on top of her, letting her mouth open take her lips in and kissing her deeply.  When they pulled apart, both looked like they had seen stars.  “Babe, as nice as that sounds, I have no intention of keeping you quiet this weekend.”

 

Christen moaned and pressed her hips down into Tobin’s core.  “Round two?”

 

“You read my mind.”

 

….

 

After convincing Tobin that they really couldn’t spend all weekend in the hotel bed, the pair made their way down to the pool to catch some much needed sun.  They settled on the loungers after Tobin pulled them together so they could touch, a waiter promptly bringing them some of the untouched desserts from their room to a little table.

 

“Thank you,” Christen graciously tipped him before stripping down to a simple black bikini.  Tobin bit her lip in response, “Are you sure we can’t go back upstairs?”

 

Her wife shook her head.  “We have all night, babe.  Here, have some of these chocolate covered strawberries.”  But the only thing Tobin really wanted a bite of  was her.   She rubbed little circles on her exposed skin the shone in the sunlight, watching the goosebumps pop up under her fingertips.  They sat comfortably for a while before Tobin let her arm fall from around Christen shoulder to give her a little space to eat her poolside snack.  She tipped her face up towards the sun to let it cover her in warmth, the heat feeling good on her skin.  A small cry made her refocus on the ground she was on, opening her eyes to see a woman about her age bobbing up and down with a small baby.  It was a little boy, decked out in swim trunks who was unhappy about the  hat on his head  shielding him from the sun.

 

She could see his bright blue eyes that matched the pool water turning red from frustration with crocodile tears falling on his face.  The little rolls of fat were bouncing up and down as he moved and Tobin couldn’t help but melt at the sight of the little one.  She thought about her own kids at that age and how she would have done anything to make their unhappiness disappear.  

 

Looking over at Christen, she commented, “look at that baby.  Isn’t he cute?”

 

Her wife stared straight ahead and didn’t blink.  As nonchalantly as possible she shrugged and gave a quick, “yeah.”  But Tobin wasn’t fooled, Christen loved babies, they were almost like her kryptonite.   She continued to study her, hoping to see her demeanor break just a bit. It was obvious to her that any mention of ‘baby’ and ‘children’ made Christen uncomfortable given the predicament they found themselves in months earlier.   Tobin had wanted to revisit the conversation but was waiting for the right time.

 

It never seemed to come up, even when it was just the two of them out and about.  But now, without any possible interruption and the perfect segway, she couldn’t ignore it.

 

“Chris,” she waved to get her attention, “I think we should talk about the ‘b’ word.”

 

The darker brunette didn’t budge; didn’t bat an eyelash and continued to munch away on her fruit.  Tobin waited patiently, rehearsing the lines she’d been playing in her mind for when they would approach this topic.  

 

She turned her entire body to face Christen, trying to show her she was fully attentive and this was something that mattered.  “Babe, I really want to talk about this. Can you look at me for just a minute?”

 

Christen huffed a bit, tossing her plate to the side to give her a dramatic look, raising her eyebrows in defense.  It could have easily irked Tobin, but she was determined to get through this without any bumps.  “Thank you.  I know the last time this came up we weren’t on the same page but I think we’ve both had time to think it over and I wanted to hear how you felt about it now.”

 

She watched Christen’s expression remain the same even though her tone wasn’t as harsh as she spoke. “Tobs, I told you.  I want whatever family you want.  Things are good and I don’t see why we need to bring this up again.  You’ve given us two beautiful children and I’m thankful to have them.  They’re enough for me.”

 

In her response Tobin noted that she didn’t really answer her question directly.  “Okay…well, if I were open to it, hypothetically, would you want another baby?”

 

Christen turned her gaze away, trying not to break her hardened demeanor.  Tobin let them sit in silence because she wanted an honest answer, not one that was forced and one that wasn’t pre-empted by frustration.  She could tell Christen was working through an answer in her head and as hard as it was, she let her have all the time she needed.

 

Eventually, Christen softened around the eyes and looked back at her.  “If you were open to it, then yeah.  I’ve always wanted more children but I know life doesn’t work like that.  You were right before; it’s a lot for you and it _is_ ultimately your choice.  So I support whatever it is that you want.”

 

She was satisfied with the answer and had counted on ending it there when she was startled by the next part.  “Do  _ you _ want another baby?”  Christen looked at her vulnerably, almost like she was scared of her answer.  Right there, Tobin knew how much expanding their family really meant to her wife without her speaking the truth.

 

But she wanted to be cautious and careful with her words because while she could imagine them as a family of five, she hadn’t really thought seriously about what it would do to her body, to her time.  The prospect of heartbreak and failure was always floating in her mind too.  She’d been lucky the first two tries but she wasn’t getting any younger and it would crush her to see Christen affected by it.

 

“I’m really happy where we’re at too, but I think that’s because we’ve made some changes for us as a family.  And those changes could help us handle a third, so although I can’t say 100% that I want one, I want you to know I’ve been thinking about it and I’m considering it.”

 

Christen remained neutral and appeared to be processing her answer.  A question was on the tip of her tongue if Tobin could read her right and after a minute she heard it.  “What about adoption?  We’ve tossed that idea around in the past.  Would that be something you’d be willing to discuss?”

 

Tobin hummed and leaned her head back against the chair.  “Adoption would be great.  I just know it’s a really long process so we’d have to be prepared and be willing to wait.”  

 

“Yeah,” Christen almost sounded defeated.  She was looking at the baby who had been calmed by his mother and drinking in his adorable features.  Tobin appreciated her beauty in the moment, thinking of how good motherhood looked on her wife.  She gave her hand a squeeze, “let’s keep talking about this, okay?  I want us to communicate and keep it on the table.”

 

The conversation ended and they took a mid-afternoon nap together in the sun, followed by another round in the shower while getting ready for dinner.  Tobin recounted their first official date over dinner for two while Christen giggled at the memory of their first time together.  The feeling of not having to rush home or be anywhere but with each other was magical to them and Tobin made sure to tell Christen that every chance she got.

 

They were happy, truly and unapologetically happy, with Christen whispering it as she drifted off to sleep in Tobin’s arms.

 

….

 

Their weekend away came to an end, as did the time with Tobin’s mom visiting them.  Christen was thrilled to get back on a normal schedule and over the following weeks she was happy to see Tobin taking value in her ‘me time’ and going out during the day a little more.  She didn’t comment on it and didn’t ask where she was going, knowing that Tobin would share in good time, if she really wanted to.  If all else failed in their relationship, trust would be the remaining pilar.

 

“Honey, what’s on the schedule today?  Nothing, right?” Christen asked in between picking up scattered Barbie Dolls and play clothes on Emerson’s floor.  Tobin continued to take off the sheets from the little bed to put into the laundry, “uh, I just have something at one but I should be done by the time Emerson gets home from school.”

 

Christen said okay, figuring she just forgot to check the calendar carefully or wasn’t listening when Tobin had told her earlier in the week - something she wouldn’t openly admit to doing.  “No problem, let’s have dinner outside tonight since it’s nice.  We can open that bottle of red we brought home from Ojai.”

 

“Uh, sounds good, babe,” Tobin replied absentmindedly.

 

She couldn’t take her eyes off her wife during dinner, even though she only picked at the pasta she’d made and didn’t bother having a glass of wine after she’d opened it.  “Everything okay, babe?” she asked with Sam on her lap after he’d eaten and she was on her third full glass herself.  Tobin nodded enthusiastically with Emerson on her own lap.  “Yeah, everything’s great, Chris.  Are you okay?”

 

To be completely honest, she was pretty buzzed.  “Yeah, I’m good.  But I think an early b-e-d time for everyone is best,” she winked sloppily, her eyelids accidently both shutting quickly.  Tobin laughed from across the table.  “We can arrange that.”

 

But after getting the kids upstairs and in their own beds, Tobin found Christen lightly snoring on her stomach on the bed, her clothes already discarded.  She danced her fingers across her back and leaned in against her ear, “babe, you awake?” knowing full well she really wasn’t.

 

“Uh huh,” she moaned, not moving an inch or opening her eyes.  Tobin rubbed her back and covered her bottom half.  “Another night, babe.  Sweet dreams.”  Her subconscious was screaming at her to wake up and touch Tobin but she physically couldn’t do it.  

 

The next morning she woke and immediately rocked her hips seductively against Tobin’s thigh, earning a low groan from the half-asleep woman.   Their positions from last night were reversed and  she watched as Tobin’s lips parted ever so slightly, a hitch her breath coming out, before she repeated the action and let her fingers dig into her sides.

 

“Babe,” Tobin whined lowly, although Christen knew that she wasn’t complaining.  Lifting her leg, Christen shifted so she was now straddling Tobin’s hips and pulled their hands together to rest on Tobin’s stomach.  “Baby, if you wake up for me, I’ll make it worth it,” she teased, not bothering to keep her voice down.

 

Her eyes stayed closed and hands were steady, but Christen knew Tobin was already spiraling for her.  “And I promise,” she picked up their hands to kiss Tobin’s knuckles, “to be very, very gentle.”

 

Tobin broke her tough-guy act and let her brown orbs connect with hers.  “What if I don’t want it to be gentle,” she smirked.   Christen let her head fall backwards, trying to lose it right then.  She felt Tobin break their hands apart and settle firmly on her hips, trying to move them back and forth slowly in hopes of relieving the building pressure in her core.  “Babe,” Tobin whispered, “move for me.  We only have a few minutes before the kids will be up so help me out here.”

 

It wasn’t exactly the type of bedroom talk that made her swoon but if anything it was the truth.  She followed Tobin’s directions and started her assault, finding Tobin’s breasts in the meantime to palm, with her fingers stroking softly.  Tobin leaned upward to connect their lips for the first time that morning, both women amping it up and quickly shedding the playfulness.  Christen bit down on Tobin’s bottom lip, earning a half-groan, half-moan from her wife.

 

Just as her hands were finding their way south, flitting over Tobin’s navel, she heard an unfamiliar sound from deep in her throat.  Christen was instantly alarmed and pulled back, searching for the source of Tobin’s discomfort.  “What’s wrong? What did I do?” she worried.  She noticed a tiny look of uneasiness, but nothing major.

 

“I’m okay,” Tobin assured her.  “Just a little under the weather I think.”  She reached back up for Christen, trying to convince her not to stop.  But Christen wasn’t convinced, now noticing how her wife was a little pale in the face.  “Babe, do you have a fever?  Does anything hurt?”  She placed the back of her hand to her forehead, no temperature to be felt.

 

Tobin laid flat against the mattress and let out a deep sigh.  “My stomach is just a little upset.  I probably need to eat or something.”   Christen looked her over again, happy that she confessed but unhappy she wasn’t feeling great.  “Poor baby, you really didn’t each much last night,” she genuinely stroked Tobin’s cheek.  

 

Before she could move off of her in their compromising position, Emerson busted through their bedroom door.  She quickly wrapped the sheets around their exposed bodies, falling flush onto Tobin’s bare chest. 

 

“Good morning Mommy and Mama!” she squealed, her bedhead out of control.  Christen looked between her daughter and her wife, shaking her head at how alike they looked even at times like this.  Tobin was giggling herself, probably more at the sensation of having Christen’s chest pressed to hers, but it made her giggle too.

 

“Emme, give us a minute.  Count to twenty and then you can come back in, okay?”

 

The little girl obeyed, giving Christen enough time to untangle their legs and spill off of Tobin.  “Go get some clothes on and I’ll distract her!” she whispered much louder than she intended.  Christen tried not to notice her wife gingerly slide out of bed like she was downplaying earlier just how badly she felt.  She also pretended not to hear Tobin gag or hiccup deeply or something as soon as the bathroom door closed.

 

Luckily she had thrown on a sports bra and shorts in the middle of the night when she got up to use the bathroom, so it was okay that Emme returned much sooner than she expected.

 

“Where’s Mama?” the mini-me looked for her mother, confused at how quickly she disappeared.  “In the bathroom, peanut.  She’ll be out soon and we’ll find something fun to do today.”

 

Emerson hopped up on their unmade bed, twisting the sheets around.  Christen wanted to grab her off, thinking of what exactly had been going on in that bed the last few nights and almost again this morning.  But she let her stay.  “Any ideas, peanut?  What do you want to do?”   Emerson shrugged, pouting her lips in boredom.  “I don’t know, something fun?”

 

Christen sat on the edge of the bed and played with the girl’s small toes.  “We could….go to the movies?” That suggestion earned a hard no before she offered up the park.   She was rejected a second time before she pulled out the only activity that she knew the girl would go for.  “Let me think,” Christen pretended to think hard, tapping her chin.  “What if we drive out to that little farm where they have cows and make their own ice cream?”

 

“Ice cream, mommy?” she asked with her eyes lit up, almost like it was too good to be true.  “We can go?”

 

“Ice cream,” Christen confirmed, holding up her hand for high five.  The tiny hand slapped hers before Emerson ran out of the room, shouting to Sam as she went.  Christen looked fondly after her before picking up an outfit to cover herself up a little more.

 

Tobin was still in the bathroom but the door was cracked so Christen figured she didn’t need much privacy.  “Hi babe, you okay?” she re-greeted her as she walked in to see Tobin standing at the vanity.  Their eyes met in the mirror, except Christen didn’t notice the way Tobin’s were trying to get her attention while she looked around for a hairbrush.

 

“So I think we should add looking at cars on the list of errands today,” Tobin said moments later, while brushing her teeth.  Christen pulled a shirt over her head, covering her previously exposed stomach and chest.  Scrunching her face up, she said, “If you’re not feeling well, we should just put that stuff off for today.  And I thought we talked about just renewing your lease?  Did you change your mind?”  Tobin took her time to to spit out her toothpaste in the sink and rinse the remains out with some water.  

 

“Yeah, I think we’re gonna need a bigger one.”  She set the toothbrush back in the holder after shaking it off and spun around to face her wife.  Her arms crossed each other over her chest, a small smirk gracing her face.

 

Christen still couldn’t seem to understand where she was coming from.  They had this conversation not even a week ago and it seemed like it was the simplest solution at the time.  “Why do we need a bigger one?  I think we fit everyone and everything in just fine.”  It was kind of amusing watching her get mildly worked up, trying to figure out the rationalization.

 

Tobin leaned against the granite counter and giggled.  Christen nervously laughed back, unsure of what was going on.  “What?  You’re scaring me!”  

 

Nodding her head to the side, Christen followed the motion of her wife’s.  Her eyes landed on something small and thin.  She took two steps closer to make sure her mind and eyes weren’t playing tricks on her.  Two big blinks and the image was clear as day.  Her stomach did a somersault, partly out of shock, partly in excitement.

 

“I’m pregnant.”


End file.
